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More One-Liners

The recruitment consultant asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "Do you want to borrow my rope?"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first." He went, "Baah and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest."


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road."


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


I went to buy a train ticket to France. The ticket seller asked "Eurostar?" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."


A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

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