The Edmondson Blog

My friend Heps recorded this video of Georgie and Kenney dancing. I'm not sure I've seen such homoerotic moves since the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

Try to watch Ladette to Lady tonight (Thursday) at 9pm on ITV1. My friend Simon features, at home...

New series of the Pygmalion-style reality show in which eight loud-mouthed young women with a taste for beer, boys and binge drinking are trained in social graces at an old-fashioned finishing school. The group begin by swapping their usual clothes for more traditional outfits, and are given just four days to prepare for their first test - a shooting party at one of Yorkshire's finest country estates.

If you are keen for some online dating, I suggest you read this website first. You don't want replies like this:

"The one thing people don't know about me: I've recently been diagnosed with HSV [herpes] and genital warts. I don't want to be judged."

A news anchor faints and noone helps out. Hilarious!

My good friend Rachel has started her own garden and landscape design company. If you've got some outside space, big or small, I urge you to send some business her way.

Many congratulations to Greany and Ben who announced their engagement today.

Unbelievably, I don't have a photo of either on my computer. I'll dig one out later.

Doctors spent 15 hours attaching a 10cm penis to the 44-year-old patient after the parents of a brain-dead man half his age agreed to donate their son's organ.

If someone had the audacity to stitch on a feeble 10cm to me, I'd reject the organ too!

As some of my learned readers will know, I'm off to China next month for a couple of weeks. After a few days in Shanghai, I'm flying up to Beijing to explore the capital with George. He's just informed me of the world's only restaurant specialising in serving up penis.

Nestling beside the dog's penis are its clammy testicles, and beside that a giant salami-shaped object.

"Donkey," says Nancy. "Good for the skin..."

What's Mandarin for "can I reserve a table for two?"

(Click on the title for the full BBC story.)

Me and my fellow ushers, Charlie and Mark.

Just got back from an absolutely fantastic weekend down in Devon at Ned and Nicola's wedding. Great service, fine food and wine and doggery all evening until 3am. Feeling pretty sore today.

Click here to see my photos.

"Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout."

Where's the phone? I want to cancel my gym membership.

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.


Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

A bright and brash Australian
The "Hunter" was his name
And all those slimy reptiles
Brought him wealth and fame

Some say he was a looker
To girls, he was a dish
He knew everything about crocodiles
But fuck all about fish...

I'm a huge fan of Dirty Sanchez, the UK answer to Jackass. Four lads go out of their way to take each other down, not just entertain an audience like Jackass. I've never had to divery my eyes from the screen more whilst watching TV. Following in the footsteps of Jackass, they are releasing a film next week. With facts like the following, a visit to the cinema is in the diary:

The film was originally shown to the BBFC in an unfinished version. They recommended that a sequence featuring a man sucking excrement from the anus of a live rabbit would need to be removed before the film could be classified '18'. This cut was requested on the grounds of an infringement of the Cinematograph Films (Animals) Act 1937.

**UPDATE**
Some bits that did make it in:
- supergluing someone's nostrils shut
- shooting people in the head with a BB gun
- nailing a hand to a piece of wood
- eating and drinking human excrement
- feasting on vomit (one's own and other people's)
- swallowing fat and blood removed from a fat man's stomach
- attempting to swallow a human fingertip after it's been freshly
removed on camera by a cigar-cutter

My good friend Bella has got herself a job writing for the Sun Woman website. Click here to check out some of her stories (and drive up her traffic so she gets a promotion!)

A midget Michael Jackson dancing to Thriller. I won't lie to you: this has gone straight in at my number 2 all time favourite music videos.

Some IT honeys in the US have put together a calendar recreating some of the most famous scenes from cinema. I use the word "honey" in the loosest possible way.



Click here to see some of the photos from the calendar.

Make sure you switch onto Question time at 10:30pm on BBC1 this evening. My mother is in the audience! Look out for the yummy mummy in the cream twin-set.

True or a pile of shit? (Oh dear...)

Just got an email from my friend Warby who has emigrated to the British Virgin Islands to work for Pusser's Rum.

Thought you might like to see the journey to one of my offices. How is the tube for all you lucky Londoners?

Bastard.

One of my favourite scenes of all time:



Maitre D: And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.

Mr Creosote: No.

Maitre D: Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin one.

Mr Creosote: No. Fuck off - I'm full... [Belches]

Maitre D: Oh sir... it's only wafer thin.

Mr Creosote: Look - I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.

Maitre D: Oh sir, just... just one...

Mr Creosote: Oh all right. Just one.

Maitre D: Just the one, sir... voila... bon appetit...

[Mr Creosote somehow manages to stuff the wafer-thin mint into his mouth and then swallows. The Maitre D takes a flying leap and cowers behind some potted plants. There is an ominous splitting sound. Mr Creosote looks rather helpless and then he explodes, covering waiters, diners, and technicians in a truly horrendous mix of half digested food, entrails and parts of his body. People start vomiting.]

Maitre D: [returns to Mr Creosote's table] Thank you, sir, and now the check.

The greatest ever party at Homefield? It's a close call... I've added up the damage: between the 21 of us (Hills was driving) we dealt with 41 bottles of wine and 98 bottles of Stella. A commendable effort. I've added a selection of photos to Flickr. Click here to take a peek.

I forgot to judge the costumes. My verdict is:

3rd prize - Russell as Rambo
2nd prize - Bella as the sumo wrestler
1st prize - Charlie and Cata as the chavs

Charlie and Cata have won a bottle of vintage port.

The booby prize goes to Smith, who had the audacity of turning up without a costume, made worse by the fact he used a feeble excuse. A butt funnel is heading his way.

The Pope, as everyone knows, has apologised for using the words:

Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.

What happened next?

The hardline cleric Sheikh Abubakar Hassan Malin told worshippers at his mosque to hunt down and kill whoever offended the Prophet Mohammed and gunmen shoot dead a 65-year-old Italian nun and her bodyguard at a hospital in Somali capital, Mogadishu.

Huh?

Had a great weekend entertaining the cousins at Homefield, organised at the annual catch up and to get four generations of Edmondsons in the same room together (which doesn't happen often enough). As the eldest boy cousin, my grandmother gave me the special invitation to "work hard". I tried my best. Also, as one of the eldest of my generation, this year more than previously, many of the kids seemed to have grown up immensely. (See these previous photos from 2002 and 2003.) The day included a BBQ, wheelbarrow races in the garden, boules, trampolining, all washed down with copious amounts of Corona.

From the back: Claudia (sister) - Talya (cousin) - Sophie (second cousin) - Sarah (cousin)

Olivia (cousin) - Pippa (cousin) - Natasha (cousin) - Me

Rowan (cousin) - Olivia (second cousin) - Amelia (second cousin) - Milly (cousin)

Russell (brother) - Nanny (grandmother) - Ross (cousin)

Had a very amusing evening down in The Miners Arms in Dunton Green, playing billiards and killer darts with the locals. Initially suspicious, the locals shook our hands on leaving willing us to return. I earned the nickname "Jimmy the Bull" due to my prowess on the dart board.

Click here to see my photos from the day.

One of my favourite comedians, Tim Vine, is on tour next month. His routine is a stream of groan-inducing one-liners which eventualy break you down, similar to the great Bob Monkhouse. He's got the distinction of holding the world record for the most number of jokes told in one hour (449!). Typical lines include:

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

I was reading this book 'The History of Glue' I couldn't put it down.

I got a job as the queen's hairdresser. The other day I parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman came up to me and said 'have you got a permit?' And I said 'no I've just got to take a bit off the back.'

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room, I didn't know what to make of it.

Classic. If you know me and you want to come to see him live, get in touch!

If you want a bit of comedy, watch this video to see how David Shayler, a former MI5 agent, reckons 9/11 was an "inside job" and the Pentagon was actually hit by a friendly fire missile. Superb conspiracy!

Vivaldi has his Four Seasons; Da Vinci has the Mona Lisa; Edmondson has the Sausage Curry. Now regarded a cornerstone of Asian cuisine, I moved my masterpiece back to centre stage this evening by cooking up a sausage curry for my good friends Schuyler, Graham and Rebecca. The photo is of us eagerly licking the saucepan to gobble down the remainder of the prized dish. The Curry was invented by myself and E.H.Hills back at university in 1999. It has never let us down.

Anyone got a problem they need solving? From The Guardian:

Channel 4 has confirmed another show in its "Wank Week" season [click for background - sign in required] - a documentary about compulsive masturbators.

Independent producer Spun Gold has been commissioned to make the one-hour programme following two men trying to kick their habit.

...

One of the participants in the new show - who says he masturbates 20 times a day - has already been cast, but the producer is seeking a second male for the programme.

The compulsive masturbators will be filmed hearing about different ways to cut down, focusing particularly on methods used in the US.

I wonder what the "methods" are???

A lot of my learned readers ask me what I do for a living, which I always find difficult to answer (NOT because I don't to very much). Rather than saying I'm the strategy development manager in the policy, strategy and best practice unit working within group procurement at Transport for London, I always say something along the lines of I help the procurement gents do their jobs to the best of their abilities by looking at best practice and making it count.

Currently, I'm helping put in place a series of sustainable procurement policies that the Mayor wants implementing. To do this, we're looking at how we can influence the major projects on the horizon, such as the East London Line Extension, which is now underway.

I've just found out about this website which lists all the major projects both proposed and underway within TfL. If you're interested in the future of public transport in London, I suggest you read it. This map of how the tube will look in 2016 is also fascinating.

From Channel 4 News:

A Slovak driver who crashed into a bus shocked rescuers who found him unconscious and half-naked with a vacuum pump on his penis.

Police said the 42-year-old man, driving an old Citroen in the Slovak town of Levice, had ignored a give way sign.

'It's very likely he had auto-sex while driving: it is a matter of investigation. After the accident he was found lying in the seat, his pants were off and it (the pump) was placed on his penis,' police officer Peter Polak told Reuters.

'I've never seen anything like this, nor have my colleagues,' he added.

The man was taken to hospital with "head" injuries.

A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, cups his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

Following on from my last post, I've been looking for "soundboards", where you can click on buttons to play sounds from different Arnie films. Click here for an example. You can have hours of fun playing some of these down the phone at unsuspecting friends. I've also found some hilarious collections of prank calls. This is the best one.

Hilarious clip of Arnie phoning Deal or No Deal as "The Banker".

I've helped my good friend Van recode the website for his two Greek restaurants up in North London. Both Van Antonis restaurants are a scream, especially at Christmas, so book now!

The more eagle-eyed of you will notice it's set out using the same template as my own personal website... and hunter.co.uk... and resco.co.uk... and Durham Leavers... and World Diners Club, amongst many others. Hey, why change something when it ain't broke?

Somehow, my personal website is featured on the top line of Google if you search for my name. Click here to see what I mean. (It worked today!)

I don't have much on my website at the mo - I'm too busy updating my blog - but when I get some free time, it'll receive some attention.

Cameron - T - Arquette - Edmondson

Many people tell me I look like famous stars. Most recently, it's been David Cameron, previously it was Courteney Cox's husband David Arquette. There have been others. What do you think?

Spent the weekend in Cornwall for Ned's stag weekend. After a warm up meal in Rick Stein's excellent bistro, we headed into Padstow for Friday night for some super-huge doggery. In fact, there was so much doggery, you could've started your own pound. Shenanigans including one of the best men throwing up under the table into an antique tobacco tin and the landlord immediately heading over the retrieve the receptacle, without realising it's new contents.

Saturday afternoon we went surfing in Polzeath, which was absolutely fantastic. The photo above was taken after our lesson. From left to right: Ned (the stag) - Dave - Macca - Jeff - Ben (best man 1) - George (best man 2) - Ed - me - my trusty surfboard.

After a swift refreshment (and a check of the underage drinkers) in The Mariners, we headed back to get ready for a night out in Newquay. Oh my Lord. Newquay is one of the most miserable places I have visited in these fair isles. Heaving with stag and hen nights, each bar entices you in with pound-a-pint offers and free entry if you're wearing fancy dress. Late in the evening we headed to "Teasers", Newquay's only strip club, which was WEAK. They hadn't even organised a license, so the (pretty ropey) local girls all wore bikinis. Waste of time. We rounded off the evening with a suitably cheesy nightclub and kebab. Fantastic fun all round.

I've just heard the shocking news that Steve Irwin, the Australian wildlife "personality", has died. He was stung by a stingray in the chest and had a cardiac arrest. This is an absolute tragedy. I've always enjoyed his programmes on Animal Planet, his zany behaviour making you believe he was on the cusp of being tagged by some confused reptile.

Steve Irwin, Rest In Peace.