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Ages Of Man

You are in the middle of some kind of task around the house: mowing the lawn, painting the living room, changing a light bulb or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Homebase to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And anyway, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Homebase. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember you have your fishing hat on and it says, I Got Worms .

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Homebase until the chemist next door is open so you can collect your prescriptions at the same time. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather (ah, bless).

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Homebase. Go to Homebase and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the mother of the old cleaning lady nearby.

Difficult Explanations To Your Insurers

Cheap Joke From The USA


We all know those cute little computer symbols called emoticons, where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by



or even


Well, here are some alternatives:

(_!_) = a regular arse

(__!__) = a fat arse

(!) = a tight arse

(_*_) = a sore arse

(_o_) = an arse that's been around

(_x_) = kiss my arse

(_X_) = leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) = a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) = a smart arse

(_£_) = money coming out of his arse

(_?_) =dumb Arse

Foreign Relations

Thanks to The Last Turkey blog (see side bar).

How Monarchs Die

Being a British monarch is a pretty risky task. Since King Harold was killed at the Battle Of Hastings there has been 44 monarchs. Only eight have died of old age.

Harold, killed 14th October 1066 at the Battle of Hastings.
William I, 1066 – 1087, fell off his horse and died of injuries.
William II, 1087 – 1100, accidentally shot in heart and buried under Winchester Cathedral tower. The next year the tower fell down.
Henry I, 1100 – 1135, died from eating a surfeit of lampreys. Henry’s son and heir was drowned in shipwreck in 1120 when drunk.
Stephen, 1135 – 1154, died naturally.
Henry II, 1154 – 1189, died of a broken heart when he learnt that his sons had turned against him.
Richard I (the Lionheart), 1189 – 1199, shot in the shoulder in a minor skirmish and died from gangrene.
John, 1199 – 1216, a contemporary repart tells he fell into a fever and was let blood, but keeping an ill diet as indeed he never kept good, eating green peaches, and drinking sweet ale, he fell into a looseness and grew presently so weak, that there was much ado to get him to Newark, where soon after he died.
Henry III, 1216 – 1272, died naturally.
Edward I, 1272 – 1307, died naturally.
Edward II, 1307 – 1327, murdered with a red-hot spit thrust into his anus, so that body showed no signs.
Edward III, 1327 – 1377, died of overwork.
Richard II, 1377 – 1399, abdicated and then murdered.
Henry IV, 1399 – 1413, collapsed and died at his prayers.
Henry V, 1413 – 1422, died in France after long illness.
Henry VI, 1422 – 1471, murdered.
Edward IV, 1461 – 1483, died of fever. (He drowned his younger brother in a barrel of wine)
Edward V, April – June 1483, one of the princes murdered in the Tower.
Richard III, 1483 – 1485, killed at Battle of Bosworth Field. During the battle key allies switched sides. Tradition holds that his final words were "Treason, treason, treason, treason, treason." His naked body was paraded through the streets of Leicester.
Henry VII, 1485 – 1509, died in an epidemic.
Henry VIII, 1509 – 1547, died of syphilis.
Edward VI, 1547 – 1553, died in great pain of tuberculosis.
Lady Jane Grey, ruled 9 days July 1553, executed for treason.
Mary I, 1553 – 1558, Bloody Mary, died of either influenza or stomach cancer.
Elizabeth I, 1558 – 1603, died naturally.
James I of England and VI of Scotland, 1603 – 1625, died of dysentery.
Charles I, 1625 – 1649, executed.
Oliver Cromwell, 1649 – 1658, died of natural causes.
Richard Cromwell, 1658 – 1659, died 1712 of natural causes.
Charles II, 1660 – 1685, died of natural causes.
James II, 1685 – 1688, deposed and died of brain haemorrhage.
William III and Mary II, jointly reigned from 1689. William died from pneumonia, a complication from a broken collar bone resulting from a fall from his horse. Mary died of smallpox.
Anne, 1702 – 1714, died of erysipelas, a bacteriological skin infection causing massive swelling. Her body was so swollen and large that it had to be buried in a vast almost-square coffin
George I, 1714 – 1727, died of a stroke.
George II, 1727 – 1760, died of a ruptured aorta while straining on the WC.
George III, 1760 – 1820, died of porphyria that had turned him mad (and lost America).
George IV, 1820 – 1830, died from a ruptured blood vessel in his stomach.
William IV, 1830 – 1837, died of cardiac failure and bronchopneumonia.
Victoria, 1837 – 1901, died naturally at a very old age.
Edward VII, 1901 – 1910, , grossly overweight, died of a heart attack.
George V, 1910 – 1935, died of natural causes, although it was admitted in 1986 that he was “helped” to die so that the death could be reported in The Times and not the evening papers.
Edward VIII, 1935 – 1936, abdicated.
George VI, 1936 – 1952, died from lung cancer.
Elizabeth II, 1952 – present

The Unspoken Word

Dynosaur's Revenge

My Mother Said (Skipping Rhyme)

My mother said,
I never should,
Play with the gypsies
In the wood.

If I did,
She would say,
"What a naughty boy
To disobey."

What The Papers Say

What Women Actually Mean

Yes = No.
No = Maybe.
Maybe = No.
We need... = I want...
I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = But you will pay for this later.
I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good film on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

What Men Actually Mean

Yes = Yes.
No = No.
Maybe = Maybe.
I am hungry = I am hungry.
I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
I am tired = I am tired.
Nice dress = Nice tits.
I love you = Let's have sex.
I am bored = Let's have sex.
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next three minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person - because I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Fred Goodwin's Honorary Degree Citation


Safety In The Workplace

Farting Dynosaurs

Life In The Military III

"Go and tell Ahmed that Ramon has been hit, and for God's sake, hurry!"

"Poor Ramon has been hit, You'll have to change the order."

Make it twenty-six, not twenty-seven."

Scenes You Seldom See II

Engrish As She Is Spoke


Ford Sportka - The Evil Twin Revisited

Meanwhile, Back At The Factory...

The (Very) Weakest Link

Anne Robinson: The name of the Minister of Transport who gave his name to a type of pedestrian crossing was Leslie Hore-… what?

Contestant: Pelican.

Anne Robinson: Which “C” is a former German prisoner of war camp which is now used as a scout hostel?

Contestant: Auschwitz.

Life In The Military II

Scenes You Seldom See

Ford Sportka - The Evil Twin

The Fairy of the Phone

A film made in 1936 by the General Post Office instructing telephone users how to use their telephone properly. So now you know.

Life In The Military I

Goldfish Funeral

More Helpful Signs

Airport Prank

Feeling bored at the airport? Time on your hands? Well, you can always go and ask for one (or more) of these people to be called on the tannoy:
Phil McCavity
Mike Hunt
Connie Lingus
Clint Torres
Hal Djakok
Jim Nasium
Mike Ockhertz
Phil Miaz
Oliver Clothesoff

Ethnic Origin Of HMQ

What A Stunner!

I'm not sure what is worse - Claudia with a hook nose and whiskers, or me with wide sparkly eyes!


A man is strolling past an infants' school when he hears all the children chanting from the other side of the high fence, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He is intrigued and searches for a crack in the fence to see what is going on. Eventually he finds a knot hole and peeps through, only to be immediately jabbed in the eye from the other side.

As he reels back in agony, the chant goes up, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Helpful Signs

Electrical Safety (In Rhyme)

Remember, earth's green-yellow
Remember, blue don't care
Remember brown is live, good fellow
And then you're almost there!

Remember green, yellow, brown and blue
And you really won't go awry
But if the colours in the wires don't correspond
Then wave your hair goodbye!
By Ian McMillan

Slow Motion Bullets

Famous Last Words

Jokes From Gentler Times

Courtesy of Tommy Cooper

A woman goes to the doctor who examines her and says "You have a bad back." She says, "I want a second opinion." Ther doctor replies, "OK, you're ugly as well."

I backed a horse today at 20-1. It came in at 20 to four.

A man walks into a doctor's and says, "I've hurt my arm in a number of places." The doctor tells him, "Don't go there any more."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but could not find any.

Two fish in a tank. One says, "You drive and I'll aim the gun."

I went to the dentist the other dsay. He said, "Say 'Ah'." I asked why. He said, "My dog's died."

Two aerials on a roof fall in love and decide to get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

One in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family and I'm not Chinese, so it must be one of the others. It's either mum or dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho Chi Chou. I'm not sure, but I think it's Colin.

"Doctor, I cant stop singing The Green Green Grass Of Home!" He replied, "You've got Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is that common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he answered.

An Alternative View Of The World

The Camera Never Lies

Two ultra-Orthodox Jewish newspapers have altered a photo of Israel's new cabinet, removing two female ministers.

The two ladies, Limor Livnat and Sofa Landver, were grouped with the rest of the 30-member cabinet for their inaugural photo. But the newspaper Yated Neeman digitally changed the picture by replacing them with two men. The Shaa Tova newspaper blacked the women out.

Publishing pictures of women is viewed by many ultra-orthodox Jews as a violation of female modesty. The ultra-Orthodox community separates itself from mainstream society through its traditional religious practices and distinctive attire of black hats, coats and sidelocks for the men and long skirts and sleeves for the women. Restrictions include using only Kosher telephones, and not accessing websites with content deemed inappropriate.

Another Glimpse At Architectural Elegance

Round Our House...

Interesting Places To Live

When you drive home through the pretty village of Pratts Bottom you can be forgiven for not really noticing unusual street and village names. Here are a few to think about:
Back Passage, City of London.
Butt Hole Road, Doncaster, Yorkshire.
Crotch Crescent, Marston, Oxfordshire.
Dick Place, Edinburgh.
Fanny Hands Lane, Ludford, Market Rasen, Lincolnshire.
Fine Bush Lane, West London.
Hardon Road, Wolverhampton.
Minge Lane, Upton-upon-Severn, Worcestershire.
Pennycomequick Hill, Plymouth.
Slag Lane, Lowton, Warrington. Also in Haydock, St Helens; Westbury, Wiltshire and New Whittington, Chesterfield.
Sluts Hole Lane, Besthorpe, Attleborough, Norfolk.
Titty Ho, Raunds, Wellingborough, Northamptonshire.

Bishops Itchington, Warwickshire.
Bonkle, Lanarkshire.
Cocks, Cornwall.
Crapstone, Devon.
Fingringhoe, Colchester, Essex.
Loose, Maidstone, Kent, famous for the Women's Institute of Loose (rather than the Loose Women's Institute).
Nempnett Thrubwell, Bristol.
Penistone, Yorkshire.
The Land of Green Ginger, Hull.
Thong, Kent.
Twat, Shetland.
Wetwang, East Yorkshire.
Ugley, Essex. I know, what do they call their Women's Institute!?

And if you are travelling aboard, always remember Fucking in Austria. And stop by Dong Rack on the Thailand - Cambodia border.

Why You Should Not Take Men Shopping

This letter was sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford (it might sound a bit like an urban myth, but let's hope it's true):

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of his offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares" and watched what happened.

August 14: Moved a CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the Madonna look using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Take Care II

Another reason why you should take great care when you go out boozing.

© 2007 The Edmondson Blog