The Edmondson Blog

This is me with my grandfather, Pop. Unfortunately he's succumbed to Alzheimer's, but still conducts himself with grace and humour. He is unable to talk now, but whistles to keep us entertained! A truly remarkable man.

We had Christmas round at Homefield this year. Along with our family there were my grandparents, uncle and cousins, with their two children. What a good looking family!

This is me with my beautiful second cousin Sienna, who's fifteen months old.

I'm not sure if I ever posted this, but I'm going to now for posterity.

About 18 months ago, my Pa was having a clearout of old tat at home and sent some photos off to an auctioneer for valuation. Out of the blue, the auctioneer came back and said they were worth £5000. Once the photos were put into an auction, it became obvious the photos were unique and a bidding war started which pushed the value up to £13k!! Not bad for something you thought was worthless. The BBC even ran the story (see link).

I've still to see my "family share"...

I've got a phobia of hairdressers - I hate the simple banter you're forced to engage in whilst some dippy Australian is chopping your locks. I haven't had a haircut since September so I thought I better get myself tidied up for Christmas. I managed to come out looking like I'd just had a frontal lobotomy. It was so bad I ran home to take a photograph before dealing with it with a firm palm.

The story speaks for itself. What a pair of monkeys.

Great story...not sure if it's real!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A picture of Jack, my good friend Will's baby boy, who was born on 10th September this year. He weighed a mighty 10lb 14oz.

I read this in The Sun last week. The publicist who came up with this "fact" should get a bonus...perfect marketing!

"NEW Superman Brandon Routh is giving movie chiefs a mighty headache — with his supersize LUNCHBOX.

Hollywood executives have ordered the makers of Superman Returns to cover up the rookie actor’s blockbuster bulge."

There are loads of these floating around, but so many are absolute rubbish. These are the best of the bunch:

Where's Michael going on holiday?
He's off to Tampa with the kids.

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael?
"Excuse me, but you're in my son"

What does Jacko have in common with a Big Mac?
They're both old meat between young buns

What does Michael hand round after dinner?
The under-eights

What does Jackson have in common with whisky?
They both come in small tots

What do Michael and Wal-mart have in common?
They both have boys briefs half-off

Old story but one of my favourites:

"Terror suspect Abu Hamza has reportedly been handed new £5,000 hooks by the NHS and his own bottom wiper in jail... Worries Hamza may hurt himself wiping his bottom reportedly prompted officials to hire a £30,000-a-year nurse called Harry to do the job...The prison helper already performs the role for other inmates at the top-security Belmarsh jail, and has earned the nickname Dirty Harry."

Apparently, these are actual complaints from tenants to their landlords...

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked; where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers!

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night?

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

Ate out in Asakusa on Monday night with Tori and a couple of friends. Great Japanese restaurant, a million miles from places like Hakkasan. This place was decorated more like my local curry house. Click on the link above to read my review on London Eating. While you're at it, Google "London Eating" and "James Edmondson" and it'll bring up all the other restaurants I've reviewed. Excuse the poor English.

The Law of the Playground is a hilarious website detailing stories from the school. Some are shocking, others slightly random, but most revolve around poo and being gay (standard insult for a 10 year old). Click on the link to browse. Here's a good example:

"Write YES on one side of a rubber and NO on the other. Ask it a question, then flip it for the answer. Be wary, though, of what you ask, particularly the potentially devastating 'Am I gay?' If you get an answer in the affirmative, you are doomed forever. The rubber oracle never lies.

Mind you, if you are so sexually insecure as to feel the need to ask that particular question, you're probably gay anyway. Again, doomed. "

An amusing picture someone entered into a Photoshop competition. Was Mickey an intellectual living in Cambodia? Click on the link to see the other entries.

I took this on my phone when I was in Swansea last summer. I hope noone ever needs to contact the Emergency Services!

This is a photo of me dealing with a yard of ale at a party last year. It looks impressive, but what you don't see is three minutes later when I've got a soaked T shirt and bored onlookers. At least I tried!

My brother Russell on the left, sister Claudia in the middle and me on the right. Taken in September 1985 outside our parents house. Proving I've always been on the cutting edge of haute couture.

This really speaks for itself...

Hilarious video of Mr. T, one of my all time heros, singing a cringeworthy song about being good to your Mam.

I'm not sure what's worse: the lyrics, the kids' insults to each other or Mr. T's wobbly knee!

Some Canadian bought a $7000 air ticket allowing him to fly unlimited on Air Canada for 60 days. He set himself the challenge of flying 1 million miles, which he did, and won $70,000 worth of flights. Ok....

The best bit is, he flies cargo planes as a living!

What do Michael Jackson and a Silver Medallist have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

Just found this on the Net. Seems like a superb idea, with an original twist. Rather than do the old "buy a goat for Africa", buy something grim and turn it into something great. For example, buy an AK47 and it's turned into a garden hoe, which is then donated. You can buy anything from 10 acres of minefield (which will be cleared) to a tank!