The Edmondson Blog

Just read this in the newspaper today:

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped."

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless."

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas, but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f--ked, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney."

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

Hat tip: Claudia

I've updated my Top 10 Lists recently. Please take a look and let me know if there's anything I've missed out, or a list you'd like me to add.

I spend a very enjoyable afternoon down at The Bull's Head, Pratt's Bottom yesterday to sample multiple ales as part of their 2006 Beer Festival. Unfortunately the accompanying spit roast was only organised for Saturday so we settled on a competently cooked lamb roast each. There were eight ales on show, but my top three were:

1. Famous Frigate (brewed by Camerons, Hartlepool) *****
2. General Wolfe 1759 (brewed by the Westerham Brewery, Westerham) ***
3. Chiddingstone (brewed by Larkins, Edenbridge) ***

A little guy gets on an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. No one else is on the elevator. The elevator door closes. After a few seconds the big guy notices the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "Hey! What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude replies, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, a 3 pound left testicle, a 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The little guy gives a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God! I thought you said turn around!"

I went to see Tim Vine on stage this evening, on his Current Bun tour. He was absolutely hilarious and gave one and a quarter hours of constant gags. He also pulled out some amusing props, including a brain hanging off the end of a fishing rod ("cast your mind back"). His final joke was the classic "I went into a butcher and said I bet you can reach those pieces of meat up there. The butcher said he couldn't take that bet. I asked him why not. He replied because the 'steaks' are too high." Here are some more gags.

The next time you snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, remember it could be for the best...

TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

SINBAD: single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.

TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

Update:
"I'LL CHECK. WHO SHOULD I SAY IS CALLING?": "Of course he's in, I'll check to see if he wants to talk to you."

Hat tip: Charlie. Update: Puppa

Well done to Bella, who got close and personal to Borat when he was at The Sun doing interviews earlier this week!

I always think it's important to learn a new fact every day. There were big arguments in the office earlier about favourite snacks (more to follow later) but someone mentioned the drink "Um Bongo". I remember the tune from the adverts quite clearly - "Um Bongo, Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo" - but was that it? No!

Way down deep in the middle of the Congo, a hippo took an apricot, a guava and a mango. He stuck it with the others, and he danced a dainty tango.
The rhino said, "I know, we'll call it Um Bongo", Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo.
The python picked the passion fruit, the marmoset the mandarin. The parrot painted packets that the whole caboodle landed in.
So when it comes to sun and fun and goodness in the jungle, They all prefer the sunny funny one they call Um Bongo!

The song was sung by Tony Jackson, a member of the band 'Rage', best known for their 1992 number 4 chart hit, "Run to You".

Thanks to Wikipedia.

Bishop's Finger has got into trouble for suggesting drinking its beer does wonders for your sex life (which is illegal in the UK). I love the adverts, but not for the main innuendo. More for the tagline "it's near the knuckle". Genius.

Earlier this month, I told you about a friend of mine who is undertaking a bit of horticulture at home. Here's an updated photo. Look at the baby grow!

I had the privilege of attending the TfL Board Meeting at the GLA this morning. It was a fascinating event, especially as I was able to check out who all the big players are who decide the direction that transport in London will take in the future. And what players they are...

Remember that TfL is run like a company - it even has a credit rating (AA) with all three of the big agencies. I always think you can tell the quality of the company by the senior management. In the chair: Ken Livingstone, who turned up without a tie and looked bored throughout. Jay Walder and Tim O'Toole, two Americans brought in by Bob Kiley who looked and sounded the part. Impressive. Peter Hendy, TfL's commissioner, with his selection of metalwork across the knuckles, looked like he'd just arrived after giving out tickets on the number 88 bus. A whole selection of other characters, including some who turned up with backpacks and duffel coats like it was their first day at school.

Unfortunately, the board doesn't reflect the true diversity of our great city. I spied 18 men and 8 women (is it me or is that a big board?). Making up the diversity: one black woman and two disabled board members. Low numbers, I'd say.

The upshot was that a number of times the board spoke about sustainability, including sustainable procurement, which is my speciality. Looking like I'm playing with a hot political issue...

I went down with a cold earlier so bust out of work to spend the afternoon at home blowing my nose and feeling miserable. I took the chance, while monging in front of the TV, to watch the Dark Side of the Rainbow. That is to watch The Wizard of Oz whilst listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon (DSOTM). Rumours abound that Pink Floyd wrote DSOTM so that certain songs and lyrics coincide with specific moments in the film. Click here to see a list of the alleged moments.

There are indeed some fascinating overlaps, especially with new songs and new scenes seemingly starting at exactly the same moment. But most of the corresponding moments are a little dubious and I found myself fast forwarding the music to catch up with the film. And the CD finishes half way through the film! An interesting experiment...

UPDATE: Thanks to "Peter Hitchens" who has sent me a link where you can see the video here.

This guy should not be on the road. How could anyone be such a putz?

An "overly obedient" German driver followed his car's satnav system's instructions to "Turn right now!" and duly exited the highway "about 30 metres before the crossing he was meant to take" before piling headlong into a portaloo, the Sydney Morning Herald reports.
Mind you, this is not simply a case of a moment's lapse in concentration: before destroying the toilet, the bloke "drove his sport utility vehicle off the road into a building site", then took it "up a stairway" before totalling said convenience.

I've put a selection of photos on Flickr for your enjoyment. Click here to view. Unfortunately, I didn't take any photos of the wedding reception as I left that job to Will. He promptly lost his camera.

As you can see on the right, the value (as of today) has rocketed by 50%. Thanks for reading everyone!

What were they thinking when they named these places?

I'm not sure we'll be seeing these down at Waterstones...

These two kids look strangely like my brother and I when we were younger (me in red, Russell in the black tank top). Look out for the kid swing into view at 2:10!

After months of trying, Heps finally gets some action. The problem is, it's with neither a girl or a human. Welcome Guinness...

This is making the rounds at the moment, so apologies if it's old news. Very amusing: some guy puts together an 11 minute CV. Cue the inevitable weights bench and kung fu.

Hat tip: Sarah / Germie / Will

For those of you who have been following my brother's and my building project in Queenborough, I am pleased to say the property has now been sold for a tidy profit. The first of many, I hope, for Hunter Building Systems.

Every month when I receive my form at work informing my of my monthly wages I whisper to myself "Superman 3, Superman 3" over and over whilst I open the form. For those of you who don't know, the plot in Superman 3 is about a computer hacker who figures out a way of diverting money from the company he works for into his own bank account. The money is in such small quanities (fractions of a cent) that the company won't realise but it's repeated over and over so adds up to some serious $$$. I've just found out this is called "Salami Slicing". Click here to read more about it.

I have just received word on the Government's solution to winning the war on terror:

It is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next Sunday at 4:00 PM , all British women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all British women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, some cold lagers at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.

The British Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

Your intrepid explorer is back in our Green and Pleasant Land and will soon be blogging again. I'm sorting through the photos I took and will be uploading some, including stories, from my holiday in China. Apologies for not blogging whilst away - I did not have the time or the resources. Chances are, I will post my China trip on it's own blog: shanghai-surprise.blogspot.com, but more of that later.

I hope you've all been keeping well.

My dear readers, apologies for the radio silence over the last few days. I am currently in China and have been having issues connecting to the internet. I am just about to board a flight to Beijing and will update you all as soon as possible.

I went to a free screening of Borat this evening. It's not often that I laugh out loud from beginning to end of a film, but this was right on the money. There were so many hilarious (and cringe-worthy) moments, but mine must be when Borat falls out with his "producer" in the hotel room. I won't explain what happens and ruin it. This film is highly recommended.

I received an interesting email from one of my informers today:

Dear Mr Edmondson

It is with great regret that I write this email. As you know, I have been a loyal and patient reader of your blog now for some time. What is more, I feel I have modestly contributed (significantly) to your blog without so much a thank you. Please understand, I think the time and effort (particularly during those busy working hours) that you have put in to making your blog what it is today is commendable and you have every right to now be sitting on a blog that is worth a “you-tube-esque” $2.00.

However, over the past couple of days I have noticed that you have been handing our hat tips to people who have fed your blog willy-nilly. This is a most disturbing development. In light of this seismic shift in source revealing, I would like you to retrospectively hat tip all my contributions from the past two years or I will no longer either be “logging-on” nor contributing in the future to your blog. You have twenty-four hours. In the meantime, I will be actively searching the web for a new favourite blog – I note that there is a chap called Heps who is snapping at your heals and could soon be increasing his loyal readership…

Let me explain: I was receiving a lot of heat from my network of informers whinging they weren't receiving the recognition they deserved and thought each of them were supplying most of my content. I've decided to thank my informers by way of a "hat tip" in the future both as a sign of recognition and as a measure of who really is supplying me with the goods.

I will not be hat tipping retrospectively. If you are one of my informers and would like to stay anonymous, please email me.

Jamal is a 15 year-old 5th grader. This is Jamal's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

5. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

6. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."

7. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

8. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "fortify."

9. Omelette - I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.

Hat tip: Claudia

That reminds me of a hilarious scene in Airplane:

Randy: Can I get you something?
Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!
Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand.
First Jive Dude: Cutty say 'e can't HANG!
Jive Lady: Oh stewardess! I speak jive.
Randy: Oh, good.
Jive Lady: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.
Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?
Jive Lady: Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side.
Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!
Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help!
First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!
Jive Lady: Jive ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Hmmph!

to to

Hat tip: George

Don't you hate it when your bag just won't fit in.

Hat tip: Tori

I've never seen Heps handle more than £10 at a time. Last night was different. George managed to do the old "push cash machine user out the way and press highest amount" maneuver (is there a name for this?), leaving Heps with £250.

The old ones are always the best...

George (the rotund one), Heps (the Mediterranean one), me, Will (the charming one), Hills (the chatty one)

Last night was ladz night. The five amigos got together for some refreshments and a catch up. What a pleasure it was - I can't remember the last time we were all together, without distractions.

One of this year's entry's into the Ig Nobel awards was about a young man who walked into the accident and emergency department of University Hospital in Jacksonville, Tennessee, complaining of hiccups that had lasted three days. Francis Fesmire, who treated him, had little idea he was about to make medical history:

"Digital rectal massage was then attempted using a slow circumferential motion," he wrote in his seminal case report, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine. "The frequency of hiccups immediately began to slow, with a termination of all hiccups within 30 seconds."

I'll stick with the hiccups, thanks!

I went on a training course today and the most interesting thing I learnt is that there's a museum within New Scotland Yard! From Wikipedia:

The exhibits included many death masks made of executed criminals, as well as collections of weapons, tools used by burglars, and items that had been evidence in crimes.

I've got to see this. If you know how to get in, please email me. Click on the post title for more info.

Holidays in Lake Tahoe: www.gotahoe.com

Therapists in the US offer troubled souls a shoulder to cry on: www.therapistfinder.com

The First Cumming Methodist Church: www.cummingfirst.com

Betting site: www.oddsexchange.com

Law firm Morrison & Foerster: www.mofo.com

The plant-growers of Mole Station Nursery in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

An IT professional to fix your broken PC: www.expertsexchange.com

Who Represents is a database of contact names and numbers: www.whorepresents.com

The Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com

Art designers: www.speedofart.com

From this week's Popbitch:

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. He says into the microphone...

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...
"Well, stop fucking clapping then."

Congratulations to one of my friends, who will remain nameless, who has managed to grow a C. sativa shrub in their back garden. It is early days, but I hope they have a bountiful harvest.

Me and Verity

Had our monthly World Diners Club meeting last night, this time to deal with the letter W - West African. We headed to African Kitchen Gallery near Euston Station, where we enjoyed some fantastic African hospitality in very intimate surroundings (15 covers!). I was accompanied by Will and two of my most fun (and attractive) friends Olivia and her sister Verity.

"It's a deal," Edmondson confirms. "£1bn for the secret to bedding women"

Just got a call from Brazier in New York: somehow he's got engaged. Despite the fact he's playing out of his league, he's managed to bag Hannah, impressively during a helicopter ride over Manhattan. I am expecting to be best man.

Something very strange happened earlier...

I was online updating my blog and someone must've seen and noticed my Skype username on the bottom right. Then starts 30 minutes of texting! Speak to you soon Germie!

UPDATE: From Germie herself: "I got my skype up to see who was about and no one was then I have this people online thing and I looked for people with interesting websites to entertain me and found your blog and was chuckling to myself and felt it wrong then not to compliment you on it." There you go; another satisfied customer!

Last week I let you know about the new series of Ladette to Lady, in which my friend Simon was appearing. I read an amusing review in the Mail on Sunday yesterday:

The personal journeys that some girls are determined to undergo are what make Ladette to Lady more than just another show about how ghastly Britain's female population actually is. Ironically, the bachelors brought in allegedly to educate them just made you think how equally ghastly Britain's public schoolboys are.

Well done Simon!

Saw this advert on TV for Radio 2. Absolutely love it.

I spent a very relaxing day with my friends Andy and Becks at their new home in Cambridgeshire yesterday. After a fabulous toad in the hole, I was introduced to baby Maya. What a sweetie!

I have been at Transport for London for exactly 1000 days today. Feel free to leave me a message / comment of congratulations. Please don't ask where find the time to work these things out.