The Edmondson Blog

Terrible One-Liners

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, Parking Fine. So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam..."

Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a-salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the gun, you drive"

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