The Edmondson Blog

New Balls Please

If you have a spare 5 minutes today, have a go on this new little game made to mark the start of Wimbledon. Can you tell the difference between the sound of someone serving in a game of tennis and someone getting serviced? Is it deuce or juice? Love all or a love in? Quite simply, is it sex or tennis?

Play the game to find out.

Photos from Blair's Last Day

A few more photos, taken on my Blackberry, here.

Farmers on Foot

A very good friend of mine's father, John Ballard, is walking 240 miles from Worcester to the white cliffs of Dover in aid of Cancer Research UK and Acorns Children's Hospice, Worcester. Take a look at this impressive deed here, and sponsor them!

Medical Condition

This is bad news. My thoughts go out to him.

Being Part of History

Tony and Cherie leave Buckingham Palace after he meets HM. At this point, the country has no leader.

I spent lunch today in the pre-2005 heart of democracy to take in the atmosphere of the changing of the guard: Tony Blair leaving and Gordon Brown arriving. Outside Downing Street the crowd were boistrous; there was a large anti-war contingent along side the usual Blairites who get wheeled out for these occasions. As Tony left in the PM limo, a huge boo went up from the Stop the War characters, but generally everyone was well behaved, with the dozens of police officers well in control.

I crossed over St. James's Park to the Palace and took my place between the tourists and Special Branch (the wrist microphones and ear pieces well in sight) to wait for Tony's step into public as a plebian for the first time in ten years. I noticed the marksmen on the top of the palace and a single figure flying the Union Flag in the crowd (probably an American tourist). As Tony left, this time in a car from the government pool, I could see Cherie frantically waving out the window. Why?

Five minutes later, Brown arrived, ready to step into Tony's shoes. He drove into the palace and through to the central courtyard. Noone could see his inevitable smile. His time had come.

As I returned to the office, I was asked for an interview by the Press Assocation. I was asked my opinion of GB and who I thought would win the next election. I obviously gave informed answers (ie. I tried to think what Peter Hitchens would say in the MoS). Look out for a clip of me on the Internet!

The Catch

I made the trip up to Bushey this evening to check out a new dining hotspot that's just opened, called The Catch. I was treated to a tour of the kitchens by the owner followed by an exquisite meal of poisson d'églefin et frites. The oil used for cooking was so fresh you could use it to power your car.

Here is a photo of the esteemed owner, having just recovered from his fifth bout of tonsillitis this year, smelling like Grimsby Port, circa 5pm.

Ring of Fire

Just baby wipes or something special for those times of need?

Hat tip: Roly

Blind Builder's Bridge Collapses

From Sky News:

Two Chinese officials who let a blind man build a bridge which collapsed during construction have been jailed.

The contractor altered blueprints without getting them checked by a professional, causing the crossing to fall apart, injuring 12 people.

Head of the local authority Huang Wenge and colleague Xia Jianzhong have been sentenced to 18 months and one year respectively for not stopping the project.

Analysts say China will be the next superpower. With people like this, I'm not so sure.

I've Been Used!

A photo I took on my trip to New York in January has been used in an online guide book to the city! Check it out here.

Brazier's Stag Weekend

My two least favourite sports: golf and football, and this weekend had them both. That didn't stop a very amusing couple of days on Alderney for Mark's stag weekend. The highlights included a beach BBQ on Friday night, a ride around the island checking out the fascinating history and the mother of all piss ups on Saturday night, which left me with a hangover only a kebab would solve on Sunday evening. Alderney is definitely worth a return visit.

Speed Skating

Where did those kids get their flip-flops?

Who is Seaman Stains?

The Captain Pugwash cartoon, which originally ran on the BBC between 1958 and 1967, is widely believed to have featured characters with risqué maritime names such as Master Bates, Seaman Staines, and Roger the Cabin Boy. In fact, the crew of the famous Black Pig ship included sailors with no such names: present on board were Master Mate, Tom the Cabin Boy, and Pirates Barnabas and Willy. (No character with the designation of 'Seaman' appeared in the show.) Series creator John Ryan successfully won retractions and settlements from the Sunday Correspondent and the Guardian after both newspapers claimed that the show's characters did indeed have smutty names, and that the BBC had taken it off the air as a result.

Another urban myth cleared up.

New Phone Number

I've managed to mess up the simple process of moving your mobile phone number to a new contract. Therefore, I've got a new number. Email me if you want it.

Place Your Bets Now!

I'm not a betting man but I've put £20 on Alan Johnson becoming the next Labour Deputy Leader
(mainly because Guido told me to). Wish me luck!

Initial Thoughts of the Blackberry Curve

For years I have been on a search to find the ultimate phone. My required specification has changed of the years, but every 12 months I look out for new hardware that will improve on the functionality of my last phone. This years specs included: a music player, a video player, a camera and a keyboard). I was going to compromise and go for the Nokia N95 but at the last minute I stumbled upon the holy grail: the new Blackberry Curve.

I think this is the ultimate phone. As well as meeting all my requirements, it's small, stable and is very easy to use. With the addition of the Blackberry Internet Service (which give you unlimited internet browsing and push email for £10 a month on O2) this is the ultimate smartphone. There are a couple of niggles which I miss: there is no built in Wifi; it is not 3G (so browsing can be slow); syncing email with Gmail is not two way (if you delete a message on a computer it is not deleted on the Blackberry) and there is no way to sync your calendar or contacts with online services like Google Calendar. This is small fry compared to some of the big killer apps, including Google Maps, syncing with Gmail, AvantGo (so you can sync the news first thing and read the headlines on the tube to work), a very stable operating system and a well laid out keyboard.

One word of warning: if you're moving to O2, make sure you have your PAC code ready if you want to bring your existing phone number. I didn't and now it's too late. Rats!

Redefining "Executive Jet"

Someone has bought themselves a double-decker Airbus as their new runaround:
An unnamed buyer at the Paris air show has placed an order for an Airbus A380 superjumbo to use as a private jet.

The double-decker, which is thought to have cost $300m (£150m), has 900 sq m (10,000 sq ft) in cabin space and has room for up to 840 passengers.

That's bigger than most people's houses and has enough room for the essentials: home cinema; jacuzzi; bowling alley. Some environmentalists are asking why. I say: BECAUSE HE CAN.

Who is Your Daddy and What Does He Do?

I spent an unhealthy amount of time over the weekend listening to prank calls. This one is funny, this is a classic and this is "to the point". Without doubt, a constructive way to spend time.

Jet Powered C5

I've always wanted to drive a Sinclair C5 to see whether it deserved the ridicule it received when it first appeared. This looks like some serious hardware and if I had the $$$ I would deal right now. Check it out on eBay.

She Was A Trooper

Another reminder to take a look at the Queen Mother's Book of Remembrance.

Friggin in the Riggin

I was discussing amusing song lyrics with CEPK on Friday evening and he mentioned Friggin in the Riggin by the Sex Pistols:

It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ, ya shoulda seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast was a mammoth penis

The captain of this lugger
He was a dirty bugger
He wasn't fit to shovel shit
From one place to another

Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
There was fuck all else to do

The captains name was Morgan
By Christ, he was a gorgon
Ten times a day sweet tunes he'd play
On his fuckin' organ

The first mate's name was Cooper
By Christ he was a trooper.
He jerked and jerked until he worked
Himself into a stupor


The second mate was Andy
By Christ, he had a dandy
Till they crushed his cock with a jagged rock
For cumming in the brandy

The cabin boy was Flipper
He was a fuckin' nipper
So he stuffed his ass with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper


The Captain's wife was Mabel
To fuck she was not able
So the dirty shits, they nailed her tits
Across the barroom table

The Captain had a daughter
Who fell in deep sea water
Delighted squeals revealed that eels
Had found 'er sexual quarters

Repeat Chorus to Fade

When Nature Takes a Left Turn

Bar Stools

With Barrymore getting arrested last week, it gives me a chance to pull out this old classic.

One Billion Reserve

My chillies are starting to look pretty healthy - I've even managed to transplant a few to the vegetable patch at Homefield. I'll keep you updated until I harvest what I hope will be some serious bad boys, though it'll take some luck for them to turn out like this.

Whistle as you Work

From some superb background music whilst you work or play click here.

He Eats Stuff That Makes Billy Goats Puke

There are some big films out this summer, but none more so than Rambo IV. Looking at the trailer it looks right on the money with some pretty bloody moments - just what you'd expect from everyone's favourite Vietnam veteran. It's on my list (next to Transformers).

Last Turkey...

After spending an invigorating day at Earls Court (including watching Sir Gerry Robinson present a seminar on managing change), it was off to Bloomsbury Lanes for a TfL managers bonding evening. Once again, I proved my athletic credentials by scoring 185 and getting a turkey in the process. I was presented with a skittle for my achievement.

Do You Know What It Is Yet?

Another unfortunate turn of events on children's television.

One for the Boys

The Secret of My Success

Hat tip: Hepburn

Nothing to See Here

After work, I walked down Victoria Street to see what all the commotion was. The police had set up a cordon quite a way back from the accident, meaning you couldn't see any of the damage. This didn't stop the news networks doing their bits to camera - they could've been anywhere! Hilarious.

Pay Attention

Some students see if they can break in to their house without the police noticing. And they could.

Why Lawyers Suck

Hat tip: Roly

The Time Has Come

It's that time of year when my mobile phone contracts is up. I've decided to now go for a Blackberry Curve as it fulfils my four basic requirements:
- big screen to watch films on
- music player to make the daily commute pass quicker
- keyboard for easy texting and emailing
- camera so I can keep my loyal readers up to date

I'm hopefully receiving it tomorrow. I'll let you know my initial impressions.

Amusing CVs - Part 2 - The Job Application

Dear Sir/Madam,

Unfortunately, I regret to thank this opportunity which made me the most pleasured to introduce myself between your hands and under your focus, through my attached curriculum vita. I attached my CV in two different formats (word document & Adobe Acrobat).

And actually, I am looking for a challenging life opportunity, where I can proof myself and pioneer my future.

Am waiting for an executive interview or prompt contact with you soon.

Best regards,

Brilliantly, the guy’s CV then claimed the following:

Arabic as mother tongues.
English with fluent grade in speaking and writing
Dutch with poor grade in speaking and writing

It does make you wonder how bad his Dutch must be...

Hat tip: Roly

Let the Games Commence

My crop is growing well. I can't wait until the harvest.

Police Academy Actors - Part 1

Michael Winslow, the man of 10000 sound effects!

Tehran Cinema

A movie I'd like to see!

Hat tip: EHH
Plagiarised from Angus McDowall's blog

Amusing CVs - Part 1

Seen on a CV recently:

2nd runner-up in British University Singaporean Association Scrabble Tournament (2003)

Two questions:
- Surely the 2nd runner-up is 3rd place?
- How many members are there in the British University Singaporean Association Scrabble Club?

If you've seen an amusing CV recently, please email me the selected text.

The Best Rube Goldberg Ever!

Makes the Honda advert look like child's play.

The King is Dead. Long Live the King!

Joseph Christian "Jaws" Chestnut has beaten the American hot dog eating record! On July 4, 2006 he ate 52 HDBs (hot dogs and buns) in twelve minutes at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Joey set the World Record on June 2, 2007 during the Southwest Regional qualifier for Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Arizona Mills Mall in Tempe, AZ, by eating 59.5 hot dogs and buns.

Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi has been beaten!


Today, the 5th of June, at 02:03:04 in the morning the complete time/date was:

02:03:04 05/06/07

This will not occur again until 2107.

Hat tip: George

The Hills Wedding

Spent the weekend down in Kent at the society wedding of 2007: Hills and Ginia's nuptials. It was the perfect day and the bar has been set very high for the rest of us. Click here to see my best piccies.

Chocks Away!

Some interesting facts about the new terminal at Heathrow:

- Terminal 5 is five times the size of BA’s current long-haul hub, Terminal 4
- The new Heathrow will be the fifth largest airport in Europe, with the capacity to handle 90m passengers
- T5 will have the first Prada store in a British airport and the first Tiffany boutique in a European airport. A Paul Smith Globe store will offer one-off clothes and accessories
- Shortly after T5 opens, Terminal 1 will close, Terminal 2 will be demolished and rebuilt as Heathrow East, and Terminal 3 will be redesigned and refurbished. The total cost of the work, expected to be completed by 2012, will be almost £8 billion
- An innocuous white door on the right just after the long-haul security check is a fast access to BA’s first-class lounge. It is for ‘VVIPs’ – the Queen and the prime minister – only
- There will be no McDonald’s or Burger King in Terminal 5 when it opens – but there will be a Starbucks coffee shop

Hat tip: George

A Tragedy!

The new London 2012 logo is probably the worst piece of design I have ever seen. Where is the link to London, the UK or ANYTHING Britain stands for? How about it being red, white and blue for a start? It looks like something out of the credits for The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Saved by the Bell. Just shocking and embarrassing. It should be reconsidered.

© 2007 The Edmondson Blog