The Edmondson Blog

Meanwhile, In The Underground Bunker ...


In English, the word UP has more meanings than any other two-letter word and is an example of why people learning English have so much trouble. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language.

UP is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but:
  • when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
  • at a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
  • why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election.
  • why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
  • we call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
  • we lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning:
  • people stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses...
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special!

And these UPs are confusing:
  • a drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.
  • we open UP a shop in the morning and we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about the word UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary…

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap this UP for now because my time is UP!

Now I think I'll shut UP before I get UP to no good.

True Story

How Much Is A Billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word billion in a casual manner, think about whether you want the politicians spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend but let's put it into perspective:
  • a billion seconds ago it was 1978,
  • a billion minutes ago Jesus was alive,
  • a billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age,
  • a billion days ago nothing walked on the earth on two feet.
  • a billion pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes ago at the rate our government is spending it.

Insight Into Marriage

People say there is no difference between the words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

This is not true:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.

But when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.

Daniel And William Cormack

Inscription from the mausoleum of Daniel and William Cormack, in the cemetery at Loughmore, County Tipperary, Ireland:

By the IRISH RACE, in memory of the brothers DANIEL and WILLIAM CORMACK who for the murder of a land agent named ELLIS were hanged at NENAGH after solemn protestation by each on the scaffold of absolute and entire innocence of that crime, the 11th day of May 1858. The tragedy of the brothers occurred through false testimony procured through GOLD and terror, the action in their trial of JUDGE KEOGH, a man who considered personally, politically, religiously and officially was one of the monsters of mankind, and the verdict of a prejudiced, partisan packed perjured jury. Clear proof of the innocence of the brothers afforded by ARCHBISHOP LEAHY to the VICEROY of the day but he nevertheless gratified the appetite of a bigoted, exterminating and ascendancy caste by a judicial murder of the kind which lives bitterly and perpetually in a nation’s remembrance.

Visi sunt oculis insipientium mori illi autem sunt in pace. [In the sight of the unwise they seem to die, but they are in peace.]
Inscribed on the other side:
In commemoration of the removal of the remains of the CORMACK BROTHERS from the jailyard at NENAGH to this mausoleum on May 11, 1910. In the morning a solemn REQUIEM OFFICE and HIGH MASS were celebrated in the Parish Church, Nenagh, Canon McMahon presiding, and an immense number of Killaloe priests being in the choir. The funeral cortege which contained MR JOHN DILLON, M.P., MR J. HACKETT, M.P., and many others of high name and inspiring example, was by magnitude, representativeness and observance unprecedented in IRELAND. At Loughmore, the pastor preached a funeral oration and assisted by priests from IRELAND, ENGLAND, AMERICA and AUSTRALIA, officiated at the placing of the remains here to rest in peace and honour until the day of their vindication by Jesus Christ before the whole human race in the Valley of Josophat.

Visi sunt oculis insipientium mori illi autem sunt in pace. [In the sight of the unwise they seem to die, but they are in peace. Taken, with some modifications, from the book of Wisdom, chapter 3, verses 2-3]


Funniest Joke In The World

A man was stood at the pub bar looking glum. He had had too much to drink and had been sick down his jacket. His mate asked him what was up.

"I had a big argument with my wife last night about getting drunk and here am I, drunk as a skunk and to top it all I've been sick down my best jacket and ruined it. I'll be in big trouble with my wife when I get home!"

"No you won't, this is what you do. Tell your wife someone else was accidentally sick on you. Put a £20 note in your inside pocket, explain what happened and pull out the £20 to demonstrate the truth of the story."

So, pleased with this plan, he staggered off home. As he lurched through the front door, his seething wife was stood waiting for him.


"I'm terribly sorry darling, but it was not me who was sick on my jacket, it was a complete stranger who was sick on me. He was very apologetic and insisted I took £20 from him to get the jacket dry-cleaned."

With that he pulled two £20 notes out of his inside pocket and waved then in his wife's face.

"So why do you have two £20 notes?"

"Oh, the other one's from another complete stranger who pooped in my pants."

Stunningly Interesting Fact

St Johns Wood is the only London Underground station to share no letters with the word mackerel. (You read it here first.)

Breakfast At Ginger's

Shitt Family

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your letter regarding the Shitt family.

Jack Shitt is the only son of Awe Shitt, the fertilizer magnate, and his wife, O Shitt. together they own Needeep N. Shitt Limited. They had one son Jack.

In turn Jack Shitt married Noe Shitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Shitt, Giva Shitt, Fulla Shitt, Bull Shitt, and the twins Deep Shitt and Dip Shitt.

Despite her parents’ objections, Deep Shitt married Dumb Shitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Shitt divorced.

Noe Shitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Shitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile Dip Shitt married Loda Shitt and they produced a son with rather nervous disposition named Chicken Shitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Shitt and Giva Shitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local newspaper announced the Shitt-Happens nuptials. The Shitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Shitt left home to tour the world and recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa Shitt.

Now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Shitt,” you can correct them.

Yours faithfully,

Crock O. Shitt

Funny Photos

Meanwhile, Down At The Village Gym ...

(Mainly) Rude Knock Knock Jokes

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
"Fuck you said"
"Fuck you said who?"

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Andy who?
And he bit me again!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Parton who?
Parton my French!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Some who?
Some idiot talking to a knock knock joke.

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Jenny Tull
Jenny Tull Who?
Jenny Tull Warts

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Ima Reilly
Ima Reilly Who?
Ima Reilly Cumming

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Justin Who?
Justin Hernickers

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Phil Who?
Phil McCrackin

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Phil Who?
Phil McCreviss

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Phil Who?
Phil McCavity

(You get the idea)

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Tara Who?
Tara McClosoff

Meanwhile, On The Local TV News ...

Irish Home Rule

Éamon de Valera . . . . . Michael Collins

The British Government had, since 1914, desired home rule for the whole of Ireland. However, it believed that it could not possibly grant complete independence to all of Ireland in 1921 without provoking a massacre of Ulster Catholics at the hands of their heavily-armed Protestant Unionist neighbours.

The Articles of Agreement for a Treaty Between Great Britain and Ireland, creating the Irish Free State, were negotiated between the British Government and the Provisional Irish Government and signed on 6th December 1921.

Parts of the Treaty, especially the partition of Ulster were bitterly contraversial and Michael Collins, one of the senior Irish negotiators, recognised the terms would not be well received in Ireland. Upon signing the Treaty, he remarked "I have signed my own death warrant," and sure enough, he was assassinated in an ambush on 22nd August 1922.

The major political party, Sinn Féin, split into pro- and anti-Treaty factions. In the Irish general election on 18th June 1922, the pro-Treaty Sinn Féin party won the election with 239,193 votes to 133,864 for anti-Treaty Sinn Féin. A further 247,226 people voted for other parties, all of whom supported the Treaty. The election showed that the Irish electorate supported the Treaty and the foundation of the Irish Free State but Éamon de Valera, president of Sinn Féin, continued to oppose it and is quoted as saying, “The majority have no right to do wrong.”

A short but bitter civil war (June 1922 – April 1923) erupted between the supporters of the Treaty and its opponents. The victorious pro-Treaty “Free Staters,” who amounted to a majority of Sinn Féin TDs (Teachta Dála: equivalent to a Member of Parliament) and a majority of the electorate, set up the Irish Free State.

Because of the Irish Civil War, Northern Ireland was able to consolidate its existence and partition of Ireland was confirmed for the foreseeable future. Michael Collins, up to the outbreak of the civil war and possibly until his death, had been planning to launch a clandestine guerrilla campaign against the Northern state and was funnelling arms to the northern units of the IRA to this end. This may have led to open hostilities between north and south had the Irish Civil War not broken out.

De Valera eventually set up an alternative political party, Fianna Fáil which is, today, the largest party in Ireland.

Ironically, most people in Ireland today, including members of de Valera's own party, Fianna Fáil, agree that it was a mistake to oppose the Treaty and that it was the best deal possible in the circumstances. De Valera was once asked in a private conversation what had been his biggest mistake. His answer was blunt, “Not accepting the Treaty.”

During the Second World War the Irish government maintained the stance that both sides were equally as bad and used strict censorship to maintain this position. Ireland would not allow the Royal Navy to use its ports to extend the range of convoy protection even though the UK government continued to pass to the republic its quota of food imported by the convoys.

In 1945, de Valera went to the German embassy and signed the book of condolence after the death of Adolf Hitler. He did not go and sign the condolence book for President Roosevelt just a few weeks before.

(Mainly) Stupid People Doing Stupid Things

Meanwhile, At The Village Barber's ...

A young boy enters the village barber's and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the stupidest boy in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber holds up a £5 note in one hand and two £2 coins in the other. He then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the £2 coins and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That boy never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the village shop with a large ice cream.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the £2 coins rather than the £5 note?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the fiver, the game is over!”

It's All In The Mind ...

Life On The Ocean Waves!

During a severe ocean storm, the Australian cruise liner PACIFIC SUN sailed into huge waves causing violent rolling that injured 42 of the 2403 passengers and crew onboard.

This CCTV footage from inside the ship shows passengers and crew being tossed around the room along with chairs, tables and various other items. One woman is seen hitting her head on a pillar and collapsing. Injuries sustained included broken ribs and limbs, a fractured pelvis and cuts. Many of the worst injuries were caused when gambling machines crashed on top of people.

The ship was returning from the islands of Vanuatu after an eight-night cruise. It was turning into the storm when its side was hit with huge waves, causing it to violently roll, shortly after dark when many people were sitting down to dinner. A second video taken below deck shows heavy equipment, including a forklift, being tossed around like toys and narrowly missing a crew member.

A spokesman for Carnival Australia, who represents P&O, said the ship encountered “extreme” circumstances. “A series of waves buffeted the ship, having an impact for people onboard,” the spokesman said.

“This was an exceptionally rare occurrence. The incident has been fully investigated and lessons learnt have been heeded, including the securing of tables and other furnishings aboard.”

Passengers and crew were offered counselling.

The ship was not badly damaged.

Meanwhile, Down At The Village Catholic Church ...

A Catholic chap goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates and the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blond.

He hears a priest come in.

"Forgive me Father, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side."

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Alexis Helmer ..... John McCrae ..... Lawence Cosgrave

On 2nd May 1915, Lieutenant Alexis Helmer was killed by German artillery fire and was buried that day. In the absence of the chaplain. his friend, Major John McCrae, brigade-surgeon with the First Brigade of the Canadian Forces Artillery, conducted a simple service at the graveside.

It is believed that John McCrae began his famous poem In Flanders Fields that evening, writing it on a scrap of paper upon the back of fellow officer, Lawrence Cosgrave during a lull in the fighting.

Alexis Helmer’s grave was lost in later fighting and so he is one of the 54,896 names commemorated on the Menin Gate Memorial.

John McCrea’s poem was published in Punch that December and became the most famous poem of the Great War. It was the inspiration for poppies being sold in remembrance of the War Dead. He never returned home, dying in France of pneumonia in 1918.

Lawrence Cosgrave went on to become the Canadian signatory to the Japanese Instrument of Surrender at the end of the Second World War.

Engrish As She Is Spoke

Dane Geld

It is always a temptation to an armed and agile nation
To call upon a neighbour and to say:
“We invaded you last night
We are quite prepared to fight,
Unless you pay us cash to go away.”

And that is called asking for Dane geld,
And the people who ask it explain
That you’ve only to pay ‘em the Dane geld
And then you’ll get rid of the Dane!

It is always a temptation for a rich and lazy nation,
To puff and look important and to say:
“Though we know we should defeat you,
We have not the time to meet you.
We will therefore pay you cash to go away.”

And that is called paying the Dane geld;
But we’ve proved it again and again,
That if once you have paid him the Dane geld
You never get rid of the Dane.

It is wrong to put temptation in the path of any nation,
For fear they should succumb and go astray;
So when you are requested to pay up or be molested,
You will find it better policy to say:

“We never pay any one Dane geld,
No matter how trifling the cost;
For the end of that game is oppression and shame,
And the nation that pays it is lost!”

Rudyard Kipling

Seperated At Birth

Ringo Starr . . . . . . . Yassar Arafat

Janice the Muppet . . . . . . . Donatella Versace

Darth Sidious . . . . . . . Pope Benedict XVI

The one-L lama, he’s a priest.
The two-L llama, he’s a beast.
And I would bet a silk pyjama
There isn’t any three-L lllama.
Ogden Nash (who else?)

Hatter . . . . . . . Hobbit

Miss Marple . . . . . . . Keith Richards

Uncle Fester . . . . . . . Pope Benedict (again)

A Photo A Day

Italian Traffic Cop At Work

You can really understand why this Italian traffic cop is pulling over the bike!
(She's not wearing a helmet.)

The Earl Of Kimberley

(Probably the best obituary in the last ten years, published in the Daily Telegraph, 29th May 2002.)

The 4th Earl of Kimberley, who has died aged 78, achieved a measure of fame as the most-married man in the peerage; once known as "the brightest blade in Burke's", he worked his way through five wives in 25 years before settling down contentedly with a former masseuse he had met on a beach in Jamaica.

Johnny Kimberley was a jovial extrovert whose interests included shark fishing, UFOs and winter sports - for much of the 1950s he was a member of Britain's international bobsleigh team.

There was a serious side to him too: he played championship tiddlywinks, bred prize pigs, and as a Liberal spokesman in the Lords advised the electorate to vote Conservative, whereupon David (now Lord) Steel sacked him. Once on the Tory benches, he took a keen interest in defence and foreign policy, although not in social reform. "Queers," he declared, "have been the downfall of all the great empires."

However, it was his frequent trips to the altar, and those shortly thereafter to the divorce courts, that most naturally caught the eye of the public. His first marriage, in 1945, was to Diana, daughter of Sir Piers Legh, Master of the King's Household and a former equerry to Edward VIII; Kimberley had met her on a blind date at the Ritz.

The wedding took place at St George's Chapel, Windsor, and was attended by the Queen, Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret, and King George VI, who proposed the toast to the bride and her groom, then a Guards officer.

But Kimberley already knew that he had made a mistake. "I couldn't stop it," he said later, "because the King and Queen were there, and I was in my best uniform." Several years ago, in racy memoirs which were then unpublished, he wrote that on honeymoon he had more fun chasing mice around the bedroom than his new wife, and within a year the marriage was all but over.

"I gave the butler a note to give to her saying that it wasn't going to work out, and that since her mother was sailing for America that night why didn't she go too? That night I found a lovely girl and realised what I'd been missing not having a proper romp. After that, I never stopped."

By now Kimberley was a free-spending, hard-driving member of London's beau monde, taking weekends at Deauville, losing heavily at all-night chemmy sessions with John Aspinall, and bedding as many women as he could.

"Sex. I just couldn't think of anything else," he recalled later. He claimed among his conquests Eartha Kitt and Glynis Johns, and even tipped his hat at Princess Margaret, though she declined the honour. One night, he was caught naked by an irate husband in a hotel cupboard.

His second marriage, in 1949, was to Carmel Dunnett, one of the five daughters of Mickey Maguire, sometime welterweight champion of Australia. Kimberley was introduced to her by her elder sister (a daughter-in-law of Lord Beaverbrook), whose affections he had already enjoyed. They were married at St Moritz, and in 1951 she presented him with an heir, Lord Wodehouse.

"It went quite well for three years," the earl remembered. "Then I found out that she had been knocking off one of my chums. I wasn't all that upset, but it was the fact that one had been made a fool of." They were divorced in 1952. She was later murdered in Spain in 1992 by her third husband, Jeremy Lowndes, who then confessed the crime to Kimberley's son.

Number three was Cynthia Westendarp, a Suffolk farmer's wife whom the earl met at Newmarket. After she contracted polio, he invited her to recuperate at Kimberley, his seat near Wymondham, Norfolk, "and she never moved out". They were married in 1953, and divorced in 1961.

Three years before that, he had sold Kimberley, a Queen Anne brick mansion built on land held by his forebears for five centuries - "it was the easiest way to get rid of Cynthia. All I could think about was buying a new Aston Martin".

Next up was Maggie Simons, a 23-year old fashion model and the daughter of a cafe owner. She refused to sleep with him until he proposed marriage, which he did within a week. They were married in 1961 but "we both drank a fair amount and had fearful fights". Kimberley's fourth divorce came through in 1965. He was 39.

His fifth marriage, in 1970, was to Gillian Raw (nee Ireland-Smith), "and that was a disaster from the word go. She was a very successful girlfriend, but it didn't work as a wife". He had met Janey Consett, a soldier's daughter, in the Caribbean some years before, and now decided to "sugar off" with her instead. Once more divorced, he married her in 1982, and happily it proved to be sixth time lucky.

No other peer had ever had so many wives. Ready as he was with explanations as to the failure of his marriages, the simpler truth was that Kimberley was for much of his life a charming but egotistical, idle and rather weak man who craved attention and sought only pleasure. He was also, as he admitted in 1980 in a debate in the Lords, an alcoholic.

"Helping to liberate Brussels in 1944 was the beginning of my downfall," he wrote. After capturing an almost inexhaustible supply of Champagne, he kept a crate in his tank, regularly refreshing himself from it with a tin mug. "I spent much of the war tight and when it was over I couldn't stop."

By the 1970s, it had begun to affect his health, and he joined Alcoholics Anonymous. He later became vice-president of the World Council on Alcoholism and a member of the National Council on Alcoholism.

As it was, this did not prevent him in his later years from consuming a bottle of white wine each day, although, as he pointed out, this was an improvement on the years when he counted himself "insane". "After all," he reasoned, "no normal person would try to drive a car up the steps of the Grand Hotel in Brighton."

John Wodehouse was born on May 12 1924. His father, the 3rd Earl, was a well-known polo player and former MP who had won an MC on the Marne. His kinsman, P G Wodehouse, stood godfather to young Johnny.

Both of Johnny's parents had an eye for the opposite sex. His mother had already been twice married, and Johnny was her third child. He had a rather lonely childhood, spending large parts of his school holidays on his own with his nanny at Kimberley, which had been visited in 1578 by Elizabeth I.

The family traced their line back to an ancestor knighted by Henry I, and took their mottoes - "Strike Hard" and "Agincourt" - from those of a forebear who had fought with Henry V. They were prominent in Norfolk affairs from the 16th century, and in 1611 received a baronetcy.

In 1797, the Kimberleys were raised to the barony, and in 1866 the 3rd Lord Wodehouse, the Liberal politician and diarist, was created an earl. As Secretary of State for the Colonies, the Kimberley diamond field was named for him.

Johnny was sent to Eton, and first acquired "my taste for feminine flesh" from "an old dear I paid a couple of quid to while up in London". At 17, he inherited the titles when his father was killed in a German air raid. He then went up to Magdalene College, Cambridge, but his studies were cut short when, at 19, he got drunk in a nightclub and "accidentally enlisted in the Grenadier Guards". He finished the war as a lieutenant.

In the 1950s, he ran a successful public relations business that had clients such as Gregory Peck, Robert Mitchum and "that bald bugger" (Yul Brynner); his tea-boy was the future gossip columnist Nigel Dempster. In these years, he acquired a reputation as a rackety motorist, and was frequently fined by the police. He also killed a pedestrian he claimed not to have seen crossing the road in Piccadilly.

After selling Kimberley, the earl moved to Jamaica, where he sold land to wealthy Americans. Later he concentrated on his duties in the Lords, leading a campaign in the late 1970s for repayment of money docked during the war from the pay of POWs to take account of local "camp currency".

From 1976, he was a member of the Lords' All Party Defence Study Group, and from 1992 until the expulsion of the hereditary peers in 1999 was its president. He was also president of the Falmouth Shark Angling Club. Latterly he had lived in Wiltshire.

In 2001, he eventually published a version of his memoirs as The Whim of the Wheel. He died on May 26.

Looking back on his life as a roue, Lord Kimberley admitted: "I'm not very proud of what I've done." He believed that his marriages had taught him "that you have to work very, very hard at them". "If you strive for perfection," he considered, "eventually you'll find it."

He is survived by his sixth wife and by the four sons of his marriages. He is succeeded in the titles by his eldest son, John Armine, Lord Wodehouse, a computer programmer.

Guy Fawkes

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, ’twas his intent
To blow up king and parliament.
Three score barrels were laid below
To prove old England’s overthrow.

By God’s mercy he was catched
With a dark lantern and lighted match.
Holler boys, holler boys, let the bells ring
Holler boys, holler boys, God save the King!

Meanwhile, Over At Bluewater ...

Really Interesting Facts To Amaze Your Friends

  • Saturday mail delivery in Canada was eliminated by Canada Post from 1st February, 1969.
  • In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes.
  • Should there be a crash, Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane as a precaution.
  • The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card.
  • There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
  • The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off.
  • Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating.
  • Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.
  • The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye.
  • The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders.When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second.
  • A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood.
  • It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times.
  • Most lipstick contains fish scales.
  • Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing.
  • A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.
  • Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!
  • Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive.
  • Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
  • A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
  • Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes."
  • The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
  • Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

Why Dogs Bite People

Don't Play With Your Food!

Ten Things Lists

Ten things we know about America from watching the movies:
  • Nobody ever eats more than one mouthful from a plate of food.
  • Every platoon has at least one person who can play the mouth organ.
  • All young boys can reach their bedroom by climbing a convenient tree.
  • Restaurants offer at least six different kinds of toast for breakfast.
  • Nobody ever locks their car.
  • The bedroom curtains are always left open at night.
  • If there's a storm, the bedroom window is left open as well.
  • Everybody goes to school until the age of 30.
  • When people fall in love they go shopping in the local street market.
  • Paper boys never need to get off their bicycles.
Ten things Google has found to be true:
  • Focus on the user and all else will follow.
  • It's best to do one thing really, really well.
  • Fast is better than slow.
  • Democracy on the web works.
  • You don't need to be at your desk to need an answer.
  • You can make money without doing evil.
  • There's always more information out there.
  • The need for information crosses all borders.
  • You can be serious without a suit.
  • Great just isn't good enough.
Ten things we know about sex from watching too much porn:
  • Women wear high heels to bed.
  • Men are never impotent.
  • If a woman is caught undressed by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
  • Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle aged men.
  • Women always have orgasm when men do
  • A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.
  • Lesbians will always be delighted for a man to join in.
  • Women never have headaches, or periods.
  • Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
  • Dorky guys never have to beg.
Ten things we think we know about politics:
  • Government spending buys the votes of the electorate.
  • Political donations influence government policy.
  • Political parties influence government policy.
  • Some candidates are just better campaigners than others.
  • Democracy leads to economic growth. (Or, maybe economic growth enables democracy. Or maybe they are spuriously related.)
  • Autocracy leads to economic growth. (Or, maybe economic performance enables dictators to hold onto power.)
  • The media is biased. (Or, maybe they are just trying to tell us what they think we want to hear.)
  • Voters make choices based on their own self-interest. (Or, maybe they rationalise their choices in this way.)
  • Voters choose the candidate that is closer to their own preferences.
  • People are more likely to vote when they think the election will be close.
Ten things to say at a funeral:
  • What's that smell?
  • So who's that sleeping in the box?
  • I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.
  • I would have lent him my good rope if I'd known what he was using it for!
  • (To the widow) Now that you're single, how about a date?
  • It must suck to be dead.
  • (Crying) I guess this means I won't get my quid back.
  • When do we eat?
  • Can I have his car?
  • Dead people look stupid.

© 2007 The Edmondson Blog