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Advice For Stupid People

  • Don't throw a brick straight up.
  • Don't breathe car exhaust.
  • If you ever meet someone with a body guard, don't offer them a surprise gift of a firearm by pulling it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
  • Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
  • Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm, using metal fishing rods as pointers.
  • The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
  • If you need to get somewhere, and a train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
  • Don't piss off the Mafia.
  • If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
  • Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
  • Don't shave with a lawn mower.
  • Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
  • Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical sockets.
  • The warning Don't try this at home really means Don't try this at all.
  • Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
  • Don't eat hot coals.
  • Don't escape into jail.
  • Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
  • Don't kick hedgehogs with bare feet.
  • Don't sled down hills with motorways at the bottom.
  • Only sell at most one of your kidneys.
  • Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
  • Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
  • Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
  • Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
  • Don't pour salt in your eyes.
  • Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
  • Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
  • Don't bathe in petrol.
  • Don't sneak up to a stallion and smack it on the rump.
  • Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
  • Don't stick body parts into electrical sockets.
  • Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
  • Don't lick toads, bulls or jellyfish.
  • If you want to chew chewing-gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and cinemas even though it's free.
  • Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window - use the stairs.
  • Wear clothes.
  • Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
  • Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
  • No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
  • Give me all your money.
  • When sticking drawing pins into notice boards, press on the flat end.
  • Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

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