The Edmondson Blog

The actor, John Le Messurier's self-penned death notice in The Times. He died on 15th November 1983.

When I grow up to be a man
Will I dig the same things that turn me on as a kid?
Will I look back and say that I wish I hadn't done what I did?
Will I joke around and still dig those sounds
When I grow up to be a man?

Will I look for the same things in a woman that I dig in a girl?
(fourteen, fifteen)
Will I settle down fast or will I first wanna travel the world?
(sixteen, seventeen)
Well I'm young and free but how will it be
When I grow up to be a man?

Will my kids be proud or think their old man is really a square?
(eighteen, nineteen)
When they're out having fun yeah, will I still wanna have my share?
(twenty, twenty-one)
Will I love my wife for the rest of my life
When I grow up to be a man?

What will I be when I grow up to be a man?
(twenty-two, twenty-three)
Won't last forever
(twenty-four, twenty-five)
It's kind of sad
(twenty-six, twenty-seven)
Won't last forever
(twenty-eight, twenty-nine)
It's kind of sad
(thirty, thirty-one)
Won't last forever
(thirty-two...)

HOUSE OF YORK

Edward IV, born 1442, reigned 1461 – 1483. Greedy and lazy, liked women, but considered a good king. Drowned his troublesome younger brother, Duke of Clarence, in a barrel of wine. Died of fever. To son:

Edward V, born 1471, reigned April – June 1483, only aged 12. Edward IV’s brother, Richard, was appointed Protector but when Edward died, Edward V was put in the Tower by Richard III. Edwards’s brother, Richard, was also imprisoned to keep company – the Princes in the Tower. Edward’s coronation was set for 4th May 1483 but was then postponed. A rumour was circulated that Edward IV’s marriage was void so Edward V was illegitimate and could not be king. Richard III was crowned on 6th July 1483. Nothing more was heard of the princes until demands were made for their release. It was then announced that they were dead. It is thought that Richard III had both boys smothered in late July or early August. But some papers indicate that they were alive as late as 1485. If this is true, it is possible they were killed by Henry VII after he killed Richard III in battle and then blamed Richard. In 1674 a buried chest was found in the Tower which contained bones of two boys. They were reburied in Westminster Abbey. In 1933 the tomb was opened but scientists were unable to tell the age of the bones or cause of death. One boy, probably Edward, had serious jaw disease. To uncle, brother of Edward IV:

Richard III, born 1452, reigned 1483 – 1485. Killed at Battle of Bosworth Field. Deserted by two allies who changed sides. Only son, Edward, died in 1484 (but see letter below). To son of half brother of Henry VI:

HOUSE OF TUDOR

Henry VII, born 1457, reigned 1485 – 1509. Having gained the support of the in-laws of Edward IV, Henry VII decisively defeated Richard III at Bosworth on 22nd August 1485 after several of Richard’s key allies switched sides. Henry’s claim to the throne was tenuous, based upon an illegitimate line of succession. He was a fiscally prudent monarch who restored the fortunes of an effectively bankrupt exchequer by introducing ruthlessly efficient mechanisms of taxation. He died of tuberculosis although popular belief was that he died of a broken heart over the death of his heir, Arthur, in an epidemic. To second son:

Henry VIII, born 1491, reigned 1509 – 1547. Married six times. No account of the legacy of Henry VIII can overlook its dominating fact: the launching of the English Reformation. Though mainly motivated by dynastic and personal concerns, and despite never really abandoning the fundamentals of the Catholic faith, Henry ensured that the greatest act of his reign would be one of the most radical and decisive of any English monarch. Died of a combination of old age and syphilis.To son:

Edward VI, born 1537, reigned 1547 – 1553. Came to the throne aged 10 and died childless in great pain of tuberculosis at age 16. To great-granddaughter of Henry VII:

Lady Jane Grey, ruled 9 days July 1553 aged 16. Died 1554 in the Tower. Edward VI’s will left the throne of England to Lady Jane Grey (who was staunchly Protestant but actually third in line). Many powers of the land proved willing to accept her as Queen of England, even if only as part of a power-struggle to stop Henry’s elder daughter, Princess Mary, a Roman Catholic, from acceding to the throne. Jane’s brief rule ended, however, when the authorities revoked her proclamation as queen. Executed for treason. To the elder sister of Edward VI:

Mary I, born 1516, reigned 1553 – 1558, married Philip of Spain, no children. She died after a false pregnancy so probably of ovarian cancer. To the younger sister of Mary and Edward:

Elizabeth I, born 1533, reigned 1558 – 1603. Unmarried, no children. She died of old age and pneumonia. She refused to die in her bed and lingered for days propped up on cushions on the floor. To James I, the double grandson of Henry VII.

In the year 1720 I waited on the late Lord Heneage, Earl of Winchelsea at Eastwell-house, and found him sitting with the register book of the parish of Eastwell lying open before him. He told me, that he had been looking there to see who of his own family were mentioned in it. “But” says he, “I have a curiosity here to shew you.” And then shewed me (& I immediately transcribed it into my almanack):

Rychard Plantagenet was buryed on the 22 daye of December, anno ut supra. Ex registro de Eastwell, sub anno 1550.

This is all the register mentions of him, so that we cannot say whether he was buried in the church or the churchyard; nor is there now any other memorial of him, except the tradition in the family, & some little marks on the place where his house stood. The story, my lord told me, was:

When Sir Thomas Moyle built Eastwell-house he observed his chief bricklayer, whenever he left off work, retired with a book. Sir Thomas had a curiosity to know what book the man read; but was some time before he could discover it; he still putting the book up if any one came toward him. However, at last, Sir Thomas surprised him, & snatched the book from him, & looking into it, found it to be Latin. Hereupon he examined him, & finding he pretty well understood that language, he enquired, how he came by his learning? Hereupon the man told him, as he had been a good master to him, he would venture to trust him with a secret he had never before revealed to any one. He then informed him.

I was, said he, brought up at my nurse’s house (whom I took for my mother) till I was seven years old. Then a gentleman, whom I did not know, took me from thence, and carried me to a private school in Leicestershire

That he was boarded with a Latin Schoolmaster, without knowing who his parents were, till he was fifteen or sixteen years old, only a gentleman (who took occasion to acquaint him he was no relation to him) came once a quarter, & paid for his board, and took care to see that he wanted nothing. And one day, this gentleman took him & carried him to a fine, great house, where he passed through several stately rooms, in one of which he left him, bidding him stay there.
Then a man finely drest, with a star and garter, came to him, asked him some questions, talked kindly to him, & gave him some money. Then the ’forementioned gentleman returned, and conducted him back to his school.

Some time after the same gentleman came to him again, with a horse and proper accoutrements, & told him, he must make a journey with him into the country. They went into Leicestershire, & came to Bosworth Field; and he was carried to King Richard III’s Tent. The King embraced him, & told him he was his son. But, child, says he, to-morrow I must fight for my crown. And, assure yourself, if I lose that, I will lose my life too: but I hope to preserve both. Do you stand in such a place (directing him to a particular place) where you may see the battle, out of danger. And, when I have gained the victory, come to me, I will then own you to be mine, & take care of you. But, if I should be so unfortunate as to lose the battel, then shift as well as you can, & take care to let no body know that I am your father; for no mercy will be shewed to any one so related to me. Then the king gave him a purse of gold and dismissed him.

He followed the king’s directions. And, when he saw that the battle was lost & the king killed, he hasted to London, sold his horse, & fine cloaths, &, the better to conceal himself from all suspition of being the son to a king, & that he might have means to live by his honest labour, he put himself apprentice to a bricklayer. But, having a competent skill in the Latin tongue, he was unwilling to lose it., and having an inclination also to reading, & no delight in the conversation of those he was obliged to work with, he generally spent all the time he had to spare in reading by himself.

• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
  

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

Warning: White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Warning: Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warning: The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

Warning: The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

Warning: The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

Warning: The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

Warning: The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Warning: The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

Warning: The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in getting your backside kicked.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

HOUSE OF ANGEVINS

Henry II, born 1133, reigned 1154 – 1189. Henry II had a very bad temper but was hardworking. He is reputed to have died of a broken heart when he learnt that his sons had turned against him. To son:

Richard I (the Lionheart), born 1157, reigned 1189 – 1199. Crusader. Caught returning from Crusade and held for ransom in Austria. Legend has it that Blondel his faithful troubadour went from castle to castle, singing a particular song, and that the imprisoned Richard replied with the second verse – thus identifying where he was imprisoned. Later, Richard was shot in the shoulder in a minor skirmish and died from gangrene. To brother:

John, born 1167, reigned 1199 – 1216. A bad king, bad mannered, bad tempered and a glutton. Had to sign the Magna Carta but the promises he made were short lived and he was soon at war again with nobles. On 12th October 1216 he needed to cross the River Welland and being impatient, would not wait for the tide to drop. He lost his vast treasure in the mud – it has never been found. He died a week later. Four hundred years later, in 1653, papers were found that admitted, “With the grief of which disaster, and perhaps distempered in his body before, he fell into a fever and was let blood, but keeping an ill diet as indeed he never kept good, eating green peaches, and drinking sweet ale, he fell into a looseness and grew presently so weak, that there was much ado to get him to Newark, where soon after he died.” He was buried at Worcester but dug up in 1797 and found to be 5ft 5in tall. To son:

HOUSE OF PLANTAGENET

Henry III, born 1207, reigned 1216 – 1272. Died naturally. To son:

Edward I, born 1239, reigned 1272 – 1307. Very popular, called “Longshanks.” On crusade when father died, returned in 1274. Died from dysentery while travelling to Scotland for a military campaign. He had been ill for some time and was probably unfit to travel. To son:

Edward II, born 1284, reigned 1307 – 1327. Terrible king. In 1326 his queen, Isabella, deposed him and made their 15 year old son Edward, king in 1327. Reputedly murdered with a red-hot spit thrust into his anus, so that body showed no signs. His heart was placed in silver box and sent to Isabella. To son:

Edward III, born 1312, reigned 1327 – 1377. Died of overwork. To grandson (son, Edward, died 1376):

Richard II, born 1367, reigned 1377 – 1399. Political infighting and bad decisions forced him to abdicate in 1399. Secretly murdered at Pontefract Castle in 1400. To cousin:

HOUSE OF LANCASTER

Henry IV, born 1366, reigned 1399 – 1413. Collapsed at his prayers in Westminster Abbey and carried into Abbots withdrawing room, known as the Jerusalem Chamber, where he died. An old prophesy said he would die “in Jerusalem.” To son:

Henry V, born 1387, reigned 1413 – 1422. Died in France after long illness. To son:

Henry VI, born 1421, reigned 1422 – 1471. Crowned age 9 months. A naïve man with bad advisors and suffered bouts of insanity. During the Wars of the Roses, Warwick the King Maker, a good general, made Edward IV king in 1461. Henry hung around, was captured in 1465 and put in Tower. Warwick fell out with Edward and reinstated Henry as pawn king in 1470. Edward returned in 1471, and Henry returned to the Tower. Henry’s son, Prince Edward killed in battle, Henry was murdered. To cousin, Edward VI of York.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine. And those who don't.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink a litre of water each day, at the end of a year we would have absorbed more than one gram of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria normally found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming a gram of poop a year.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk crap, rather than to drink water and be full of shit.

(There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.)

Can you imagine serving Jack Daniels and Coke without ice, for goodness sake! Simply shocking!

HOUSE OF WESSEX - Anglo-Saxon Kings of England

Edward the Confessor, born about 1004, reigned 1042 – 4th January 1066. He promised the English crown to his cousin, William of Normandy. Edward is considered the patron saint of kings, difficult marriages, and separated spouses. From the reign of Henry II of England to 1348 he was considered the patron saint of England, and he has remained the patron saint of the Royal Family. Died of old age. To brother in law:

Harold II, Harold Godwinesson, last of the Saxons, born about 1022, crowned 6th January 1066 and killed 14th October 1066 at the Battle of Hastings. Harold had sworn to Edward he would help William of Normandy to become king but broke the oath and accepted the crown on Edward’s death. Then to:

THE NORMANS

William I, born 1025, reigned 1066 – 1087. Only spoke French. The numbering of English monarchs starts anew after the Norman conquest, which explains why the regnal numbers assigned to English kings named Edward begin with the later Edward I (ruled 1272–1307) and do not include Edward the Confessor (who was the third King Edward).Fell off his horse and died of injuries. To younger son:

William II, born 1057, reigned 1087 – 1100. William Rufus, very unpopular, rowdy, drunken and bawdy. He never married and might have been homosexual. He was shot in heart while hunting deer in New Forest, carried to Winchester in a cart and was buried under the cathedral tower. The next year the tower fell down. Then to brother:

Henry I, born 1068, reigned 1100 – 1135. William II and his brother Robert had agreed each to be the other’s heir. However, Robert was on a crusade when William II died so Henry had himself crowned king. At first he was liked but became cruel. He captured Robert on his return, blinded him and held him prisoner for 28 years. Henry’s son and heir was drowned in shipwreck in 1120 when drunk. Henry died from eating a surfeit of lampreys (small eels). To nephew:

Stephen, born 1095, reigned 1135 – 1154. Although all dukes had sworn to make Henry’s daughter, Matilda, queen, they changed their minds when he died, and made Stephen king. This triggered a civil war and it was eventually agreed that Stephen would remain king but Henry, grandson of Henry II, would become king on Stephen’s death. Stephen died naturally. To grandson of Henry I.

A woman in her forties was following a coastal footpath along the top of a cliff in Devon. Fencing was in place to protect people from falling, but this protective fencing was no match for the allure of a feather blown by the breeze... just out of reach. While chasing the feather, the woman climbed the fence, slipped, and fell 80 feet. She was airlifted to the hospital, but there was no cure for what ailed her - she died of head injuries the following day. (22 Feb 2009)

- - - - - -

Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95. Shawn had recently left a Pompano Beach bar, and now he was stuck in traffic. As the saying goes, you don't buy beer - you just rent it, and Shawn couldn't wait another moment to relieve himself. "I need to take a leak," he told his friends.

Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out, put his hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall ... only to fall 65 feet to his death. "He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn't," said a Fort Lauderdale police spokesman. The car was idling on an overpass above the railroad lines.

His mother shared her thoughts. "Shawn didn't do a whole lot for a living. He got along on his charm, just like his father." (12 April 2008, Florida)

- - - - -

In another do-it-yourself project gone wrong, a 41-year-old diy-er attempting to demolish a large brick garden shed succeeded in his primary objective, but suffered collateral damage when the cement slab roof demolished him.

The unfortunate chap was alone on his property at the time. While one has to question the wisdom of undertaking a demolition project with no-one on hand in the event of a mishap, a neighbour happened to witness this mishap and immediately summoned help. Hydraulic rams and high pressure air bags were too late to stop fate. Paramedics pronounced him dead at the scene. (30 April 2009, York)

- - - - -

An electric shock made toast of municipal guard Arthur de Souza Coelho, 47. According to police reports, he had installed a tiny electric fence around his car to protect against the frequent robberies that occur in his neighbourhood in Belem, Para. Then (direct translation from Portuguese) "he forgot that he had left the fence on and he ended dying with the electric shock."(10 January 2010, Brazil)

It was getting very crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony - we live on the 25th floor - and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it landed on him and crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, I died and here I am."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line.

"Well, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Edith Piaf and Les Compagnons de la Chanson first recorded Les Trois Cloches in 1945. The song is based upon an old Swiss folk song and was rewritten into French in 1940 by Jean Villard. Les Compagnons appeared with Piaf in the 1947 film, Neuf garçons ... un coeur (Nine boys ... one heart), from which the clip above is taken. The outstanding plaintive voiced lead tenor of Les Compagnons is Fred Mella, leader of the group through its entire near-four-decade history.



THe song was translated and rewritten into English, renamed The Three Bells, (The Jimmy Brown Song) and recorded by The Browns in 1959. The recording was produced by Chet Atkins (which just goes to show how long some people have been around in the pop industry). The Browns had good chart success with the song on both sides of the Atlantic.

The English version is not a direct translation from the French. Translated accurately, the first verse and chorus start to tell the story of Jean Francois Nicot:

A village deep in the valley
Remote, almost ignored
Here on a starry night
A new born is given to us.
His name is Jean Francois Nicot,
He is chubby, soft and pink.
In the church, handsome little man
Tomorrow you will be baptised.

A bell rings .. rings
Its sound echos and echos
Saying to an astonished world
"Its for Jean Francois Nicot."
Its to welcome a soul
A flower which opens with the day,
A feeble, feeble flame,
So weak it asks for,
Protection, tenderness, love.

The English version tells the story of Jimmy Brown:

There's a village hidden deep in the valley
Among the pine trees all forlorn
And there on a sunny morning
Little Jimmy Brown was born.
So his parents brought him to the chapel
When he was only one day old
And the priest blessed the little fellow
"Welcome, Jimmy, to the fold".

All the chapel bells were ringing
In the little valley town
And the songs that they were singing
Were for baby Jimmy Brown.
And the little congregation
Prayed for wisdom from above
"Lead us not into temptation,
Bless this hour of meditation,
Guide him with eternal love."

Interestingly, The Browns were not the first to record an English language version of the song. The very famous boogie-woogie Andrews Sisters recorded a very moving & dramatic version for Decca Records in 1951 with Gordon Jenkins' orchestra & chorus. The very sophisticated arrangement was probably ahead of its time, as it did not meet with much success and no video clip is available.

Watch for these mergers during 2010:

• Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.


• PolyGram Records, Warner Bros. and Zest Crackers join forces and become Poly, Warner Cracker.


• 3M will merge with Goodyear and become MMMGood.


• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa.


• FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become FedUP.


• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild.


• Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become PouponPants.


• Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott NOW.
  

Last Monday, an old man approached Downing Street. He spoke to the policeman standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown, the Prime Minister."

The policeman looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached Downing Street and said to the same policeman, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown, the Prime Minister."

The policeman again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Brown is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached Downing Street and spoke to the very same policeman, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown, the Prime Minister."

The policeman, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Brown. I've told you already that Mr. Brown is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the policeman and said, "Oh, yes, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The policeman snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

By posing the following question:

You're down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.What do you do?

Answer from a UK Police Officer:

Well, that's not really enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-9-9? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself? If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and will I lose my family home?

Answer from an Australian Police Officer:

BANG.

Answer from an American Police Officer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping dad, were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

I danced with Linda,
I danced with Jean,
I danced with Cindy
Then I suddenly see

Mary-Anne with the shaky hands
What they've done to her man
Those shaky hands.

Mary is so pretty
The prettiest in the land
Guys come from every city
Just to shake her shaky hands.

Linda can cook
Jean reads books
Cindy can sew
But I'd rather know

Mary-Anne with the shaky hands
What they've done to her man
Those shaky hands.

Mary-Anne with the shaky hands
What they've done to her man
Those shaky hands.

Mary-Anne with the shaky hands
What they've done to her man
Those shaky hands.

The American Star was once the biggest single class liner in the world. Thousands of British families travelled on her when she was used during the days of the £10 assisted package to start new lives in Australia.

Just before her final voyage in 1994, the American Star was sold to the Chaophraya Development Transport Company which planned to tow her to Thailand and convert her into a floating hotel. The journey began New Years Eve 1993 and the ship passed Gibraltar on 12th January, 1994, in perfect towing conditions. But the next day, just 100 miles off the coast of Morocco, the weather deteriorated and on Saturday 15th January the tow line snapped.

The next day the tug crew managed to attach an emergency tow line but the bad weather which deteriorated into Force 12 winds, caused the emergency tow line to break. In a last bid to save the ship, sailors from the tug were sent aboard to connect two ropes to the tug. But these also broke and finally the sailors had to be lifted off the liner by helicopter.

The ship drifted but early on the 18th January the American Star ran aground on the west coast of the island of Fuerteventura, in the Canary Islands. No immediate effort was made to re-float her (it was said because of the classic age-old maritime assistance argument regarding payment) and just 48 hours later she broke in two.

The classic age-old maritime assistance argument is over whether the rescuing crew are merely "giving assistance" and therefore get paid just their ordinary "call-out" hourly rate no matter whether they save the ship or not (very much in the insurance company's interests as the cost is substantially lower), or whether it is "salvage" and they get paid a percentage of the value of the ship and its cargo if it is saved, but nothing if the ship is lost (much, much more). This has to be agreed before any attempt to assist is given. Professional salvors will stand off and watch a ship sink rather than offer assistance before the commercial terms are agreed.

During the days following the shipwreck, word spread and local islanders flocked to salvage all they could from the ship – furniture, brass plates, crockery, interior fittings. Indeed, to this day, there is a café in Puerto del Rosario El Naufragio which is completely furnished from windows to the bar with items taken from the wreck. You can find the café at the corner of Avda de Mayor and Jesus y Maria.

Conspiracy theorists ask why the ship took the route it did, why it wasn’t taken through the Suez Canal and why there was no attempt to re-float her.

During the first few days following the shipwreck, the American Star could be reached by boat. And although the ship appears close to the shore in a peaceful bay, there are strong currents and at lest eight people have died trying to explore the ship. Today, all that is left is the bow of the ship rising majestically from the waves. Eventually, this too will give way to the power of the sea.

We were invited to supper at our neighbours' house.

A charming elderly couple were also there. I was impressed by the way the elderly lady preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was out of the room I took the opportunity to lean over to the elderly lady and say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names."

The elderly lady hung her head. "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "His name slipped my mind about ten years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old arsehole what it is."

The Homebase store in Aylesford, just opposite the Waterloo and Hunter factories burned down last Saturday. Not much left except a pile of broken bricks and twisted girders. No more DIY for a month or two!

The next time you hear a politician use the word billion in a casual manner, think about whether you want the politicians spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend but let's put it into perspective:

• a billion seconds ago it was 1959,
• a billion minutes ago Jesus was alive,
• a billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age,
• a billion days ago nothing walked on the earth on two feet.
  

• a billion pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes ago at the rate our government is spending it.

Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

My love fer you is like diarrhoea - I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.

If you was a tree and I was a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

• Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
• Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK

• Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ' J' is where two roads meet?
• Contestant: Jool carriageway.
  

• Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
• Contestant: Bombay.
  

• Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
• Contestant: Crocodiles.
  

• Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels: (a) travelling entertainers or (b) chocolate salesmen?
• Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
  

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET

• Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
• Contestant: William Shakespeare.
  

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE

• Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
• Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
  

I was out walking around the village and noticed a lady sitting on her front step, so I walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said, "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On week-ends, I pop pills, and do not exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Twenty-four."