The Edmondson Blog

Unfortunate Neon Signs

My Religion

My religion is to love justice, to long for the right, to love mercy, to pity suffering, to assist the weak, to forgive wrongs and remember benefits, to love the truth, to be sincere, to utter honest words, to love liberty, to wage relentless war against slavery in all its forms, to love husband and child and friend.

To be familiar with the mighty thoughts genius has expressed, the noble deeds of all the world.

To cultivate courage and cheerfulness, to make others happy, to fill my life with the splendour of generous acts, the warmth of loving words.

To discard error, to destroy prejudice, to receive new truths with gladness, to cultivate hope, and to see the calm beyond the storm, the dawn beyond the night.

To do the best that can be done and then be resigned.

This is the religion of reason, the creed of science.

This satisfies the brain and the heart.
Hat tip to Simon Birchenough.

Interesting Places For Your Granny To Visit

Did The Earth Move For You?

How To Save The World

Here is a thought from Masanobu Fukuoka’s The One-Straw Revolution, the great bible of do-nothing farming:
The more people do, the more society develops, the more problems arise.

The increasing isolation of nature, the exhuastion of resources, the uneasiness and disintegration of the human spirit, all have been brought about by humanity’s trying to accomplish something.

Originally there was no reason to progress, and nothing that had to be done.

We have come to the point at which there is no other way than to bring about a movement not to bring anything about.
Therefore to save the world, just do nothing.

Funny Crashes And Accidents

You Read It Here First!

A prototype spray-on condom was invented by Jan Vinzenz Krause of the Institute for Condom Consultancy, in 2006. The idea was inspired by the mechanics of a drive-through car wash — the penis was inserted into a chamber where nozzles apply a coat of fast drying liquid latex. The process took close to a minute, a restriction that has kept the product off the market. The product was expected to cost around twice as much as a traditional condom. Prototypes consisted of an application chamber and a cartridge of liquid that produces around 20 condoms, depending on penis size.

Besides being attractive to some because of its novelty, the spray-on condom was intended to solve several problems. The products proponents hope that consumers will find it easier to apply and use correctly than a traditional condom. Because it is easier to operate correctly, the device's inventor hoped that the condom would be more successful in preventing unwanted pregnancy and STD transmission. Because the condom uses the penis as a mould for its creation, it could be especially attractive to men with unusually sized or oddly shaped penises.

The product has several problems; in testing, some men found it intimidating, and were not willing to insert their penis into the device, opting to test it on their finger instead. The applicator emitted a loud hissing sound upon use, potentially 'killing the mood.', and the latex did not form a reservoir tip.

To date, the concept requires final development.

Train Crashes

Nothing more to say, really.

Why Santa Is Red

Alternative Medicine

Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Aren't fried foods bad for you?

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Is chocolate bad for me?
Are you crazy? Cocoa beans - another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Is swimming good for your figure?
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
  • The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Brits.
  • The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Brits.
  • The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Brits.
  • The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Brits.
  • The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Brits.

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.

More Engrish As She Is Spoke

First One Out's A Sissy!

New Ozzy barbie game.

World's Largest Quadrille Dance

While rearching the Thanks Jimi Festival a few weeks ago, your editor came across this video. On 15th May 2009, in Ljubljana, Slovenia, 6,088 people gathered together to dance the largest quadrille ever.

More Clever Adverts

Another Tommy Cooper Classic

Cheap American Security System

How to install a low cost home security system.
  1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
  2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
  3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
  4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Big'un, Duke, Slim and I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Uncle Simon's Special

Hints On Etiquette

Etiquette is the barrier which society draws around itself as a protection against offences the 'law' cannot touch – a shield against the intrusion of the impertinent, the improper, and the vulgar – a guard against those obtuse persons who, having neither talent nor delicacy, would be continually thrusting themselves into the society of men to whom their presence might (from the difference of feeling and habit) be offensive, and even insupportable.

Many unthinking persons consider the observance of Etiquette to be nonsensical and unfriendly, as consisting of unmeaning forms, practised only by the silly and the idle; an opinion which arises from their not having reflected on the reasons that have caused certain rules to be established, indispensable to the well-being of society, and without which, indeed, it would inevitably fall to pieces, and be destroyed.

Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling arises, especially in country towns, from not knowing what is expected, or necessary to be done on certain occasions, resulting sometimes from the prevalence of local customs, with which the world in general are not supposed to be acquainted.

Besides, in a mercantile country like England, people are continually rising in the world.

Shopkeepers become merchants, and mechanics manufacturers; with the possession of wealth they acquire a taste for the luxuries of life, expensive furniture, and gorgeous plate; also numberless superfluities, with the use of which they are only imperfectly acquainted. But although their capacities for enjoyment increase, it rarely occurs that the polish of their manners keeps pace with the rapidity of their advancement: such persons are often painfully reminded that wealth alone is insufficient to protect them from the mortifications a limited acquaintance with society will entail upon the ambitious. Pride often deters people from seeking the advice of the experienced, when the opportunity of receiving it is presented. It is to be hoped that the following remarks will furnish a guide through the intricacies of conventional usage, without risk to the sensitive, or the humiliation of publicly proclaiming the deficiencies of an imperfect education.

In all cases, the observances of the Metropolis (as the seat of refinement) should be received as the standard of good breeding.
From Hints On Etiquette And The Usage Of Society, published 1856.

Clever Adverts

Advice For Stupid People

  • Don't throw a brick straight up.
  • Don't breathe car exhaust.
  • If you ever meet someone with a body guard, don't offer them a surprise gift of a firearm by pulling it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
  • Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
  • Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm, using metal fishing rods as pointers.
  • The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
  • If you need to get somewhere, and a train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
  • Don't piss off the Mafia.
  • If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
  • Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
  • Don't shave with a lawn mower.
  • Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
  • Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical sockets.
  • The warning Don't try this at home really means Don't try this at all.
  • Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
  • Don't eat hot coals.
  • Don't escape into jail.
  • Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
  • Don't kick hedgehogs with bare feet.
  • Don't sled down hills with motorways at the bottom.
  • Only sell at most one of your kidneys.
  • Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
  • Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
  • Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
  • Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
  • Don't pour salt in your eyes.
  • Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
  • Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
  • Don't bathe in petrol.
  • Don't sneak up to a stallion and smack it on the rump.
  • Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
  • Don't stick body parts into electrical sockets.
  • Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
  • Don't lick toads, bulls or jellyfish.
  • If you want to chew chewing-gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and cinemas even though it's free.
  • Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window - use the stairs.
  • Wear clothes.
  • Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
  • Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
  • No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
  • Give me all your money.
  • When sticking drawing pins into notice boards, press on the flat end.
  • Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

More Difficult Insurance Explanations

Thanks Jimi Festival

Every May Day the good folks of Wrocław, Poland, hold their Thanks Jimi Festival. The highlight is the public performance of Jimi's classic Hey Joe.

On 1st May, 2006, 1,572 guitarists gathered to play the classic song to break a Guinness World Record.

On 1st May, 2007, there were 1,881 guitarists and on 1st May, 2008, 1,951.

On 1st May 2009, an amazing 6216 guitarists joined in.

Here is the official video for 2006.

PS probably the most atmospheric lines of any modern song are these from Hey Joe:

I'm going down to shoot my old lady
You know, I've caught her messin' around with another man
Huh, and that ain't too cool.

Don't Laugh! (This Is Serious)

Most Elegant And Skillful High Dive Ever

Changing Fashions In Education

Teaching Maths In 1970

A woodman sells a lorry load of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths In 1980

A woodman sells a lorry load of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths In 1990

A woodman sells a lorry load of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

Teaching Maths In 2000

A woodman sells a lorry load of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Maths In 2005

A woodman cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the woodman cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

Teaching Maths In 2009

A woodman is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Druids or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.

He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.

While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. On release, the woodman is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the woodman going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

Teaching Maths In 2010

A woodman doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The woodman struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian woodmen buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

Teaching Maths 2017

الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟ أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من

Classic Tommy Cooper Sketch

How Mirrors Work

A Child's Prayer

Dear God,

Please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.


Just The Right Angle


A 75 year old lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Do you know which ward she is in?

Yes, Ward P, room 2B

I'll just put you through to the nurse station.

Hello, Ward P, how can I help?

I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.

Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?

No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*ck all in here!

Hitler Has Only Got One Ball

Hitler has only got one ball,
Göring has two but very small,
Himmler is somewhat sim'lar,
But poor Goebbels has no balls at all.

It is generally agreed that this ditty was written by Toby O'Brien, in August 1939 as British propaganda. O'Brien was the publicist for the British Council, the quago which encourages cultural and educational relationships between the United Kingdom and other countries.

O'Brien never directly claimed authorship and there are no known attempts by anyone to claim or enforce a copyright on the lyrics. It was only many years later that O'Brien's son claimed authorship for his father, although a Daily Mail report from 1939 states that it was attributed to someone not unconnected with our old friend the British Council.

It is known that the original version went:

Göring has only got one ball
Hitler's are so very small
Himmler's so very sim'lar
And Goebbels has no balls at all.

Göring and Hitler's positions were reversed very early on.

The lyrics were written to be sung to the tune of The Colonel Bogey March. This music is a popular march that was written in 1914 by Lieutenant F. J. Ricketts, a British military bandmaster who was director of music for the Royal Marines at Plymouth.

Supposedly, the tune was inspired by a military man and golfer who whistled a characteristic two-note phrase (a descending minor third interval) instead of shouting Fore! It is this descending interval which begins each line of the melody. At the time, the couplet Colonel Bogey was in use as a humerous reference to the imaginary partner for golfers who were playing on their own.

British officers of his day were not encouraged to pursue interests outside the Services so, as a Lieutenant, he published works under the pseudonym of Kenneth Alford, Kenneth being the Christian name of his eldest son, and Alford being his mother's maiden name.

But back to Hitler's equipment - was he monorchic (the medical name for the suggestion)?

A Soviet autopsy released in 1970 claimed Hitler was so, but most historians dismiss this as propaganda.

More interestingly, in November 2008, an eye-witness account by a Geat War army medic, Johan Jambor, was discovered. Apparently, in the 1960s, Jambor gave his account of how he saved Hitler's life after a groin injury in 1916 to a Polish priest and amateur historian called Franciszek Pawlar. Pawlar's record of the conversation was discovered by Pawlar's relatives and published.

A surviving friend of Jambor's, Blassius Hanczuch, has confirmed the story, adding that Jambor and his co-rescuers dubbed Hitler screamer (Schreihals) because, as they were carrying him away, they came under French fire and had to temporarily abandon him, upon which he began to scream very loudly, imploring them to come back and threatening them with court martial if they were to leave him behind.

World Custard Pie Championships

The World Custard Pie Championships were fought out at Coxheath, Maidstone, yesterday.

Sixteen teams from around Britain flung their way through the championships, with a local team, Coxheath Till I Die, splashing their way to victory with pies made from a secret recipe of flour and water poured onto paper plates. The idea is to have a pie that "hits you squarely in the face and drips off slowly."

Points are awarded depending on the accuracy of aim:
  • 6 points for a Direct Hit, squarely on the face.
  • 3 points for a Near-Miss, shoulder height or upwards
  • 1 point for a Body-Miss, hitting other part of the body
  • Deduct 1 point for 2 consecutive complete misses.
Judges can award upto 5 points for the most original and amusing throwing techniques.

See you all there next year.

The Abandoned City Of Agdam, Azerbaijan

Once a capital city with over 150,000 people Agdam, Azerbaijan has been variously treated as a ghost town, a no-man’s-land and a military buffer zone in a troubled area of the world.

In the 1990s it was vandalized and largely destroyed during Armenian occupation, its buildings looted and gutted and its mosque completely covered in graffiti.

Currently considered part of Armenia this husk of a city sits in the heart of an area that is at the core of conflicted set of nations from Russia in the north and Georgia in the northwest to Armenia and Iran in the soutwest and south. It also sits at the curious geographical intersection of Europe and Asia, ambiguously defined as being part of both or either one of these continents. Given turmoil in the region it is unlikely to be rebuilt anytime soon - if ever - and its citizens have been displaced in all directions with little likelihood of returning home.


Yet Another Difficult Insurance Claim

Stress Test

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate.

The picture has two dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water.

A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.

The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to speak to your boss and take some much needed time off.

Abandoned Castle

Mesen is the smallest town in Belgium with fewer than 1,000 residents. However, it is the home of one of the most beautiful abandoned castles one could imagine, built, rebuilt, modified and expanded from the 1500s onward. This gorgeous structure evolved from a defensive fortress to a boarding school over time before being abandoned in the middle of the 20th century. It has has decayed by natural means with very little outside interference or vandalism and conjures picturesque images of beautiful deserted buildings.

© 2007 The Edmondson Blog