The Edmondson Blog

Forty things you would love to say at work.

• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Fuck off, fatso.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• Ahhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid!
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I, flypaper for freaks!?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be?
• Do I look like a people person?
• This isn't an office; it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started with nothing and still have most of it left.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door no.1?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• I thought I wanted a career - turns out I just wanted payslips.
• Sure, you came up with that idea.
• I'd love to help you, but its 5:00 PM.

A vicar stays in a city hotel and manages to seduce the young maid. The maid objects at first but the vicar says, "It's alright, my child, it's written in the Bible."

After a night of passion the maid wakes up and wonders where in the bible it says it's alright for a vicar to sleep with hotel staff. To answer her question the vicar picks up the Gideon Bible on the bedside table and shows her the inside front cover. There, someone had written in pencil the words, "The maid is up for it!"

- - - - - - - - -

666: the number of The Beast.
668: the neighbour of The Beast.

- - - - - - - - -

God's telephone number: JERemiah 33:3 - Call to me, and I will answer you.

- - - - - - - - -

Our rector was walking down our road when he saw a little boy trying to press a door bell of a neighbour. Unfortunately, the boy was very small and the door bell too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts, the rector walked over and gave the door bell a good, solid ring. Crouching down to the boy's level ,the rector said, "And now what, my little man?" The boy replied, "Run like hell!"

- - - - - - - - -

The Pope calls all his cardinals together and tells them, "I have some very good news and some very bad news." The cardinals wanted to hear the very good news first. "Jesus Christ has returned to the world in all his glory." After the joyous uproar subsides, the Pope continues, "The very bad news is that he was calling from Salt Lake City."

Celebrities seem to enjoy calling their children by strange names. Here is a selection:

Aanisah: Macy Gray (also mother to Tahmel)
Apple: Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow
Astrella Celeste and Oriole Nebula: Donovan and Linda Lawrence
Audio Science: Shannyn Sossamon
Aurelius Cy: Elle Macpherson and Arpad Busson
Blue Angel: U2's The Edge and Aislinn O'Sullivan
Bluebell Madonna: Geri Halliwell
Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz: David and Victoria Beckham
Calico and Sonora Rose: Alice and Sheryl Cooper
Destry: Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw
Fifi Trixibell, Peaches and Pixie: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates
Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily: Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence
Fuchsia: Sting and Frances Tomelty
Hopper: Sean Penn and Robin Wright
Ireland: Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger
Jaz: Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi
Jazz Domino: Joe Strummer
Jermajesty: Jermaine Jackson and Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza ( who incidentally was previously married to Jermaine's brother Randy)
Kal-El Coppola: Nicholas Cage (Kal-El is Superman’s original birth name)
Lark Song: Mia Farrow and André Previn
Lennon: Liam Gallagher and Patsy Kensit
Memphis Eve: Bono
Moon Unit, Dweezil and Diva Muffin: Frank Zappa
Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo: Jamie and Jules Oliver
Rufus Tiger, Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy: Roger Taylor
Saffron Sahara, Amber Rose and Tallulah Pine: Simon and Yasmin Le Bon
Sage Moonblood and Seargeoh: Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack
Shiloh Nouvel: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Tallulah, Scout and Rumer: Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
Willow Camille Reign: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith
Zola Ivy: Eddie Murphy and Nicole Mitchell

In 1959 Pete Seeger’s publisher wrote to him complaining about all the protest songs that were popular at the time and asked him to write something more “conventional”. Seeger was put out by the publisher’s request, but he had been working on adapting Chapter 3 of the Book Of Ecclesiastes from the King James version of the bible. Ecclesiastes is traditionally ascribed to King Solomon.

1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Seeger added two lines, “Turn! Turn! Turn!” to give the idea that ideas and opportunities are always changing, and “I swear it’s not to late” at the end to complete it as a peace anthem. Aprt from those two additions, the lyrics are entirely biblical. Although he completed the music and the adaption that year, it was not until 1962 that Seeger personally recorded it.

In 1963 Roger McGuinn of The Byrds arranged the song for the folk singer Judy Collins. During The Byrds 1965 tour, McGuinn’s future wife, Dolores, requested the tune on the Byrds’ tour bus. The rendition that McGuinn dutifully played came out sounding, not like a folk song, but more like a rock/folk hybrid, perfectly in keeping with The Byrds’ then current immersion in the folk-rock genre. McGuinn explained "It was a standard folk song by that time, but I played it and it came out rock ‘n’ roll because that’s what I was programmed to do like a computer. I couldn’t do it as it was traditionally. It came out with that samba beat, and we thought it would make a good single."

The Byrd's version reached the top of the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 listing and number 26 in the United Kingdom.

Lyrical credit for this hit therefore must go to King Solomon, making it the hit with the oldest lyrics.

In Zimbabwe you will find the magnificent Victoria Falls with a height of 128 metres (420 feet). At the very edge of the top of the falls is the location is known as The Devil's Swimming Pool.

During the months of September and December, people can swim right up to the edge of the falls without falling over!

Victoria Falls are becoming well known amongst the radical tourist industry as more and more people search for the ultimate experience.

And so the old generation slips away from us.

Auntie Nor passed away on Tuesday just gone. She was born 16th February 1916, so was 93 years old.

President Mugabe is to be deported back to the UK after it was found that he is a Yorkshire man incognito; it appears that he had changed his name by spelling it backwards.

His real Yorkshire name Ebagum.

What common English word is nine letters long and each time you remove a letter it still remains an English word, from nine letters all the way down to a single letter?

• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or chemist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in getting your arse kicked.

Three parrots are for sale.

They cost £200, £100 and £75.

A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.

When she gets home the parrot says, "F**k me a new brothel!"

The woman laughs.

Her two daughters come home, the parrot says "F**k me new prossies!"

The girls laugh.

The husband come home and the parrot says "F**k me Keith, I haven't seen you for weeks".

Spoken:
'Twas in the year of 'thirty-nine when the sky was full of lead,
When Hitler was heading for Poland, and Paddy for Holyhead.
Come all you pincher laddies and you long-distance men,
Don't ever work for McAlpine, for Wimpey, or John Laing.

You'll stand behind a mixer until your skin is turned to tan
And they'll say, Good on you, Paddy, with your boat fare in your hand.
Oh, the craic was good in Cricklewood and they wouldn't leave the Crown
With glasses flying and Biddys crying 'cause Paddy was going to town.

Oh mother dear, I'm over here and I'm never coming back.
What keeps me here is the reek o' beer, the ladies and the craic.
I come from County Kerry, the land of eggs and bacon
And if you think I'll eat your fish and chips, oh dear, then you're mistaken...

Break out singing:
Oh, as down the glen came McAlpine's men
With their shovels slung behind them.
T'was in the pub that they drank their sub
Or down in the spike you'll find them
They sweated blood and we washed down mud
With quarts and pints of beer
But now we're on the road again with McAlpine's Fusiliers.

I stripped to the skin with Darky Finn
Way down upon the Isle of Grain.
With Horseface Toole I Knew the rule
No money if you stop for rain.
For McAlpine's god is a well filled hod
Your shoulders cut to bits and seared
And woe to he who looks for tea with McAlpine's Fusiliers.

I remember the day that the Bear O'Shea
Fell into a concrete stairs.
What Horseface said, when he saw him dead,
Well it wasn't what the rich call prayers:
"I'm a navvy short," was his one retort
That reached unto my ears.
When the going is rough, well you must be tough, with McAlpine's Fusiliers.

I've worked till the sweat near had me bet
With Russian, Czech and Pole
At shuttering jams up in the Hydro Dams
or underneath the Thames in a hole.
I grafted hard and I got me cards
and many a ganger's fist across me ears.
If you pride your life, don't join, by Christ, with McAlpine's Fusiliers!

Glenda Jackson has the face to launch a thousand dredgers.

Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses.

Let's face it. Elizabeth Taylor's last marriage was all aobut selling perfume becasue it's hard to sell perfume when you're a fat old spinster.

Mrs. Thatcher is doing for monetarism what the Boston Strangler did for door-to-door salesmen.

Andrew Lloyd Webber has done for music what Bomber Harris did for landscape gardening.

Of Lord Rosebery: A man who never missed an occasion to let slip an opportunity.

Of the composer Dame Ethel Smyth: She would be like Richard Wagner if only she looked a bit more feminine.

Of Ricard Wagner: I like Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to satick to the pane with its claws.

Of Richard Wagner (again): I like his music, better than any other. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without people hearing what onecsays. That is a great advantge.

Of Oscar Wilde: He festooned the dung heap on which he had placed himself wityh saonnets as people grow honeysuckle around outdoor privies.

Stan and his wife Doris went to the Biggin Hill Air Show every year, and every year Stan would say to Doris, "Doris, I'd like to ride in that helicopter..."

Doris always replied, "I know Stan, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."

This year Stan and Doris went to the Air Fair again and Stan said, "Doris, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Doris replied, "Stan, that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty quid."

Stan and Doris agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stan and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Stan replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Doris fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid!"

On August 17, 1896 Bridget Driscoll, age 44 or 45, became the world's first person to be killed in a car accident. As she and her teenage daughter, May, (and possibly one other person) crossed the grounds of the Crystal Palace, an automobile belonging to the Anglo-French Motor Car Company and being used to give demonstration rides struck her at a speed witnesses described as, "A reckless pace, in fact, like a fire engine."

The driver was Arthur James Edsall of Upper Norwood who claimed that he had only been doing 4 mph and that he had rung his bell as a warning. His passenger, Alice Standing of Forest Hill, alleged he modified the engine to allow the car to go faster although another cabbie analyzed the car and said it was incapable of passing 4½ mph because of a low-speed belt.

The jury returned a verdict of "accidental death" after an inquest lasting some six hours. The coroner Percy Morrison said he hoped, "Such a thing would never happen again." No prosecution was made.

The first driver/passenger road deaths occurred on 25 February 1899, 922 days after Bridget Driscoll's death.

A 6 HP Daimler, driven by 31-year-old engineer Edwin Sewell, crashed on Grove Hill, a steeply graded road on the northern slope of Harrow on the Hill, Middlesex. A rear wheel collapsed after breaking its rim and the car hit a sturdy brick wall. Sewell was killed immediately when he and his passenger, a Major Richer, were thrown from the vehicle. Richer died three days later in hospital.

The spot is now marked with a commemorative plaque.

He had delusions of adequacy.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.

Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts, for support rather than illumination.

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Dirty Old Town by The Pogues

I met my love by the gas works wall;
Dreamed a dream by the old canal;
I kissed my girl by the factory wall.

Dirty old town,
Dirty old town.

Clouds are drifting across the moon;
Cats are prowling on their beat;
Spring's a girl from the streets at night.

Dirty old town,
Dirty old town.

I heard a siren from the docks;
Saw a train set the night on fire;
I smelled the spring on the smoky wind.

Dirty old town,
Dirty old town.

I'm going to make me a good sharp axe;
Shining steel tempered in the fire;
I'll chop you down like an old dead tree.

Dirty old town,
Dirty old town.

I met my love by the gas works wall;
Dreamed a dream by the old canal;
I kissed my girl by the factory wall.

Dirty old town,
Dirty old town,
Dirty old town,
Dirty old town.

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited

Sinseerly,

Peggy Bracket

PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low

Dear Peggy

Please start on Monday. Don't worry, our computer has a spell check program.

Regards

Rick
x

A man went to the hospital in Joondalup, Washington, USA, to have his wedding ring cut off his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his trouser pocket. She didn't know he was married and was so angry that she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring onto his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1. Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis..... OR...
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Hmmm. Tough call. You decide.

Thursday.

Dear James,

The other day I had lunch with two of my younger unmarried friends from the Women's Institute.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for over 50 years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra and bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days later to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend said that when her fiance came over and found her wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask, he said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then they made love all night long.

My mistress friend reported that when she met her lover at his office, she was wearing the leather bra and bodice under her overcoat along with her high heels. As her lover's PA left the room, she slipped on the mask, and opened the overcoat. He didn't say aword, but they had wild sex all night.

I then told my story:

I was wearing the leather bra and bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as Uncle Max came in the door and saw me he said...

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

He should be out by the weekend.

Much love

Aunt La La

Because business was very poor, the old man that runs our local petrol station put a sign up in the window saying Free sex with every purchase.

Last week I drove in, bought some petrol and then asked, "Can I have my free sex now, please?"

The old man said, "Pick a number between 1 and 10 and if I'm thinking that number you'll get your free sex."

So I thought for a while and told him, "Seven."

The old man replied, "Sorry I was thinking 'Six'."

Yesterday I was with one of my mates and went into the petrol station for some more petrol. Again I asked, "Can I get my free sex, please?"

Again, the old man replied, "Pick a number between 1 and 10 and if I'm thinking that number you'll get your sex."

I said "Three" and the old man replied, "Sorry, I was thinking 'two'."

When I got back in the car with my mate, I said to him, "Y'know, I think that's just a big scam to make us buy petrol, he's not going to give us free sex."

My mate replied, "Oh, no, it's a real offer - my wife won twice last week!"

Jill Peterson and Kevin Heinz met when Kevin’s childhood friend, Jeff, married Jill’s college friend, Ann, in 2005. They were both in the wedding party. Jill could not resist Kevin’s wit and charm. Kevin could not resist Jill’s intellect, nor her remarkable dance moves.

"We have been through a lot in life, but have come through each experience stronger and more in love with each other. Our experience since we posted the video has been incredible. We would never have expected this response to our wedding entrance in a million years.

"We hope to direct this positivity to a good cause. Due to the circumstances surrounding the song in our wedding video, we have chosen the Sheila Wellstone Institute.

"Sheila Wellstone was an advocate, organizer, and national champion in the effort to end domestic violence in our communities.

"We are so grateful for all the love, kind words, and joy that have been shared with us from around the world. It has moved us deeply and filled our hearts.

"If you would like to contact us, email jkweddinginfo@gmail.com"

The video, originally meant for just friends and family, has created a frenzy on the web with 12 million views and 50,000 comments.