The Edmondson Blog

No matter what fond memories they evoke, there are certain garments from a gentleman's past that he should never - ever - seek to wear again:

• velvet suit
• flaired trousers
• tank-top
• Hawaiian shirt
• anything with sequins or snakeskin
  
• jodhpurs (unless playing polo, and even then, take great care)
• anything with Argyle in the name
  
• any underwear printed with red kisses, or slogans such as Home of the Whopper
• shirts of any type emblazoned with a large number, opinions, exhortations, or the gentleman's name (unless he is a sportsman of note)
• ties or braces with underclad females upon them
• collarless shirts
• Mickey Mouse watch
• bunny rabbit slippers
  

Never express your sense of humour through your socks, tie or choice of companion.

Toupees and comb-overs betray a level of moral dishonesty equivalent to buttock augmentation.

As you contemplate having a tattoo or a body part pierced, try to remember any T-shirt you bought at a rock concert five years ago and still wear. Better still, study a photograph of your parents when they were your age and consider having to dress like that for the rest of your life.

If you are in doubt whether it suits you or it fits you, it doesn't.

Skinny men can wear things fat men can't.

Italian men, even fat ones, can wear things English men can't.

Tall men can wear things short men can't.

Tall black men can wear things tall white men can't.

Women can wear things men can't.

Learn to tie a bow tie.

Unless you are Elton John or Dame Edna Everage, it is probably advisable to avoid distinctive or prominent spectacles.

When in doubt, ask a woman.

In the Royal Navy, officers toast the Queen seated (but standing if there are non-Naval guests present). The Loyal Toast is then followed by a set of traditional additional toasts depending on the day of the week:

• Monday: Our ships at sea.
• Tuesday: Our men.
• Wednesday: Ourselves. (As no-one else is likely to concern themselves with our welfare.)
• Thursday: A bloody war or a sickly season.
• Friday: A willing foe and sea room.
• Saturday: Sweethearts and wives. (May they never meet.)
• Sunday: Absent friends.

The words in brackets are understood but unspoken as part of the proposal, though oftimes they will be spoken in response.

The Thursday toast, A bloody war or a sickly season, comes from olden times when a war or a sickly season, in which others died, was a quick way to promotion.

Traditional Royal Navy toast for the Ladies:

Oh, the goodness of their goodness when they are good,
And the sadness of their sadness when they are sad,
But the goodness of their goodness
And the sadness of their sadness
Is nothing to their badness when they’re bad.

Grog was the term used in the Royal Navy for the ration of watered-down rum (50/50 rum/water) issued to all seamen over twenty. It came by the name grog from Admiral Vernon who, in 1740, ordered the men's ration of rum to be watered down. He was called Old Grogram because he often wore a grogram coat - grogram being a coarse fabric of silk mixed with wool or mohair and often stiffened with gum - so the watered rum came to be called grog. The Royal Navy discontinued the practice of issuing rum in 1970.

Often a sailor might repay a colleague for a favour by giving him part or all of his grog ration, ranging from sippers (a small amount), gulpers (a larger quantity) or grounders (the entire tot).

The tern groggy meaning to be tired or drunk, comes from the effect of consuming too much grog.

A holiday, a holiday, and the first one of the year
Lord Donald's wife came into the church, the gospel for to hear
And when the meeting it was done, she cast her eyes about
And there she saw little Matty Groves, walking in the crowd.

"Come home with me, little Matty Groves, come home with me tonight
Come home with me, little Matty Groves, and sleep with me till light."
"Oh, I can't come home, I won't come home and sleep with you tonight
By the rings on your fingers I can tell you are my master's wife."
"But if I am Lord Donald's wife, Lord Donald's not at home
He is out in the far cornfields bringing the yearlings home."

And a servant who was standing by and hearing what was said
He swore Lord Donald he would know before the sun would set
And in his hurry to carry the news, he bent his breast and ran
And when he came to the broad millstream, he took off his shoes and he swam.

Little Matty Groves, he lay down and took a little sleep
When he awoke, Lord Donald was standing at his feet
Saying "How do you like my feather bed and how do you like my sheets
How do you like my lady who lies in your arms asleep?"

"Oh, well I like your feather bed and well I like your sheets
But better I like your lady gay who lies in my arms asleep."
"Well, get up, get up," Lord Donald cried, "get up as quick as you can
It'll never be said in fair England that I slew a naked man."

"Oh, I can't get up, I won't get up, I can't get up for my life
For you have two long beaten swords and I not a pocket knife"
"Well it's true I have two beaten swords and they cost me deep in the purse
But you will have the better of them and I will have the worse
And you will strike the very first blow and strike it like a man
I will strike the very next blow and I'll kill you if I can."

So Matty struck the very first blow and he hurt Lord Donald sore,
Lord Donald struck the very next blow and Matty struck no more
And then Lord Donald took his wife and he sat her on his knee
Saying "Who do you like the best of us, Matty Groves or me?"
And then up spoke his own dear wife, never heard to speak so free
"I'd rather a kiss from dead Matty's lips than you or your finery"

Lord Donald he jumped up and loudly he did bawl
He struck his wife right through the heart and pinned her against the wall.
"A grave, a grave," Lord Donald cried, "to put these lovers in
But bury my lady at the top for she was of noble kin.

In the film Saving Private Ryan, General George Marshal, the American Chief of Staff for the Army, reads from a letter sent by President Lincoln to Mrs. Lydia Bixby, a widow who was thought to have lost all five of her sons fighting in the American Civil War.

Executive Mansion,
Washington, Nov. 21, 1864.

Dear Madam,

I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.

I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.

I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,

A. Lincoln

Although living in the north, Mrs. Bixby was a Confederate sympathizer and destroyed the letter shortly after receiving it, however, not before the text was printed in her local newspaper.

It was also later discovered that only two of her five sons had died in battle. Of the other sons, one deserted, one was discharged honourably while it is unclear whether the third deserted or died as a POW.

An extract from the letter, The solemn pride that must be yours, to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of Freedom adorns the memorial at the American Military Cemetery in Hawaii.

Friday

Dear James

Lots of excitement here. Some of the musicians and patrons have arrived early for tomorrow’s musical recital. It seems that it might be a costume gala night as well, as some of the musicians and patrons were clearly modelling their costumes in the Prince of Wales. Uncle Max seems unexpectedly keen to attend.

I am glad you can come, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Lots of love

Aunt La-La

PS Disaster! Poor old Tripod the dog has lost another leg the same way he lost the other, by falling over when he was cocking his leg (this needed a bit of practice with only three legs to begin with) and trying to wee on the lawnmower when it was running. One of the musicians tried to cheer him up and make his life a little easier by modifying one of those motorised Go-peds and strapping him on but it seemed to go a bit too fast for his remaining legs to keep up. In doggy years he is over 110 years old so it must be that he is getting a bit old.

Andrew Carnegie was a fabulously wealthy Scottish-born American industrialist, businessman, and a major philanthropist. He made his fortune by building what was to become US Steel. He later gave away most of his money to fund the establishment of many libraries, schools, and universities in America, the United Kingdom and other countries. He is often regarded as the second richest man in history.

On the other hand, Dale Breckenridge Carnagey was the American author of How To Win Friends And Influence People, first published in 1936, a massive bestseller that remains popular today. and the developer of famous courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking and interpersonal skills.

Perhaps one of his most successful marketing moves was to change the spelling of his last name from Carnegey to Carnegie, at a time when unrelated Andrew Carnegie was a widely revered and recognized name. By 1916, Dale was able to rent Carnegie Hall itself for a lecture to a packed house.

Over 50 years ago, the writer Sylvia Wright proposed that a series of misheard words of a statement or song lyric should be called a mondegreen, after Lady Mondegreen, the tragic heroine from the well known Scottish folk ballad, The Bonny Earl of Murray.

Sylvia had learnt the song as a child and recalled the first verse told:

Ye Highlands and ye Lowlands,
Oh! Where ha’e ye been:
They ha’e slain the Earl of Murray,
And the Lady Mondegreen.

Syliva had often wondered about this poor lady who is not mentioned elsewhere in Scottish history. She discovered years later that the last two lines went:

They ha'e slain the Earl of Murray,
And they laid him on the green.

Other notable mondegreens

Good King Wences’ car backed out
On the feet of heathens.

Olive, the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.

The train will run over us,
God Save The Queen!
Ray Edmondson, age 7.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, weigh a pie.

Send three and four-pence, were going to a dance.

Don’t cry for me, Sergeant Tina.

Thursday

Dear James

It was most enjoyable speaking to you on the telephone earlier.

I am sorry I was in a rush, but Reg, the landlord at the Prince of Wales, has booked the village hall for some sort of musical recital he is organising at the weekend, and as I am Chairman (I do hate "chairlady" or "chairperson"!) of the Carvell Village Hall Committee, I had to be there to hand over the keys.

If you can come down at the weekend you will of course be ever so welcome. Edwina and The Dreadful Idiot will be here, so if you come at least I'll have some intelligent conversation.

Lots of love

Aunt La-La

PS As you may have read, poor Arthur’s appeal did not go too well, but he is settling down now and making new friends. With all the time on his hands, this time he is determined to learn to write so with a bit of luck by next Christmas, if he is out on parole, we’ll all be getting cards from him.

So, the eternal question of what to do on a hot date. Here is some inspiration from Indian cinema.

G. H. Hardy, the Cambridge mathematician called to see the Indian mathematician, Srinivana Ramanujan. Hardy mentioned that his cab had been numbered 1729, which he considered to be an extremely dull number. Ramanunjan was scandalised and pointed out that far from being dull, the number was expressible as the sum of two cubes in two different ways:
[123 x 123 x 123] + [13 x 13 x 13] and [103 x 103 x 103] + [93 x 93 x 93]

(Accurate translation.)

Macdonaldus Senex fundum habet,
E – I – E – I – O.
Et in hoc fundo nonnullos boves domesticus habet,
E – I – E – I – O.
Cum moo moo hic, et moo moo ibi,
Hic una moo, Ibi una moo,
Ubique una moo moo,

Macdonaldus Senex fundum habet,
E – I – E – I – O.
Et in hoc fundo nonnullos porcos habet,
E – I – E – I – O.
Cum oink oink hic, et oink oink ibi,
Hic una oink, ibi una oink,
Ubique una oink oink,
Moo moo hic, moo moo ibi,
Hic una moo, Ibi una moo,
Ubique una moo moo,

etc.

Wednesday

Dear James

I say, isn't this exciting. Thank you again for coming down and installing my new computer. I've surfed the net, done some typing and I've even emailed some letters!

I was showing Uncle Max your blog and discovered my email to you on public display! I don't know how that happened - there are just too many buttons to press.

Uncle Max wanted to know what "blog" meant, he thought it sounded a bit like a wooden lavatory up a tree (log bog). He laughed so much he nearly fell off his chair, although that might have a bit to do with the strength of the gin and tonics he gets Reg, the landlord at the Prince of Wales, to serve.

I spoke to Edwina who asked that idiot husband of hers who said it stood for "web log." All a bit complicated for me. I suppose I will get to understand.

Lots of love

Aunt La-La

Prior to the wide use of handkerchiefs, blockages in the nose were commonly cleared by holding one nostril closed with the thumb, and blowing any obstruction on to the ground.

This was not an overly pleasant sight to witness, and to clear one’s nose “at” someone was a calculated insult. Even miming the gesture by raising the hand to the nose was insulting (as it is to this day).

Cocking a snook first appears as a description of this action in the late 18th century.

Snook is said to be derived from the name of Sevenoaks in Kent (so pronounced by fashionable London travellers of the day) either because the local rustics continued to make do without newfangled handkerchiefs, or because the street urchins thumbed their noses at strangers passing through.

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name"

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck; who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Tuesday

Dear James

Thank you for coming to install my new computer. I'm sure it's going to be tremendous fun!

I’ll experiment over the next few days and try out all the new ideas you explained.

Lots of love

Aunt La-La

PS Uncle Max has just come in from the Prince of Wales and sends his regards.

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal specialist and calls up and books an urgent visit.

An hour later the specialist shows up with a long stick, a vicious looking bulldog, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.

The specialist gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb the tree and start poking the gorilla with the stick until he falls out. When he does, the bulldog will try to bite the gorilla's nuts off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the bulldog."

At Hunter Off-Site Limited, Russ has been continuing with research and development. Here is some behind-the-scenes fine tuning of the latest technique for cutting plaster-board.


Stupid videos

Very funny if you understand, but completely incomprehensible to anybody who has not used Wikipedia.

Here are John Bird and John Fortune - from a sketch recorded last year - predicting the last few weeks financial chaos.

We all know the lyrics:

Oh, what a night.
Late December back in '63.
What a very special time for me,
'Cause I remember what a night.

Oh, what a night.
You know, I didn't even know her name,
But I was never gonna be the same.
What a lady. What a night.

December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) was a hit single by The Four Seasons. It was written by original Four Seasons keyboard player Bob Gaudio and his future wife Judy Parker, and included on the group's 1975 album Who Loves You. It made number one on the UK singles chart on February 21, 1976.

Interestingly, the song was originally about the repeal of Prohibition in the US. Drinking alcohol had been banned in 1920 by the Eighteenth Amendment to the US Constitution. This was subsequently repealed on December 5, 1933, so the song was originally called December 1933 (Oh What A Night). The title and the lyrics were changed at the urgings of the lead singer, Franki Valli and became a nostalgic remembrance of a young man's first time with a woman.

Here's an interesting but slightly unsettling American website: www.criminalsearches.com.

Type in a name and, Hey Presto! everybody with that name in the US with a criminal record, broken down by state and date of birth, and divided into different types of crime: behavioral, business, drug & alcohol, sex related, theft/robbery, violent, traffic/other.

Entering Richard Edmondson gives 16 (hopefully distant) relatives having trouble with their behaviour. (I see that James H Edmondson was caught doing 94 in a 70 limit in Texas.)

Not much you can say about this...

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel’s first album, Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M. was released in 1964 and included the original acoustic version of The Sound of Silence. The album was initially a flop. At this time folk music was becoming popular in England so Simon moved to England without Garfunkel and started working around the English folk clubs and coffee houses.

He met Kathleen Mary “Kathy” Chitty at the very first English folk club he played at, the Railway Inn Folk Club in Brentwood, Essex, on 12th April, 1964 where she worked. She was 17, he was 22 and they fell very much in love. Later that year they visited the US together, touring around mainly by bus.

Kathy returned to England on her own with Simon returning to her some weeks later. During this separation he wrote America, clearly a love song to Kathy, that lays bare the extent to which he was missing her:

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping
"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why"

During their separation he also wrote Kathy’s Song:

I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets
To England where my heart lies.
My mind's distracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're asleep
And kiss you when you start your day.

When he was back in London he recorded the album The Paul Simon Songbook that included Kathy’s Song, and had a photo of Simon and Kathy on the cover.

In the meantime, The Sound of Silence started to receive some air-play in the US. The producer, Tom Wilson, without consulting Simon or Garfunkel, overdubbed the original acoustic recording with electric guitar and base, and drums. This new version entered the US charts and by the end of 1965 became No. 1. Simon felt the need to return to the US to continue his career. Kathy was quite shy and some accounts tell that Kathy wanted no part of the success and fame that awaited Simon. They split up.

Simopn didn't hear from Kathy for over 20 years. In 1986, during his success with Graceland he received a letter from her. In 1991, while on tour in the UK, Kathy and her family attended Simon´s show in Sheffield. Simon would confirm her attendance at the Old Friends Reunion Tour stop at Hyde Park in July 2004.

Kathy is a very private person, all attempts by the press to cajole information or her whereabouts out of Simon have failed. As far as anybody knows, she is now a grandmother with three grown-up children and living in the Welsh mountains (where she has lived most of her life) working part-time at a technical college.

During his time in England Simon wrote Homeward Bound sat on Widnes Railway Station. It is also widely interpreted that this song is also about Kathy:

I wish I was homeward bound
Home, where my thoughts escaping
Home, where my musics playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

The station has a plaque commemorating the history of this song. When this went missing a few years ago, they invited Kathy to unveil the replacement but she declined.


Paul Simon and Kathy Kitty on the cover of The Paul Simon Song Book.

So, now you know - cigarettes are romantic. Advert from the 1960s.


When Cadbury's introduced their Smash mashed potato in the 1970s they ran a series of adverts with martians making fun of earthlings.

A zeugma is a figure of speech describing the joining of two or more parts of a sentence with a common verb or noun. A zeugma employs both ellipsis, the omission of words which are easily understood, and parallelism, the balance of several words or phrases. The result is a series of similar phrases joined or yoked together by a common and implied noun or verb.

The prozeugma is a zeugma where a verb in the first part of a sentence governs several later clauses in series:

• She conquered shame with passion, fear with audacity, reason with madness.

• Povertie hath gotten conquest of thy riches, shame of thy pride, danger of thy safetie, folly of thy wisedome, weakenesse of thy strength, and time of thy imagined immortalitie.

The mesozeugma is a zeugma where a verb in the middle of the sentence governs several parallel clauses on either side:

• Both determination and virtue will prevail; both dedication and honour, diligence and commitment.

• What a shame is this, that neither hope of reward, nor feare of reproch could any thing move him, neither the perswasion of his friends, nor the love of his countrey.

The hypozeugma is a zeugma where a verb falls at the end of a sentence and governs several parallel clauses that precede it:

• Either with disease or age, physical beauty fades.

• Through rain or sleet or dark of night, the mail must get through.

• Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.

Following a hypozeugma with a prozeugma can create a chiasmus:

• The foundation of freedom and the fountain of equity is preserved by laws. Our lawless acts destroy our wealth and threaten our custody of life.

The diazeugma is a zeugma where a noun governs two or more verbs:

• The Roman people destroyed Numantia, razed Carthage, demolished Corinth, and overthrew Fregella.

• Physical beauty: with disease it fades; with age it dies.

• Stands accused, threatens our homes, revels in his crime, this man guilty of burglary asks for our forgiveness.

• Despairing in the heat and in the sun, we marched, cursing in the rain and in the cold.

The hypozeuxis is the opposite of a zeugma, where each subject has its own verb:

• The parents scowled, the girls cried, and the boys jeered while the clown stood confused.

• We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!

• Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

A shop that sells new husbands opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
So, a woman goes to the New Husband Shop to find a replacement husband. On the ground floor the sign on the door reads:
She is intrigued, but continues to the first floor, where the sign reads:
'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The second floor sign reads:
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the third floor and the sign reads:
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the forth floor and the sign reads:
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the fifth floor, where the sign reads:

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the shop's owner opened a New Wives Shop just across the street.

On the ground floor the sign on the door reads:
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Nobody has ever visited the second, third, fourth or fifth floors.

During the rush hour, just after 6pm on Wednesday, 1st August, 2007, the central span of the Mississippi River Bridge in Minneapolis, Minnesota, suddenly gave way. The structure and deck collapsed into the river and onto the riverbanks below. Approximately 100 vehicles fell with the span and 13 people lost their lives.

The collapse was recorded by an outdoor security camera.

Defined as those you can tell your mother.

A confused driving student one night
Made a left by mistake at the light.
Then she turned left twice more,
With intent to be sure,
For she knew that three wrongs make a right.

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale,
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

There was an old monk of Siberia
Who fancied the Mother Superior;
Each time she walked past,
He’d grab at her vast
And exquisitely rounded posterior.

For reasons obscure and unclear,
I can’t put my nose in my ear.
But if I succeed,
I’ll be happy indeed,
For I’ll finally have a career.

Of course there are more rude ones than clean
ones! That’s the whole point of limericks.

There was a young sailor named Gates,
Who boarded his schooner on skates.
He slipped on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And also quite useless on dates!

A gentleman Katy knew slightly
Persisted in e-mailing her nightly
To ask her if she
Would ever be free
To come round and tie him up tightly.

There was a young vampire called Mabel,
Whose periods were remarkably stable.
Every full moon,
She’d pull out a spoon,
And drink herself under the table.

There was a young man named Crocket,
Who built a 30 foot rocket,
The rocket went bang,
His bollocks went twang*,
And his prick ended up in his pocket.

*clang works well as an alternative.

This was a young fellow named Paul,
Couldn’t rely on his arse-hole at all,
When he sat on the loo,
It went slightly askew,
And splattered some poo on the wall.

In an earthquake, the best thing to do
Is to set about having a screw:
When you’re done, you can say
In a nonchalant way,
“May I ask, did the earth move for you?”

There once was a lady called Kay,
I know you’ll be amazed when I say,
That despite her high station,
And good education,
She still spelt cunt with a k.

107th Psalm: They that go down to the sea in ships and do business in great waters; these see the works of the Lord and His wonders in the deep.

Carrying on from below, the Liverpool Docks and Harbour Board offices (on the waterfront at Liverpool - where else?) have the above inscription around the inside of the dome.

The war memorial at Finsbury, London, has the inscription, These are they that went down to the sea in ships and did business in great oceans. They have seen the works of the Lord and His wonders upon the deep and have reached there desired haven.

The memorial especially commemorates the dead of the successful mission on 23rd April 1918 to seal up Zeebrugge harbour by scuttling three concrete filled ships in the harbour mouth to stop its use by submarines. Rick's grand uncle, Albert Wilson died during the Zeebrugge mission, not knowing his new wife, Maude, was pregnant with their son, my Uncle Bob.

Psychiatrist: How long have you believed in reincarnation?

Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.

This is a slow motion video of the demolition of the Key Bank Tower in downtown Salt Lake City.

The Lefortovo Tunnel is a road tunnel in the Lefortovo District in Moscow, Russia. It is a part of the Third Ring road and at 1.4 miles long, it is the fifth longest urban tunnel in Europe.

It has been nicknamed "The Tunnel of Death" due to its high accident rate. It is equiped with a number of monitoring cameras that record the excitement.