The Edmondson Blog

Monty Python's Universe Song

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.

The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.

We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.

So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

So What's On Your Mind?

How to Cheer Yourself Up

  1. Empty the Recycle Bin on your PC.
  2. Open a new file.
  3. Save it with the name Gordon Brown.
  4. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
  5. Empty the Recycle Bin.
  6. Your PC will ask you: Do you really want to get rid of Gordon Brown?
  7. Firmly Click Yes.
Feel better? GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Peter Mandelson.
Hat tip to Stephen Manley.

Difficult Insurance Claim

There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. (Actually, this was filmed for an insurance company advert.)

Haslemere Home For The Elderly (True Story)

In 1960, 81 year old Gladys Elton, for reasons best known to herself, conceived the idea of performing a striptease for her fellow residents at the Haslemere Home for the Elderly in Great Yarmouth, England. Unfortunately such was the effect of Elton's performance that it caused the death of one resident by way of a cardiac arrest and the treatment for shock of five other residents.

The next year, 87-year-old Harry Meadows, another resident of the care home achieved late-in-life notoriety when he accidentally killed another three residents by dressing up as the grim reaper and peering through and tapping on the residents' lounge window whilst holding a scythe.

The home was forced to shut as a result of these two incidents.

More One-Liners

The recruitment consultant asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "Do you want to borrow my rope?"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first." He went, "Baah and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest."


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road."


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


I went to buy a train ticket to France. The ticket seller asked "Eurostar?" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."


A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Adolf Hitler, The Rock 'n' Roll Legend

Life's Little Secrets

The secrets of a GOOD LIFE are early nights, good food, exercise and clean living.

The secrets of a HAPPY LIFE are late nights, wild parties, kinky sex and junk food!
Hat tip to Julie Edmo (30 years today - happy birthday, Jools!)

Fifty Keels Ploughed The Deep

A metaphor is a figure of speech concisely expressed by comparing two things, saying that one is the other: All the world's a stage.

A metonymy is a figure of speech used when a thing or concept is not called by its own name, but by the name of something intimately associated with that thing or concept: there is nothing press-like about reporters or crown-like about a monarch, but the press and the crown are both common metonyms.

A synecdoche (pronounced sinNECK-doh-kee) is a specific kind of metonymy, where a specific part of something is used to refer to the whole: 20,000 hungry mouths to feed.

A good example of a single sentence that displays synecdoche, metaphor, and metonymy is: Fifty keels ploughed the deep.
  • Keels is a synecdoche as it identifies the whole (the ship) by referring to a particular part (of the ship),
  • Ploughed is a metaphor as it substitutes the concept of ploughing a field for moving through the ocean; and
  • The deep is a metonym, as depth is an attribute associated with the ocean.

Gentlemen's Eye Test


The theorist Talcot Parsons described what he called the sick role. He argued that illness is a temporary, medically sanctioned form of deviant behaviour. He went on to suggest that there was a conflict for people labelled ill to, on one hand, get better, and on the other, to continue to enjoy the secondary gains of attention and exemption from normal duties.

Doctors act as the gatekeepers to the sick role, in that they are the ones who decide whether or not a person enters this role. While society must show compassion to those deemed unwell, it must also make sure that the gains are not so great that everyone wants to join in.

The difficulty for doctors is to identify those that are faking from those that are genuinely unwell. It’s a surprisingly common difficulty, and with mental illness it’s especially tricky because psychiatrists aren’t mind readers – diagnosing exactly what is going on inside someone’s head relies on them exhibiting certain symptoms.

Every Sperm Is Sacred

The Banking Crisis Explained (Reprise)

Young Fred bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died."

Fred replied, "Well then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've already spent it."

Fred said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

Fred said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle a dead donkey!"

Fred said, "Of course I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up Fred and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Fred said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898."

The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Fred replied, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back."

When he was older Fred went on to become Chief Executive of Royal Bank of Scotland.

Vauxhall Bridge Revisited

Continuing from the descriptiopns of the up-stream sculptures on Vauxhall Bridge (below, November 13, 2009), those on the down-stream side are by Alfred Drury (1859 – 1944).

Closest to the south bank is Astronomy, wrapped in her cloak and looking quizically at a globe held in her hands. Next is Fine Art, holding her palette and brushes in her left hand and gazing at a small nude statuette held in her right. She holds to her bosom a small leafy branch bearing fruit.

Then comes Education holding to her two children (one standing and one in her arm) and finally Local Government – surely the only statue of this subject in Britain?

The Old Flame

I received a phone call this morning from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that old magic.

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to sod off and put the phone down.

No Further Comment Necessary

One-Liners (Oldies But Goodies)

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."


I went into a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. "Best before End."


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said "Kenwood." I said, "Where is he then?"


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the Ramblers Association today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

Round Our Neighbours...

One of our neighbours was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He replied, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

"You can sod off," she said, "You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

Wasabi Ice Cream

How Quickly The Years Pass ...

Speak Directly To God

These devices are specifically designed to be implanted in the foreheads of terrorists.

When properly installed they will allow the implantee to speak direct to their God.

They come in various sizes and strengths:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled British technician to exacting international standards.

Please note:

The implanting may smart a little.

Any side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.

Bleeding and/or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Meanwhile, In Our Local Park...

Desert Encounter

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Meanwhile, In The Stationery Room...

Vauxhall Bridge

Vauxhall Bridge, over the River Thames in London, was completed in 1906, and opened on the 26th May that year by the Prince of Wales. It has eight statues commissioned to commemorate arts and sciences.

F. W. Pomeroy (1856-1924) created those on the upstream side. First, closest to the north-west bank is Agriculture, with a scythe and a sheaf of corn. Architecture is next, holding a model of St Paul’s Cathedral in her left hand - the fact this model is about 2ft long indicates the scale of these statues.

Engineering is next, holding a steam engine in her left hand and a hammer resting on an anvil in her right. Finally, closest to the south-west bank, is Pottery, holding a pot, of course.

The downstream-side sculptures are by Alfred Drury (1859 – 1944). Unfortunately I cannot find any good photos of Drury's work - It looks like a photographic expedition is needed. Anyway. his subjects are Education, Fine Art, Science and Local Government – surely the only statue of this subject in Britain?

The pick of these is Fine Art, who carries a palette and brushes and holds to her breast a small leafy branch bearing some fruit. In her other hand she holds a small nude statue.

Funny Pranks


As the Great War progressed through 1918, matters seriously deteriorated for the Germans, both militarily and domestically. A series of strategic withdrawals by the Germans probably saved their army from disintegration but was devastating for morale, and by the beginning of October it was evident that Germany could no longer mount a successful defence, let alone a counterattack. There was a threat of a general military mutiny. On the home front there was a grave threat of imminent revolution in Berlin, Munich and elsewhere.

On 5th October 1918 the Germans sent a telegram to the U.S. President, Woodrow Wilson, asking him to open peace negotiations – the Germans believing they could negotiate a more acceptable peace treaty via Wilson than directly with the French and English. After a series of telegrams, on 23rd October Wilson demanded the abdication of the Kaiser and told the Germans plainly that peace negotiations were out of the question. He demanded unconditional surrender.

Eventually, by way of a telegram sent on 7th November 1918, acting German commander Paul von Hindenburg requested a meeting with the French commander, Marshal Foch.

The German delegation crossed the front line in five cars and was escorted for ten hours across the devastated war zone of Northern France (perhaps, they speculated, to focus their minds on the lack of sympathy they could expect). They were then taken to Foch’s private train in the Forest of Compiègne.

There was no question of negotiation. The Germans were able to correct a few impossible demands (for an example, the decommissioning of more submarines than their fleet possessed), and registered their formal protest at the harshness of Allied terms. But they were in no position to refuse to sign.

On Sunday 10th November they were shown newspapers from Paris, to inform them that Kaiser Wilhelm II had abdicated.

Between 5:12am and 5:20am the German dignitaries signed the Armistice in front of Marshal Foch, General Weyland and British Admiral Wemyss aboard carriage number 2419D. The Armistice, which stopped the actual fighting, took effect at 11am that day (the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month).

The Treaty of Versailles, signed on 28th June 1919, was the peace treaty that officially ended the Great War. Many Germans felt that the Treaty was unfairly severe to Germany and historians feel that it was this dissatisfaction that later paved the way for Hitler.

Even Marshal Foch foresaw this. After the signing of the Treaty of Versailles, he prophetically observed, "This is not a peace. It is an armistice for twenty years."

The carriage in which the Armistice was signed was later put back into regular service with the Compagnie des Wagons-Lits, but after a short period it was withdrawn to be attached to the French presidential train.

From April 1921 to April 1927, it was on exhibition in the Cour des Invalides in Paris.

In November 1927, it was ceremonially returned to the forest in the exact spot where the Armistice was signed. Marshall Foch, General Weyland and many others watched it being placed in a specially constructed building: the Clairiere de l’Armistice.

There it remained, a monument to the defeat of the Kaiser’s Germany, until 22nd June 1940, when swastika-bedecked German staff cars bearing Hitler, Goering, Keitel, von Ribbentrop and others swept into the Clairiere and, in that same carriage, demanded and received the surrender of France.

During the Occupation, the Clairiere de l’Armistice was destroyed and the carriage taken to Berlin, where it was exhibited in the Lustgarten.

After the American advance into Germany in early 1945, the carriage was removed by the Germans for safe keeping to the town of Ohrdruf, but as an American armoured column entered the town the German detachment guarding it set it ablaze and it was totally destroyed.

After the war, the Compiègne site was restored, but not until Armistice Day 1950 was a replacement carriage, correct in every detail, rededicated – an identical Compagnie des Wagon-Lits carriage, no. 2439, built 1913 in the same batch as the original, was renumbered no. 2419D.

Marshal Foch and Marshall Outteridge

Marshall Outteridge was your Editor’s late uncle. Family lore maintains that he was named after Marshal Foch, the French commander during the Great War. Marshall’s mother thought Marshall was Foch’s first name (which was actually Ferdinand), not realising that Marshal was a French military rank.

MS Achille Lauro

On October 7, 1985, four men representing the Palestine Liberation Front (PLF) took control of the cruise ship MS Achille Lauro off Egypt as she was sailing from Alexandria to Port Said.

The hijackers directed the vessel to sail to Tartus, Syria, and demanded the release of 50 Palestinians then in Israeli prisons. After being refused permission to dock at Tartus, the hijackers killed disabled American passenger Leon Klinghoffer and then threw his body overboard. The ship headed back towards Port Said, and after two days of negotiations, the hijackers agreed to abandon the liner in exchange for safe conduct and were flown towards Tunisia aboard an Egyptian commercial airliner.

United States President Ronald Reagan ordered that the plane be intercepted by F-14 Tomcats from the aircraft carrier USS Saratoga and directed to land at Naval Air Station Sigonella, a N.A.T.O. base in Sicily, where the hijackers were arrested by the Italians after a grave diplomatic crisis over juristiction between the US and Italy. The other passengers on the plane (possibly including the hijackers' leader, Abu Abbas) were allowed to continue on to their destination, despite protests by the United States. Egypt demanded an apology from the U.S. for forcing the airplane off course.

The fate of those convicted of the hijacking is varied:
  • Bassam al-Asker was granted parole in 1991. He died on February 21, 2004.
  • Ahmad Marrouf al-Assadi disappeared in 1991 while on parole.
  • Youssef Majed al-Molqi, convicted of killing Leon Klinghoffer, was sentenced to 30 years, left the Rebibbia prison in Rome on February 16, 1996, on a 12-day furlough, and fled to Spain, where he was recaptured and extradited back to Italy. On April 29, 2009, Italian officials released him from prison on good behaviour. In June 2009, however, al-Molqui's attorney told the Associated Press that the Italian authorities had placed his client in a holding cell and were about to deport him to Syria.
  • Abu Abbas left the jurisdiction of Italy and was convicted in absentia. In 1996, he made an apology for the hijacking and murder, and spoke out in favour of peace talks between Palestinians and Israel; the apology was rejected by the U.S. government and Klinghoffer's family, who insisted he be brought to justice. Abbas was captured in Iraq in 2003 by the U.S. military during its 2003 invasion of Iraq. He died in U.S. custody March 8, 2004.
  • Ibrahim Fatayer Abdelatif was sentenced to 30 years imprisonment. He served 20 and three more on parole and on July 7, 2008, he was expelled from an illegal immigrant detention center in Rome. He plans to appeal this arguing that he has nowhere else to go since Lebanon will not allow his return as he was born in a refugee camp and is thus not a Lebanese citizen.
The PLO was sued for its role in the death of Leon Klinghoffer. The $1.5 billion suit was dropped when the PLO paid an undisclosed sum to Klinghoffer's daughters. The family founded the Leon and Marilyn Klinghoffer Memorial Foundation which works to combat terrorism through legal, political and educational means.

The ship continued in service; she was reflagged in 1987 when the Lauro Line was taken over by the Mediterranean Shipping Company to become StarLauro. On November 30, 1994, she caught fire off the coast of Somalia while enroute to South Africa. Abandoned, the vessel sank on December 2.

A Tender Moment On Australian TV

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase Spending a Penny is not to be used after 31st December 2009 .

From this date, the correct terminology will be: Euronating.

Flash Of Understanding!

I had become confused when I heard the word service used with these sorts of agencies:
  • Inland Revenue Service
  • Postal Service
  • Train Service
  • Bus Service
  • Telephone Service
  • National Health Service
  • Cable TV Service
  • Civil Service
  • Public Service
  • Council Service
  • Customer Service
None of these are what I thought service was about.

But then I overheard two farmers talking. One of them said he had hired a bull to service his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those Services are doing to us.


Hugh Grant was arrested June 27, 1995 for his solicitation of Divine Brown's oral services. This is his mugshot taken that date. Ironically, the arrest boosted both Grant's and Brown's careers.

Rhode Island Mugshot from Al Pacino's January 7, 1961 arrest for carrying a concealed weapon. Pacino, aged 21 and living in New York City, stayed in jail for three days. The three occupants of the car at the time were all wearing black masks and gloves, and had been seen by police circling their vehicle in a suspicious manner.

David Bowie was arrested in upstate New York in March 1976 on a felony pot possession charge. 29 at the time, Bowie was nabbed along with Iggy Pop and two other codefendants at a Rochester hotel following a concert. Bowie was held in the Monroe County jail for a few hours before being released. The mug shot was taken three days after Bowie's arrest, when the performer appeared at City Court for arraignment.

Hot News From Today's Daily Telegraph...

Meanwhile, In The Local Underground Bunker...

Hat tip: Jim Jam Beeloo Bubs

Warning To All Party-Time Lovers

Never, ever, fall asleep when out boozing with your mates...

Judit And Judit

I have to say, I'm not at all sure I understand what this is about. But anyway...

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What's on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And that’s how the fight started...

- - - - - - - -

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I asked, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a friend.”

And that’s how the fight started...

- - - - - - - -

Last Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made a packed lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 35 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that's how the fight started...

- - - - - - - -

I bumped into the back of the car in front this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And that’s how the fight started...

- - - - - - - -

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And that’s how the fight started...

- - - - - - - -

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And that’s how the fight started...

- - - - - - - -

After retiring, I went to the Job Centre to sign on. The woman behind the counter asked me for identification to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my registration. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Job Centre.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability allowance, too.”

And that’s how the fight started...

- - - - - - - -

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And that’s how the fight started...

- - - - - - - -

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?”

"Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s how the fight started...

- - - - - - - -

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replied, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”

And that’s how the fight started...

Practice Makes Perfect

In The High Court

Model Mary Segovia is suing plastic surgeon Dr Jose Manaus Barvaria, claiming he left her nipples "uneven" when he performed a breast implant on her last month.

Dr. Barvaria says he sees nothing wrong with Ms Segovia's breasts, "They look perfectly normal to me, I can't see what all the fuss is about."

© 2007 The Edmondson Blog