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Meanwhile, Down At The Post Box ...

Funny Old World

Police in Japan have arrested the daughter and granddaughter of a centenarian believed to be Tokyo's oldest man whose mummified remains were found last month.

The pair are suspected of fraudulently receiving the dead man's pension.

Records showed that Sogen Kato was 111 years old, but it is thought he had probably been dead for 30 years.

The police have been investigating the case ever since his mummified remains were found last month in the Tokyo house he shared with his family.

His 81-year-old daughter, Michiko Kato, was arrested on suspicion of illegally receiving about 9m yen ($106,000) in pension payments, according to Japanese media reports. Her daughter, Tokimi Kato, 53, was also arrested.

The case triggered a nationwide check that revealed nearly 200 centenarians registered as alive were missing.

More Difficult Conversations With Your Insurance Company

Just For Laughs Gags

Anniversary Of The Shortest War Of All

Today is the 114th anniversary of the shortest war of all. On 27 August, 1896, between 9.02 and 9.40 AM, the Anglo-Zanzibar War was "fought" between the United Kingdom and the tiny island of Zanzibar.

The immediate cause of the war was the death of the pro-British Sultan Hamad bin Thuwaini on 25 August 1896 and the subsequent succession of Sultan Khalid bin Barghash. The British authorities preferred Hamud bin Muhammed as Sultan, who was more favourable to their interests, so they sent an ultimatum to Khalid demanding that he order his forces to stand down and leave the palace. In response, Khalid called up his palace guard and barricaded himself inside the palace. The ultimatum expired at 09:00 East Africa Time (EAT), by which time the British had gathered three cruisers, two gunships, 150 marines and sailors, and 900 Zanzibaris in the harbour area. Two minutes later, they set the palace on fire and disabled the defending artillery. The flag at the palace was shot down and fire ceased at 09:40.

The Sultan's forces sustained roughly 500 casualties, while only one British sailor was injured. Sultan Khalid received asylum in the German consulate before escaping to Tanganyika. The British quickly placed Sultan Hamud in power at the head of a puppet government. The war marked the end of Zanzibar as a sovereign state and the start of a period of heavy British influence.

Insults From The Days Of Great Thought

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.
Moses Hadas

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.
Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
Paul Keating

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
Charles, Count Talleyrand

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
Forrest Tucker

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination.
Andrew Lang

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Jack E. Leonard

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
Robert Redford

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
Thomas Brackett Reed

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Billy Wilder

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Abraham Lincoln

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
Winston Churchill
- - - - - - - - - -

If you were my husband I'd give you poison.
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Madam. if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
Churchill's response.
- - - - - - - - - -

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... If you have one.
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one.
Winston Churchill, in response.
- - - - - - - - - -

Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli.
That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.
Disraeli's reply.
- - - - - - - - - -

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
William Faulkner, about Ernest Hemingway.
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
Ernest Hemingway returning the compliment

Video Of The Moment

Next week's old news, while it's still fresh!

Difficult Conversations With Your Insurance Company

Inner Peace

Some doctor on television this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I had started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who frkin gud I fel.

Peas till orll yem frneds yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

Meanwhile, Down At The Dock ...

Down at the dockside a brand new 65feet long custom-built motor yacht complete with four staterooms, a state-of-the-art galley, GPS System and radar for navigation, twin supercharged diesel engines, etc. is being delivered to her new owner who is about to pay over the balance of the $2,474,793.00 purchase price.

The excited "soon to be" owner has arranged champagne, chocolate covered strawberries with cream and music on the dockside for a small group of friends to watch the yacht being delivered. Also in attendance are two representastives of the builders and, unfortunately, a defective shackle in the lifting gear.

Notice the owner huddled in the stern.

Lazy DIY

How To Determine Social Class

If it's Nan or Nanny, they are working class. If it's Nanna or Granny, they are middle class. On the other hand, if it's the Dowager Duchess...

Engrish As She is Spoke

The Few

The gratitude of every home in our Island, in our Empire, and indeed throughout the world, except in the abodes of the guilty, goes out to the British airmen who, undaunted by odds, unwearied in their constant challenge and mortal danger, are turning the tide of the World War by their prowess and by their devotion. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.
Winston Churchill speaking to the House of Commons,
70 years ago today.

After he gave his historic speech, Violet Bonham-Carter wrote to Churchill saying, “[That sentence] will live as long as words are spoken and remembered. Nothing so simple, so majestic and so true has been said in so great a moment of human history.”

Nearly 3,000 men were awarded the Battle of Britain Clasp. Today, there are fewer than 70 alive.

The flyers were mostly British, with many more from the British Empire and Commonwealth, particularly New Zealand, Canada, Australia and South Africa, as well as exiles from many conquered European nations. In particular, there were several squadrons composed of men from Poland, Czechoslovakia and Belgium. Other countries supplying smaller numbers included France, Ireland and the USA. The total number of flyers killed in combat was 510.

Don't Try This At Home!

New Condom Manufacturers

Imagine if major retail suppliers started making their own condoms and kept their tag line:

Its the real thing (Coke)
Just for the taste (Diet Coke)
Performance. Scandinavian style (Saab 9-3)
Attract plenty of interest (Volvo)
Where dreams begin (Harrods)
Lip smacking good (Pepsi)
Zoom, zoom, zoom (Mazda Cars)
Put the freshness back (Shake and Vac)
Cadbury's take them and cover them in chocolate (Cadbury's Whole Nut)
Helps you work, rest and play (Mars)
Magic moments (Quality Street)
Just do it (Nike)
The ride of your life (Peugeot)
Finger licking good (KFC)
Lasts longer, much longer (Duracell)
Keep on going and going (Ever Ready)
Once you pop you can't stop (Pringles)
Home of the Whopper (Burger King)
Your new best friend (Hyundai)
Good things should never end (Orange)
Come into Comet (Comet)

And a couple that probable need rejecting:

The one with the hole (Polo)
Mr Soft (Trebor Soft Mint)

Stand By Me

How They Do These Things In Japan

Why Boys Need Parents

Take Care As You Do Business In Great Waters*

*107th Psalm: They that go down to the sea in ships and do business in great waters; these see the works of the Lord and His wonders in the deep.

Meanwhile, Back At Apple Inc ...

Terrible One-Liners

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, Parking Fine. So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam..."

Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a-salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the gun, you drive"

Why Dogs Bite People

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