The Edmondson Blog

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

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I went into a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. "Best before End."

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."

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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said "Kenwood." I said, "Where is he then?"

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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

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I phoned the Ramblers Association today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.