The Edmondson Blog

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discover: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200kg
Occurrences: Copious quantities in all urban areas

Physical Properties:
  • Surface usually covered in painted film.
  • Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
  • Melts if given special treatment.
  • Bitter if incorrectly used.
  • Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
  • Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
Chemical Properties:
  • Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
  • Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
  • May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
  • Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
  • Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
Common Uses:
  • Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
  • Can be a great aid to relaxation.
  • Very effective cleaning agent.
  • Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
  • Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
  • Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
  • Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
  • Should you experience itching, burning or rash, discontinue use immediately and seek medical treatment.

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