The Edmondson Blog

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Those people who consider themselves experts on such matters, define a magic negro as a supporting, often mystical stock character in fiction who, by use of special insight or powers, helps the white protagonist get out of trouble. He is patient and wise, often dispensing various words of wisdom. The word negro, now considered to be archaic and offensive, is used intentionally to suggest that the archetype is a racist throwback, an update of the Sambo and savage other stereotypes.

The magic negro serves as a plot device to help the protagonist get out of trouble, typically through helping the white character recognize his own faults and overcome them. Although he has magical powers, his magic is ostensibly directed toward helping and enlightening a white male character. It is this feature of the magic negro that some people find most troubling. Although from a certain perspective the character may seem to be showing blacks in a positive light, he is still ultimately subordinate to whites. He is also regarded as an exception, allowing white folk to like individual black people but not black culture.

Examples of magic negroes include:

• Sidney Poitier in the films The Defiant Ones, To Sir, With Love, Lilies of the Field and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
• Michael Clarke Duncan as John Coffey in The Green Mile.
• Bill Cobbs as Moses the Clock Man in The Hudsucker Proxy.
• Morgan Freeman as Ellis Boyd 'Red' Redding in the The Shawshank Redemption.
• Morgan Freeman as God in the films Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty.
• Morgan Freeman as Eddie "Scrap Iron" Dupris in Million Dollar Baby.
• Gloria Foster and Mary Alice as Oracle in The Matrix trilogy.
• Laurence Fishburne as Morpheus in The Matrix trilogy.

(This is one of the most watched videos ever - over 48 million viewings.)

Today is the 100th anniversary of the death of that well known Englishman, Thomas P. Crapper (baptised 28 September 1836 - died 27 January 1910).

He was the plumber who founded Thomas Crapper & Co. Limited, the sanitaryware company. Contrary to widespread misconceptions, Mr Crapper did not invent the flushing W.C. nor was his name shortened for vulgar use, although, interestingly, etymologists attest that the Amercian word crapper, meaning the W.C. is directly from his name.

He relentlessly promoted sanitary fittings to a somewhat dirty and sceptical world. Indeed, he invented the bathroom showroom and displayed his wares behind large plate glass windows. This caused quite a stir and it is said that ladies observing the china bowls in the windows became faint at this shocking sight.

Mr. Crapper's inventiveness was well known. One less successful invention was a spring-loaded loo seat which, as the encumbent arose, leapt up pulling rods which automatically flushed the cistern. Unfortunately, over time, the rubber buffers on the underside of the seat would begin to perish, and became sticky. This caused the seat to remain down, attached to the loo pan for a few seconds as the user got to his feet. Seconds later the seat, under stress from the powerful springs, would free itself and sweep violently upwards - striking the unfortunate Victorian on the bare bottom. The device became popularly known as the Bottom Slapper. It was not a commercial triumph.

The last Horseman of the Apocalypse is Death. (The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are Conquest, Slaughter, Famine and Death.)

The Beatles' last concert was at Candlestick Park, San Francisco, on 29 August 1966. The last song they played was Long Tall Sally.

In 1921 John William Gott was the last person imprisoned for blasphemy in Britain.

The Beatles recorded their last song together, I Me Mine, in 1970.

The last song that Elvis ever performed publicly was Bridge Over Troubled Water, at his last concert in Indianapolis, in June 1977.

George Washington died on the last hour of the last day of the last week of the last month of the last year of the 18th century.

The last dodo died in 1681.

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang's my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Then, horn for horn,
they stretch an' strive:
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve,
Are bent lyke drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
"Bethankit!" 'hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi' perfect sconner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him ower his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro' bloody flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread.
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll mak it whissle;
An' legs an' arms, an' heads will sned,
Like taps o' thrissle.

Ye Pow'rs wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o' fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer,
Gie her a haggis!

Fair is your honest happy face,
Great chieftain of the pudding race,
Above them all you take your place.
Stomach, tripe or guts,
Well are you worthy of a grace,
As long as my arm.

The groaning platter there you fill,
Your buttocks like a distant hill,
Your skewer would help to repair a mill,
In time of need,
While through your pores the juices emerge,
Like amber beads.

His knife having seen hard labour wipes
And cuts you up with great skill,
Digging into your gushing insides bright,
Like any ditch,
And then oh what a glorious sight,
Warm steaming, rich.

Then spoon for spoon,
They stretch and strive,
Devil take the last man, on they drive
Until all their well swollen bellies
Are bent like drums.
Then, the old gent most likely to rift (burp)
Be thanked, mumbles.

Is there that over his French Ragout
Or olio that would sicken a pig
Or fricassee would make her vomit
With perfect disgust
Looks down with a sneering scornful opinion
On such a dinner.

Poor devil, see him over his trash
As week as a withered rush (reed)
His spindle-shank a good whiplash
His clenched fist.the size of a nut.
Through a bloody flood and battle field to dash
Oh how unfit.

But take note of the strong haggis fed Scot
The trembling earth resounds his tread
Clasped in his large fist a blade
He'll make it whistle
And legs and arms and heads he will cut off
Like the tops of thistles.

You powers who make mankind your care
And dish them out their meals,
Old Scotland wants no watery food
That splashes in dishes
But if you wish her grateful prayer
Give her a haggis!

"What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
"A Bongaloo, Son," said I,
"Is a tall bag of cheese
"Plus a Chinaman's knees
"And the leg of a nanny goat's eye."

"How strange is a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
"As strange as strange," I replied.
"When the sun's in the West
"It appears in a vest
"Sailing out with the noonday tide."

"What shape is a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
"The shape, my Son, I'll explain:
"It's tall round the nose
"Which continually grows
In the general direction of Spain."

"Are you sure there's a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
"Am I sure, my Son?" said I.
"Why, I've seen it, not quite
"On a dark sunny night
"Do you think that I'd tell you a lie?"

On Wednesday 30th December 2009, an attempt was made to blow up the double towers of a 22 storey apartment block in the city of Liuzhou in southern China.

The western tower was successfully demolished but the eastern tower remained obstinately standing at a precarious angle.

The eastern tower was brought to the ground on the 8th January 2010 by breaking away the lower part of the structure and allowing it to collapse.

Brunner, Mond & Co's factory in Silvertown in the East End of London originally produced soda crystals and caustic soda but production of caustic soda ceased in 1912, which left part of the factory idle. A year into the Great War, the Army was facing a crippling shell shortage so the War Office decided to use the surplus manufacturing capacity of the factory to produce Trinitrotoluene (TNT).

The factory was in a highly populated area, but this was obviously not the prime concern for the military authorities. Silvertown was beyond the part of London governed by the then planning regulations. As a result, many factories were established there to process dangerous and unpleasant products such as caustic soda, sulphuric acid, manure, creosote and petroleum. Between the docks, railway lines and industrial premises, workers lived in rows of small densely packed terrace houses.

Despite opposition from the company itself, production of TNT began in September 1915. The method used was invented by the Brunner, Mond & Co. chief scientist who believed the process to be manifestly very dangerous.

During the day on Friday 19th January 1917, a fire broke out in the factory. At 6.52 pm over 50 tonnes of TNT exploded.

The factory was destroyed instantly, as were many nearby buildings, including the Silvertown Fire Station. Debris was strewn for miles around, with red-hot chunks of rubble causing fires. A gasometer over a mile away was destroyed creating a fireball from over 7 million cubic feet of gas.

Seventy-three people were killed and over 400 injured. Up to 70,000 properties were damaged with 900 nearby ones destroyed or unsalvageably damaged. The comparatively low death toll for such a large blast was due to the time of day. The factories were largely empty of workers, but it was too early for the upper floors of houses (which sustained the worst of the flying debris damage) to be heavily populated.

The explosion also blew the glass out of windows in the Savoy Hotel, over six miles away, and almost overturned a taxi in Pall Mall, London. The fires could be seen in Maidstone and Guildford, and the blast was heard up to 100 miles away, including Sandringham in Norfolk and along the Sussex coast.
.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Is there anything worn under my kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

Miep Gies died aged 100 on 11th January 2010. She was one of the Dutch citizens who hid Anne Frank and her family from the Nazis during the Second World War. It was Miep who discovered and preserved Anne's diary after the Franks were arrested.

Miep was born Hermine Santrouschitz in Vienna in 1909 but was sent to Holland age 10 to escape the food shortages prevailing in Austria after the Great War. In 1933, she met the Jewish Otto Frank when she applied for the post of temporary secretary in his spice company, Opekta. She became a close friend of him and his family, as did Jan Gies, whom she married in 1941.

With her husband, and some other work colleagues, Miep helped hide Otto Frank and his family in a secret upstairs room in the company's office building in Amsterdam from July 1942.

The Franks were betrayed by an unknown informant and arrested on 4th August 1944. All except Otto perished in ther Holocaust.

Miep retrieved Anne Frank's diaries and saved them in her desk drawer for Anne's return. At the time Miep did not read the diaries and later remarked that if she had she would have had to destroy them because Anne had named all five of the helpers (the Gestapo had identified and arrested two) as well as their black market suppliers.

Once the war was over and it was confirmed that Anne had perished in Bergen-Belsen, Miep gave the collection of papers and notebooks to Otto. After transcribing sections for his family, Anne's literary ability became apparent and he arranged for the diary's publication in 1947.

ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes Man the Rail there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 45 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

• Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refuelling.
• Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years.
• Carries over 80 combat aircraft.
• Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400ft.
• Towers 20 stories above the waterline.
• 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall.
• Flight deck covers 4.5 acres.
• Four bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds.
• Two rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons.
• Four high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 sq ft capacity.
• Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel.
• Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days.
• 18,150 meals served daily.
• Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for
• 2,000 homes.
• Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones.
• 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets.
• Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation.
• Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (sailor's salaries included).

The Royal Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today. The HMS Gordon Brown set sail today from its home port of Skegness.

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to Prime Minister Brown for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while Prime Minister.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminium and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

The 20 person crew is completely diversified, including members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation. This crew, like the crew aboard the Severn Ferry, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of Britain at all costs.

An on-board Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find Britain offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defence, but instead in times of conflict, the HMS Gordon Brown has orders to seek refuge in Blackpool.

The ship may be positioned near the Labour Party Headquarters for photo-oportunities.

Well, it was exactly one year ago today that T-Mobile organised their dance on Liverpool Street Station.

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, there is a trend for flash mobs - groups of hundreds or even thousands of people - who will turn up at a pre-organised location and either suddenly freeze or suddenly go about some pre-arranged action. Here are a few of examples.



And of course, the T-Mobile Dance at Liverpool Street Station.

We all know about the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Dating back to 1173 and even intially meant to be a perfectly vertical structure, the tower is today a curious attraction due to its high leaning at about 4 degrees. How this happened? As Wikipedia says: “The tower began to sink after construction had progressed to the third floor in 1178. This was due to a mere three-meter foundation, set in weak, unstable subsoil, a design that was flawed from the beginning.”

The well known Italian tower, although one controversial building, as you’ll see, it’s not the only one of such kind… some other towers around the world stand almost as if ready to fall.

The leaning tower in Torun, Poland (above) – obviously smaller than the one in Pisa, this tower is a simple Roman tower that started to lean immediately after its construction due to the instable ground on which it had been erected.

The tower of the church in Suurhusen, a village in the German region of East Frisia, is a reminiscent of the old 15th century fortress churches and it’s tower is said to be the most lop-sided building in the world, beating the Tower of Pisa by 1.22 degrees.

This tower in Liuzhou, in south China’s Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region is a bell tower in a residential area in Liuzhou. The demolition of the tower earlier failed and made it lean.

This tower in Inwa, Myanmar, is a 90 feet tall masonry watch tower completely shattered in 1838 by an earthquake, but remains to this day at a very precarious looking angle.


Burano is a collection of islands linked by bridges and divided by canals, located approximately 9km to the north-east of Venice. The island's most notable landmark is the leaning tower of the San Martino church.

A couple who divorced after 20 years together were remarried six weeks later.

Jan and Lee Jones had their 10 children at the ceremony held on Christmas Eve in Southend-on-Sea, Essex.

Mrs Jones, 44, said: "We separated because of the usual things which cause problems, like finance and other issues which put pressure on any relationship. But we simply decided we couldn't live apart."

The bride and her husband, 41, met in April 1989 and were married in July 1990. She had a son James, now 23, from a previous marriage, but the couple had their first child together Lee, now 18, in January 1991. After that came Paul, 17, Stephen, 13, Hannah, nine, Amy, seven, Ella, five, Emily, three, George, two, and Callum, one.

Mr and Mr Jones decided to separate in January 2009, but maintained good relations for the sake of the children and when their divorce was finalised in November they started to have second thoughts.

The couple started talking about the future and realised they did not want to be apart. Mr Jones said: "It felt like we were not just throwing away 20 years together, we had grown up together."

A typing error by bank staff in Barnet caused much hilarity among customers yesterday. The Halifax in High Road closed at 3pm to allow staff to avoid the worst of the snow, and a sign was placed in the window, "Due to severe weather conditions we are closed. Sorry for any incontinence caused."

An illegal immigrant in Polk County, Florida, who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up shooting dead the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

A state wide manhunt ensued and the murderer was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.

After he shot at them, SWAT team officers openned fire and hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they shot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel, "Because that's all the bullets we had."

The classic song from the Disney cartoon Dumbo.

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the Clitaurus.

It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

The relative severity of various profanities, as perceived by the British public, was studied on behalf of the broadcasting industry and the results published in 2000 in a paper called Delete Expletives.

Listed below are the worst 20 profanities in order of decreasing severity, with the percentage of respondents who considered the profanity to be very severe or fairly severe. Only about 4% thought the c-word was mild or not swearing, while 69% thought bugger was mild or not swearing.

The c-word 96%
M*th*rf*ck*r 94% (see note 1 below)
The f-word 93%
Wanker 74%
Nigger 68%
Bastard 66%
Prick 62%
Paki 60%
Whore 59%
Bollocks 57%
Arsehole 56%
Spastic 56% (see note 2 below)
Shag 55%
Twat 53%
Piss off 50%
Slag 50%
Shit 42%
Dickhead 42%
Arse 31%
Bugger 31%

Note 1

The original meaning of this term was in referring to invading soldiers who had sex for some trivial payment with local mothers who only agree out of their desperate need to look after their children. The mothers don't want to have sex, but the alternative is watching their children go hungry. Coupled to this is the implication that the men are incapable of seducing non-desperate women.

Note 2

One of the most interesting of the profanities is spastic. It was until fairly recently considered a normal word describing cerebal palsy and even used in the name of the associated charity, The Spastics Society. Using spastic in a derogatory way grew considerably in the 1980s. This is sometimes attributed to the children's show Blue Peter. During 1981, the International Year of Disabled Persons, several episodes featured a man with cerebral palsy, and spastic became a popular insult amongst children at that time.

The word then gradually dropped out of common usage as the majority of British society came to regard it as offensive and politically incorrect. Even The Spastics Society changed its name to Scope in 1994. In contrast, spastic currently remains completely inoffensive in many other English speaking countries. Occasionally the word is used to mean clumsy in American and Australian films and television prorammes.

The plants in order of distance from the Sun: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto: My Very Easy Method: Just Set Up Nine Planets.

The order of colours in the rainbow: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet: Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain.

The four oceans: Indian, Arctic, Atlantic, Pacific: I Am A Person.

The Great Lakes: Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior: HOMES.

For the Great Lakes in order of size: Superior, Huron, Michigan, Erie, Ontario: Sam's Horse Must Eat Oats.

The order of notes on the lines of the treble clef stave: EGBDF: Every Good Boy Deserves Favour.

And the order of the notes in between: FACE

The order of sharps in music: FCGDAEB: Father Charles Goes Down And Ends Battle.

The order of notes to which guitar strings should be tuned: EBGDAE: Easter Bunnies Get Drunk At Easter.

In 2004, to mark its 70th anniversary, the British Council asked 7,000 people in 46 countries what they considered to be the most beautiful words in the English language. There was also an online poll that attracted over 35,000 votes. Here are the top 20:

1. Mother
2. Passion
3. Smile
4. Love
5. Eternity
6. Fantastic
7. Destiny
8. Freedom
9. Liberty
10. Tranquillity
11. Peace
12. Blossom
13. Sunshine
14. Sweetrheart
15. Gorgeous
16. Cherish
17. Enthusiasm
18. Hope
19. Grace
20. Rainbow

This video shows the winner of Ukraine’s Got Talent, Kseniya Simonova, 24, drawing a series of pictures on an illuminated sand table showing how ordinary people were affected by the German invasion during the Second World War. Her talent, which admittedly is a strange one, is mesmeric to watch.

The images, projected onto a large screen, moved many in the audience to tears and she won the top prize of about £75,000.

She begins by creating a scene showing a couple sitting holding hands on a bench under a starry sky, but then warplanes appear and the happy scene is obliterated.

It is replaced by a woman’s face crying, but then a baby arrives and the woman smiles again. Once again war returns and Miss Simonova throws the sand into chaos from which a young woman’s face appears.

She quickly becomes an old widow, her face wrinkled and sad, before the image turns into a monument to an Unknown Soldier.

This outdoor scene becomes framed by a window as if the viewer is looking out on the monument from within a house.

In the final scene, a mother and child appear inside and a man standing outside, with his hands pressed against the glass, saying goodbye.

The Great Patriotic War, as it is called in Ukraine , resulted in one in four of the population being killed with eight to 11 million deaths out of a population of 42 million.

Kseniya Simonova says, "I find it difficult enough to create art using paper and pencils or paintbrushes, but using sand and fingers is beyond me. The art, especially when the war is used as the subject matter, even brings some audience members to tears. And there’s surely no bigger compliment."

As all of us sophisticated people know, although commonly mispronounced "mō-way and shon-don", the correct pronunciation is "mo-wett". Although Claude Moët was born in France in 1683, the surname is actually of Dutch origin, which results in the pronunciation being uncharacteristic of the French language. (In normal French pronunciation a final 't' is silent, however Moët is spelled with a diaeresis over the 'e', which requires the final 't' to be pronounced.)

So, what have we learned in two millennia?

The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.

Evidently not a lot...

"If you want to know about the effects of North Korea's nuclear test prgramme, press the Red Button."

According to a poll of 1,000 translators, the most untranslatable word in the world is ilunga, from the Bantu language of Tshiluba; it means a person ready to forgive an abuse the first time, tolerate it the second time, but neither the third time.

The runners-up were:
Shlimazl: Yiddish for a chronically unlucky person.
Radioukacz: Polish for a person who worked as a telegrapher for the resistance movements on the Soviet side of the Iron Curtain.
Gezelling: Dutch for an atmosphere or feeling that is cosy.
Sau dade: Portuguese for a certain type of longing.
Selathirupavar: Tamil for a certain type of truancy.
Pochemuchka: Russian for a particular kind of person who asks a lot of questions.
Klloshar: Albanian for something like loser.
Naa: aJapanese word used only in Kansai area of Japan for emphasis or to agree with someone.
Altahmam: Arabic for a kind of deep sadness.

If Holly Hunter married George W. Bush, she'd be Holly Bush.

If Cat Deeley married Jamie Foxx, she'd be Cat Foxx.

If Iman married Gary Oldman, she'd be Iman Oldman.

If Cherie Blair married Oliver Stone, she'd be Cherie Stone.

If Lindsay Lohan married Robert Lindsay, she'd be Lindsay Lindsay.

If Minnie Driver married Alice Cooper, she'd be Minnie Cooper.

If Sandi Toksvig married Pauly Shore, she'd be Sandi Shore.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.