The Edmondson Blog

Thanks to everyone who voted. We had 43 votes; there were two convincing favourites: Family Fortunes (probably for the occasional ridiculous answers) and Going for Gold (probably for the cheesiness and blatant unfairness for being in English).

1. Family Fortunes 23%
2. Going for Gold 21%
3. The Krypton Factor 16%
4. Fifteen to One 12%
5. Deal or No Deal 7%
6=. Blockbusters 5%
6=. Blankety Blank 5%
8=. The Crystal Maze 2%
8=. Catch Phrase 2%
8=. Bullseye 2%
8=. The Price is Right 2%
8=. The Wheel of Fortune 2%
13=. Strike It Lucky 0%
13=. Play Your Cards Right 0%
13=. Gladiators 0%

This month, we're going to do favourite TV newsreaders, with TWO polls, one for male and the other for female newsreaders. Get voting!

The opening sequence featured NASA's 1967 footage of a real-life accident of the Northrop M2-F2 lifting body tumbling end for end down the runway caused by piloting error. The pilot, Bruce Peterson actually survived reasonably unscathed, although he lost an eye due to an infection acquired while in the hospital.

The opening credits actually used footage of two different lifting bodies; the HL-10, shown dropping away from its carry plane, and the M2-F2 shown in the unstable flight/crash sequence.

Now this looks like my kind of film. Out 4th July. Brings back great memories of childhood. You just know the toy companies are going to be cashing in. Apparently, as part of the promotion campaign for the film, the trailers show as little of the Transformers as possible. A lot of the robots have been left hidden to arouse interest in the film. They will not be seen in their full glory until the film release in July.

Spent the evening in Brighton last night. Went for a walk down the sea front to spend the family inheritance on the 2p machines on the pier. Great fun, except for the typhoon that blew me away getting there! Followed by some superb fish and chips.

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again asked, "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess ... Smallcox?"

Hat tip: Puppa (at last!)

A couple have been caught in the middle of a bit of how's your father on top of the Windmill Club in London. This is perfect Sun territory: the title sums it all up! As expected, the Sun get hold of the evidence.

Dinner on Thursday with George and Charlotte included boned chicken, stuffed with apple stuffing. An absolute delight.

I'm temporarily hosting the top images with Picasa, rather than Blogger, which somehow avoids the problems I was having. I reckon the new photo looks pretty sexy...

I've changed the top image to a photo of a fantastic sunset I took in Florida but for some reason it won't come up (though it will if you right click on the blue and select "view background image"). I'm working on it!

The things girls will do to go on a date with me.

Hat tip: Hom

I'm trying to avoid this situation.

With the bank holiday weekend fast approaching, I've bought myself Wario Ware: Smooth Moves for the Wii to occupy myself. This should help test out the three new controllers I bought in the States.

Was out for sushi with Sarah and Rehan this evening. We had the full spread and I'm now full of raw fish up to my eyeballs. It's worth the pain.

I've just uploaded the rest of my photos onto Flickr from Florida (see Myakka and Florida 2007 sets) and Bristol from last weekend.

Australian soaps launch careers. This explains why.

Hat tip: Roly

How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done.

With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

Click here and you will find out. The image may take a minute or two to download and when it appears slowly move your mouse over the light grey circle and you will see how the magic works.

Hat tip: George

I have no idea what these numbers mean but apparently they decode high-definition DVDs so you can copy them to your computer. Anyone know what the hell you're supposed to do with them?

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E4 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

At least the bump on the head will sober him up.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me bloggable content today. Please keep it coming!

You love being the school clown until you realise you've missed your breaktime and everyone else is outside playing conkers whilst you've got a hacksaw three inches from your face.

Hat tip: Buck

It's the details which make it so sweet.

Hat tip: Roly

If only I lived in Belgium...

The innocence of youth... I would've taken advantage as well.

Something to keep me occupied during those quiet moments

Hat tip: George

An illegal immigrant has appeared in court charged with running a brothel in Hoddesdon.

Chew Kok Hong, 25, is accused of operating one from his home address in St Cross Court, and Southmill Court, Bishop's Stortford. He faces a third offence related to money laundering.

He was remanded in custody by Stevenage magistrates last Saturday to reappear in court today (Friday, 18 May).

Hong is charged with keeping a brothel in Hoddesdon on or between April 1 and May 9 for the purposes of prostitution, doing the same at Bishop's Stortford on or between April 27 and May 9 and having the proceeds of criminal property, namely £930 cash, on him on May 9.

A brothel run by Chew Kok. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hat tip: Bella

I need your help. This blog is only as good as you make it. Send me any amusing pictures, emails or jokes. I will give you a hat tip, if you want!

I've always been fascinated in the comparison between Pet Sounds and Sgt. Pepper for the best album of all time. Personally, I prefer Sgt. Pepper, though I seem to be in the minority. In the Sunday Times today, there was a list of the top 10 best Beach Boys songs of all time. Anyone disagree?

1. God Only Knows
2. Surf's Up
3. Good Vibrations
4. In My Room
5. Wouldn't It Be Nice
6. California Girls
7. Heroes and Villains
8. Surfin' USA
9. Til I Die
10. Kiss Me, Baby (A Cappella)

I was reading the real news in the Sunday Sport over lunch today and stumbled across the biggest news of the last ten years: The World Dwarf Tossing Championships are taking place, for the first time in ten years, at The Boathouse, St. Helens, this Wednesday (23rd May) from 7pm onwards.

The rules:

1. Dwarves will be wearing special dwarf-tossing velcro suits and protective helmets
2. Throwers use two handles attached to the back of the dwarf suit to launch the little fellas into orbit
3. Dwarves will be tossed against a vertical velcro wall with the highest throw winning
4. Dwarves are only allowed to be tossed one at a time and the vertical velcro wall must be clear of the previous dwarf throw
5. Only bona fine dwarves may enter. Small children will be disqualified

I can't find the official website. Any help will be appreciated.

The beginning and end of the Internet. What do I do now?

I've recently heard a story of a strip-club owner who was taken to court for not having the right licence. In his defence, he said the club was actually a centre to help autistic children: the lights and poles were used as a form of therapy. A pretty original excuse! Has anyone heard this story to be true?

I spent the weekend in Bristol with Alex and Duncan, the first time I've been in the city since I sampled the local nightspots with my Brother ten years ago. Here we are posing in front of one of Isambard Kingdom Brunel's greatest works.

Well done Uncle "George" Buck for getting a letter printed in The Times.

From today's Guardian:

Arson, looting and fighting with riot police broke out among angry Argentinian commuters when rush hour train services from a Buenos Aires station were delayed last night.

Twelve police officers were injured by flying rocks, mostly with cuts and bruises to the head and chest, and nine people were treated for smoke inhalation, said Alberto Crescenti, a spokesman for emergency medical workers.

Police fired rubber bullets and teargas when rioters pelted them with rocks as the fighting at Constituçion station spilled out to the street. Angry passengers shattered windows, set fire to a ticket sales area, looted shops and ripped payphones from walls.

I'd love to see some of this at Charing Cross.

From Ananova:

A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a hedgehog on a witchdoctor's advice.

Zoran Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, says the witchdoctor told him it would cure his premature ejaculation.

But he ended up in an operating theatre after the hedgehog's needles left his penis severely lacerated.

A hospital spokesman said: "The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient came off much worse from the encounter. We have managed to repair the damage to his penis."

A witchdoctor in Serbia? A hedgehog as a cure? You're having a laugh!

From The Sun:

A cop pleasured himself in the back of a police car alongside a female prisoner he fancied, a jury heard yesterday.

PC Richard Bowen, 31, allegedly tried to chat her up with a series of explicit notes because he didn’t want to alert their WPC driver.

When the 25-year-old snubbed him he told her she aroused him and quietly pleasured himself TWICE as they drove along a motorway, it is claimed.

The suspect made a formal complaint against Bowen when they arrived at the Dyfed-Powys police station.

Tests later found forensic evidence in the car and on PC Bowen’s handkerchief.

I love how "forensic tests" were carried out. I wonder whether they were looking for blood, hair or something else...

Hat tip: George

Hat tip: Jools

There are only a few situations in life where you mix with people from all walks of life: the cinema, theme parks and airports are about the only times I can think of. I've just flown back from Orlando and had a wide selection of Britons on my flight. I didn't like what I saw: a lot of tattoos, football shirts, men wearing pedal pushers and ankle socks, leathery skin, bags full of duty free Lambert & Butlers.

Oh dear.

A while back, I blogged about my last meal if I was ever on death row. I am going to add a pretzel from the Pretzel Twister to that list.

James on Montu

Like a first kiss, the anticipation was overwhelming. After an early start and fuel stop at Peach's, Claire and I made our way up to Tampa, arriving at Busch Gardens to be teased by Montu, peering over the perimeter fence. Handing over our empty Pepsi can, we got $10 off each ticket, leaving a whole day's entertainment for the unbelievably generous price of $51. Inside the park, we warmed up with a ride on Gwazi, a classic wooden coaster with two parallel tracks. The cobwebs were instantly removed, memories of the 2005 Coaster Tour came flooding back and I was ready to deal with the other three world class coasters in the park: Kumba, Montu and the brand new Sheikra.

Heading to the north of the park to experience Kumba, I saw first hand the obesity epidemic sweeping America and noted the shear number of "larger guests" gracing the park; with their decreased mobility, there was no chance of riding - I hope they received discounted entry. Kumba seemed one of the original standing coasters which were introduced worldwide in the early 1990s. It's a good example of the genre, though 21st century coaster developments have made Kumba slightly tired looking.

We traversed the park many times, taking in some of the impressive zoo exhibits, including an interactive aviary, "Rhino Rally" and alligator reserve. The main event was finally upon us: Montu, one of the most comprehensive coasters I have ever experienced. Most rides have one or two headlines - a loop or 90 degree drop for example - but Montu is action from start to finish. The number of turns, twists and loops exert various forces on your body, leaving even the most accomplished rider all shook up. Montu delivers.

Sheikra was closed most of the day, though we managed to get two rides later on in our visit. Sheikra is the first 8-person wide coaster I have experienced and is one of the most original. After a very steep climb, you are presented with a 90 degree drop, at the top of which you hang before being dropped suddenly towards the ground. A superb experience. Some unique features, including riding through a trough of water, make Sheikra a very impressive addition to the park.

We chose to spend the day at Busch Gardens on a Tuesday, which turned out to be a great idea: the park was pretty much empty, with only minimal queuing around lunchtime. I suggest an early start or arriving after 4pm then taking the offered chance to come back gratis the next day and avoid potential queues.

Overall, a superb day out, which induced an amount of nausea and reminded me why coasting should really be an Olympic sport.

Useful Top Tips:

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your Cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Hat tip: George

For those of you who are missing your regular injection of Edmondson, I've put all my best piccies from Florida online. Check out the collection here.

I'll be writing a full debrief of Busch Gardens after breakfast. For now, check out the photo of me in front of Montu, which has secured its place in my personal top 10 of all time. Kumba, Gwazi and the awesome Sheikra are all worth honourable mentions.

I'm off to Busch Gardens tomorrow to experience some of the South East's best roller coasters. This is the first time since the monumental Roller Coaster Tour of 2005 that I have taken in a US roller-coaster based theme park. With rides like Gwazi, Montu and Kumba lined up, my inter-butt cheek area is moist with anticipation.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY: I went bowling earlier and got my first ever "four bagger" - four strikes in a row. It wasn't until the screen started flashing that I knew what four strikes was called (as everyone knows, three strikes is a turkey). This is why I'm known as a trained athlete.

Went to see the new Spiderman film at the cinema last night. Despite the awesome special effects, I felt the film was developed around an intended message ("always do your best") rather than the other way around. It all felt a bit contrived. A solid 7 out of 10.

On Saturday night, we all headed up to the Desoto Super Speedway to mix with the locals and watch some good ol' fashioned stock car racing. I felt naked without my mullet and Nascar T-shirt. I was astounded to see a race for 12 to 17 year olds, remembering I couldn't even start a car engine at 17.

Mark and Hannah flew down to Tampa on Friday evening for a weekend in the sun. We planned the usual fun - beach, burgers, BBQ. In the photo, Claire and I are waiting for the Braziers at the airport, rekindling the memories of the intense Connect 4 games Mark and I used to play in September 1997.

A gang stripped a South African man before supergluing him to an exercise bicycle while they ransacked his house, according to a report Thursday.

If he was glued to the saddle, I pity him trying to unstick himself.

A very constructive way to spend spare time.

After eight years of hanging on the garage wall, I wiped down the BMX, pumped up the tyres and headed out on the roads round The Meadows. The American BMXs allow you to break by pedalling backwards, allowing 10 foot skids!

Took the day off from the beach today and headed out on a boat down the Intercoastal Waterway past Longboat Key and Anna Maria Island for a crab claw lunch. Had the privilege of spotting a whole family of dolphins frolicking in the water.

After a decidedly average flight with Virgin, I have arrived in Sarasota (scene of Pee Wee Herman's infamous arrest and location of George W. Bush as he heard about 9/11) for a well-deserved two week break. I'm doing a lot of people watching, getting a deeper understanding of the country's obesity epidemic, whilst doing my best to join that growing throng by eating large cuts of cow and weak American lager. I'm obviously taking advantage of the $2 exchange rate and have already dealt in both Banana Republic and my Uncle Ralph.