The Edmondson Blog

A new Barbie has gone on sale which comes with a dog, pooper-scooper and bin. The dog shits little brown turds, which Barbie can then pick up with the aforementioned utensil. The whole idea is to teach little girls "responsible pet ownership".

Mattel must really be running out of ideas!

Click on the title for more.

I've updated my Top 10 lists. If anyone know's how I can inform everyone automatically whenever the lists are updated, please get in touch.

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass we went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fighting in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in Church. During Mass he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No No" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No No" he said "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No No" he said that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

I've been watching Beauty and the Geek on E4 for the last couple of nights. It's compulsive viewing: eight "Beauties" are paired off with eight "Geeks" in what's billed as the "Ultimate Social Experiment" (yeah, whatever...) There's already been some classic moments:

- The guy when asked to fill in the blank "______ Saint Laurent" and given the clue "Fashion Designer", answered "Ralph"
- The geek who can finish a Rubiks cube in 11.99 seconds
- The guy who has a T-shirt which says "I put the stud in study" (I want one!)
- One guy who describes his job as "dungeon master"
- One guy who was so nervous about sleeping in the same room with one of the girls, he dragged his duvet into the closet and slept there!

There's Michael Jackson "The King of Pop", Eric Clapton "Slowhand" and Ozzy Osbourne "The Blizzard of Ozz". On a completely different level, there's James Brown:

"The Hardest Working Man in Showbusiness" "Mr Dynamite" "The Godfather of Soul" "Soul Brother Number One" "The Original Disco Man" "The Funky President" "Papa" "The Minister of the New New Super Heavy Funk"

On 18th August, a company called Steorn, based in Dublin, claimed to have developed a technology that produces free, clean and constant energy. That's pretty punchy stuff, especially as it contravenes the laws of physics! (I believe it's only possible to convert energy from one form to another - it's not possible to create energy.) They even went as far as taking a full page advert out in The Economist! Click on the title to read more on Wikipedia.

Had a fantastic time with Rehan and Sarah celebrating their engagement in the Wine Cellars at the Cafe Royal on Saturday. Rehan spoilt us by organising the most fabulous meal amongst the wine bins, where one false move and you could be falling over a $20000 bottle of wine.

It's imperative you start training your children early, so they can work up to the ultimate accolade.

I thought it was about time I introduce the characters I work with. From left to right: Andy Mayes, yours truly, James Gray (now left), Alison Ewings (now left), Joel Attwood, Tim Rudin, John Gall. In the background we have where all the action happens: Windsor House, TfL's HQ.
Thanks to Alison for the photo.

It's with great sadness I am announcing that James Gray has now left TfL for (supposedly) greener pastures. His last day was full of activities: it was designated "bow tie Friday" we went to The Regency for lunch (the photos are of John and James tucking into a healthy lunch), and headed out for team beers in the evening. It's the first time I've ever been refused service in a pub, due to the raucousness of the main players. Thanks Tim.

A Chicago man told airport security he had a bomb in his luggage - because he didn't want his mum to know it was a penis pump.

Comedy.

Click on title for full story.

Over my (slightly extended) lunch break, I went on a tour of the Palace of Westminster, which included a detailed description of both Houses of Parliament, the Members' Lobby and Her Majesty's Robing Room. Fascinating tour, packed full of interesting facts, including insights into the two painted masterpieces in the Royal Gallery of the Battles of Waterloo and Trafalgar by Daniel Maclise. Highly recommended.

Met up with Will and Olivia earlier for the latest installment to our World Diner's Club, our monthly get-together to explore the cuisine on offer in London. We had a fantastic meal at Lemongrass, our last feast before Olivia sets off for Cambodia. I took home our book of thoughts afterwards, which will allow me to update our website.

I've just started another blog to list my Top 10s of everything! It's just getting off the ground and I'll add to it as I think of more Top 10s I give a damn about.

You can go to the blog here.

Was up in Aldenham yesterday for my Godson, Harry's, Christening. Great day, especially when the cast of Ben Hur was called up to make their commitments as Godparents. Curry for lunch, washed down with copious amounts of pitta and humous.

Click here for Heps' photos.

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog. I've had the best week ever with an average of 30 hits a day. Slowly closing in on bbc.co.uk...

Just found this photo of my grandmother with all her grandchildren from summer 2002, taken whilst she was entertaining all of us at her house with a BBQ and children's songs(!). From the back and their relation to me:

Claudia (sister) - Natasha (cousin) - Sarah (cousin)

Milly (cousin) - Nanny (grandmother) - Pippa (cousin) - Amelia (cousin once-removed)

Olivia (cousin) - Me - Oliver (cousin once-removed) - Talya (cousin)

Sophie (cousin once-removed) - Ross (cousin) - Russell (brother)

Rowan (cousin)

A photo from last weekend: our trip to Ireland. In the back row we have Heps and Will. In the front there's Claire, myself, Lairey and Georgie (my new housemate!). We spent the weekend at Georgie's parents house north of Cork in a village called Castletownroche, right out in the sticks. The photo is actually taken in Kinsale on the Sunday, where we went for a stroll to take in the fresh air and deal with the hangovers.

Click here for Heps' photos.

This is a serious email to a PR company in Belfast.



Dear "Stakeholdergroup",

After having my eyes lasered a month ago I've been mobbed by people in Belfast asking to have their photographs taken with me because I look like David Hasselhoff and I reckon that I could use this unusual talent for PR events.

I live in East Belfast, so its pretty easy for me to turn up to local events.

My telephone number is 07866 411 144.

Please tell me your thoughts.

Many thanks,

Magnus Ramsay

Some guy has been suspended from his job at Orange for posting a (quite amusing) article on the Conservative Home blog (click title for link). He sets out a dictionary of typical New Labour speak, some of which people has found offensive. Big stink all round, especially from Muslims who accuse him of racism. I disagree: if you read the article, he satirises government speak and isn't actually setting out his own views. Some of my favourites:

Consultation - a formal system for ignoring public views while patronising them at the same time. London's Congestion Charge for instance.

Community leader - someone plucked from obscurity to represent ‘the views of the community’ for the purposes of ‘consultation’. NB never elected to this position.

Disproportionate - foreign affairs: Describes any act by USA or Israel.

Diversity - creating a workforce based on how people look rather than on their skills or aptitude

In partnership with.. - Government: "this way, none of us get the blame when nothing happens!"

Intolerance - Intolerance can only committed against certain defined groups of people. These do not include: Americans, the middle class, white manual workers, rural people, business and Christians obviously.

Islamophobic - anyone who objects to having their transport blown up on the way to work. (ah)

Palestinians - archetype 'victims' no matter how many teenagers they murder in bars and fast food outlets. Never responsible for anything they do – or done in their name - because of 'root causes' or ‘legitimate grievances’. (oh)

al Qaeda - Muslim 'militants' who for some reason or other continue to kill far more Muslims than people of any other faith.

Social exclusion - where bad people, behaving badly, somehow became our fault.

Many congratulations to my good friends Sarah and Rehan who are engaged to marry (after ten years of courting). The Times and Telegraph both carried the announcement yesterday:

DR R.J. HAIDRY AND MISS S.C. CONSTANTINE
The engagement is announced between Rehan, son of Dr Kishwer Shad and the late Dr Jamil Haidry, of Nairobi, Kenya, and Sarah, elder daughter of Brigadier and Mrs Michael Constantine, of Uckfield, East Sussex.

I didn't think these services existed! I've just stumbled across TheMiniMan, a professional actor who will come dressed as an MC, Elvis, jester or Karate Kid to any event. Perfect for those stag weekends, birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Had a bomb scare right outside my office today. I was only 5 metres from ground zero and had a front row seat of the two disposal experts at work. In fact, I was probably the closest in the whole building. Ridiculously, our "facilities manager" only informed staff to stay away from the windows AFTER I saw the disposal men take what ended up being an empty briefcase away. Useless.

She was from Quality Street; he was a fisherman's friend. On the way, they stopped at a yorkie bar, he had a rum and butter, she had a winegum. He asked her name,'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.

'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her milky way. They checked in, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of black magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her snickers and felt her cream egg. He fondled her flap jacks then he showed her his curly wurly and tic tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more jelly babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of fudge.

It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish delight. When he pulled out, his fun size mars bar felt a bit crunchy. She wanted more, he needed time out, and however, he noticed her pink wafers looked very appetizing. He did a twirl, had a picnic in her sherbet and finished off by giving her a gob stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with all sorts!!!

This looks hilarious! The film has already got great reviews from test screenings. Coming out in the UK on 3rd November.

Myself, James, John and Tim, who headed to The Woodman in Battersea and came second in the weekly pub quiz (helped by some "creative accounting"). With questions ranging from where King Arthur is buried to lyrics of recent songs in the hit parade, we fought our way back from a poor start to win a third of the pot, a princely £16.

Mario Visjnic, whose testicles got stuck through a deckchair whilst sunbathing naked last week.

I've just been reading about D.B.Cooper, an aircraft hijacker who, in 1971, after receiving a ransom payout of $200,000, leapt from the back of a Boeing 727 as it was flying over the Pacific Northwest and disappeared. Today, the Cooper case remains the world's only unsolved hijacking. Fascinating.

My thoughts are with Van and Martine this afternoon. Van was driving past his restaurant at 1pm today and noticed two little asswipes lift the safe out through the front door, load it into their van and drive off. Number plate details were noted. Let's hope les cochons catch up with this pond life.

Edit: Someone has just left a comment asking whether Van apprehended the suspects. He didn't. He is waiting for the police to make their enquiries. I will update once I know more.

Me mate at work, James, has just given in his notice to go and work at a political consultancy, Foresight Communications. Back to the real world of private sector work then... We've spent two years having 10:30 breakfasts, consumed hundreds of loaves of bread for lunch, tested each other on London Underground facts and swapped hundreds of bites of information from Wikipedia. I am now getting emotional...