Don't Ever Complain About Your Job Again!
Published by Rick on Monday, December 29, 2008.Finding your job a pain in the neck? How about a swap with this guy?
All In The Name
Published by Rick on Saturday, December 27, 2008.
During 2008 a record 46,000 people changed their names by deed poll. I'm not altogether sure everybody is taking this seriously enough. All these are genuine deed poll name changes:
McLovin
(after a character in the film Superbad)
Jazz Funk
(Andrew Dick felt that his new name was better than being Mr. Dick.)
Ima Stapler
Saxon Knight
(61 year old Janice Glover changed her name because, "Retirement is the start of a new life so I decided I would get a new name too.")
Elf McGnome
Chainy Rabbit
Purple Phantom
Daddy Fantastic
Big Crazy Lester
Luscious Lemons
General Ninja Ant
Mr Happy Spanners
(the result of losing a drunken bet)
Jojo Magicspacemonkey
Dan Boombastic Fantastic
Mr Tintin Captain Haddock Confused Brewer
(all references to the cartoon strip Tintin)
N'Tom TheHaymaker Haywardyouliketocomebacktomine
Aron Mufasa Columbo Fonzerelli Ball In A Cup Boogie Woogie Brown
Vincent Superdude Nymphomaniac Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell Valentine
(after a character in the film Superbad)
Jazz Funk
(Andrew Dick felt that his new name was better than being Mr. Dick.)
Ima Stapler
Saxon Knight
(61 year old Janice Glover changed her name because, "Retirement is the start of a new life so I decided I would get a new name too.")
Elf McGnome
Chainy Rabbit
Purple Phantom
Daddy Fantastic
Big Crazy Lester
Luscious Lemons
General Ninja Ant
Mr Happy Spanners
(the result of losing a drunken bet)
Jojo Magicspacemonkey
Dan Boombastic Fantastic
Mr Tintin Captain Haddock Confused Brewer
(all references to the cartoon strip Tintin)
N'Tom TheHaymaker Haywardyouliketocomebacktomine
Aron Mufasa Columbo Fonzerelli Ball In A Cup Boogie Woogie Brown
Vincent Superdude Nymphomaniac Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell Valentine
Fairy Tale Of Our Time
Published by Rick on Monday, December 22, 2008.
Once upon a time, there was a blameless girl called Consumerella, who didn't have enough money to buy all the lovely things she wanted. She went to her Fairy Godmother, who called a man called Rumpelmandelson who lived in a White Hall and claimed to be able to spin straw into gold.
Rumpelmandelson sent the Fairy Godmother the recipe for this magic spell. It was written in tiny, tiny writing, so she did not read it but hoped the Socerers' Services Authority had checked it.
The Fairy Godmother carried away armfuls of glistening straw-derivative at a bargain price. Embolden by the deal, she lent Consumerella - who had a big party to go to - 125% of the money she needed. Consumerella bought a bling-bedizened gown, a palace and a Mercedes - and spent the rest on champagne. The first payment was due at midnight.
At midnight, Consumerella missed the first payment on her loan (the result of overindulgence, although some blamed the pronouncements of the Toastmaster, a man called Bordon Grown). Consumerella's credit rating turned into a pumpkin and Rumpelmandelson's spell was broken. He and the Fairy Godmother discovered that their vaults were not full of gold, but ordinary straw.
All seemed lost until Santa Claus and his helpers, men with implausible fairy-tale names such as Darling, Straw and Balls and began handing out presents. It was only in January when Consumerella's credit card statement arrived, she discovered that Santa Claus had paid for the gifts by taking out a loan in her name. They all lived miserably ever after.
The End.
Rumpelmandelson sent the Fairy Godmother the recipe for this magic spell. It was written in tiny, tiny writing, so she did not read it but hoped the Socerers' Services Authority had checked it.
The Fairy Godmother carried away armfuls of glistening straw-derivative at a bargain price. Embolden by the deal, she lent Consumerella - who had a big party to go to - 125% of the money she needed. Consumerella bought a bling-bedizened gown, a palace and a Mercedes - and spent the rest on champagne. The first payment was due at midnight.
At midnight, Consumerella missed the first payment on her loan (the result of overindulgence, although some blamed the pronouncements of the Toastmaster, a man called Bordon Grown). Consumerella's credit rating turned into a pumpkin and Rumpelmandelson's spell was broken. He and the Fairy Godmother discovered that their vaults were not full of gold, but ordinary straw.
All seemed lost until Santa Claus and his helpers, men with implausible fairy-tale names such as Darling, Straw and Balls and began handing out presents. It was only in January when Consumerella's credit card statement arrived, she discovered that Santa Claus had paid for the gifts by taking out a loan in her name. They all lived miserably ever after.
The End.
English As She Is Used
Published by Rick on Sunday, December 21, 2008.
An English professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
"In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
"However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
"In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
"However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Semaphore
Published by Rick on Tuesday, December 16, 2008.
An interesting note on the video below. On display is what many people consider to be the international sign for peace. In fact, it is the logo of CND, the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament. During the 1960s the circle with the upwards facing arrow became ubiquitous and having been adopted as a sign for peace its origins have become a little overlooked.The logo was designed in 1958 by Gerald Holtom and is based upon the international semaphore symbols for N and D (for Nuclear Disarmament) enclosed within a circle
Semaphore is a signalling system using two hand held flags to spell out letters of the alphabet:
The next run of letters are signaled by moving the static flag 45 degrees (inexplicably the letter J is omitted and appears later in the sequencing):
So the two diagonal lines in the logo represent N and the vertical, D.Thought you would like to know.
Causes Of Global Warming No. 453
Published by Rick on Tuesday, December 16, 2008.Al oldy but a goody. If, like me, you like these sorts of displays, then the website for you is www.neverenoughlights.com
Funnies
Published by Rick on Saturday, December 13, 2008.
He's long gone, sheriff, you'll never catch him!
Tomorrow Belongs To Me
Published by Rick on Friday, December 12, 2008.The film Cabaret is set in 1931, in the last days of the Weimar Replublic. This is the beer garden scene where director Bob Fosse dramatically reflects the Nazi's increasing influence on German society under Adolf Hitler.
A boy - initially only his face seen - sings to the seated guests what first seems an innocent lyrical song about the beauties of nature. Then gradually the lyrics shift to more ominous sentiments. The camera pans and draws back to show that the boy is wearing a brown Nazi uniform. One by one, nearly all guests in the beer garden get up and enthusiastically join in the singing. Scary stuff.
Cabaret was nominated for ten Academy Awards in 1973, and nearly performed a clean sweep, winning eight.
This is a foreign language version that at some time has had English subtitles added. At the end, as the Michael York character leaves, he says to his friend “You still think you can control them?”
Latest Venture Capital Opportunity
Published by Rick on Tuesday, December 09, 2008.
Venture capitalists in New York and London are pumping millions of dollars into Somalia's booming pirate sector.
The sharp-eyed investors say Indian Ocean piracy has replaced Bangladeshi t-shirt factories and Nigerian banking scams as the developing world's strongest source of high-growth revenue streams.
Julian Cook, head of strategy at Porter, Pinkney and Turner (PPT), said: The margins are very impressive. These guys can board a Chinese freighter or Saudi oil tanker and turn it around in less than a week. Usually without killing anyone.
The staff are well-trained and they operate a structured bonus system involving the daughters of nomadic tribal chiefs and as much hallucinogenic tree bark as they can eat.
The tax position is also very favourable given that Somalia isn't really what you would describe as a country with laws and a government.
PPT has paid £25.7 million for a 32% stake in Captain Ahmed's Crazee Bastards with the initial tranche used for capital purchases including new speed boats, 200 yards of very strong rope and a gun the size of a cow.
The investment will also be used to establish an out-sourced personnel department to ensure the quick replacement of any colleagues shot by the Royal Navy during working hours. Personnel issues are now dealt with via mentoring and third-party arbitration.
Captain Ahmed will retain day-to-day management control and has also negotiated a clause allowing him to go ape-shit crazee and shoot everyone on board up to three times a year.
The sharp-eyed investors say Indian Ocean piracy has replaced Bangladeshi t-shirt factories and Nigerian banking scams as the developing world's strongest source of high-growth revenue streams.
Julian Cook, head of strategy at Porter, Pinkney and Turner (PPT), said: The margins are very impressive. These guys can board a Chinese freighter or Saudi oil tanker and turn it around in less than a week. Usually without killing anyone.
The staff are well-trained and they operate a structured bonus system involving the daughters of nomadic tribal chiefs and as much hallucinogenic tree bark as they can eat.
The tax position is also very favourable given that Somalia isn't really what you would describe as a country with laws and a government.
PPT has paid £25.7 million for a 32% stake in Captain Ahmed's Crazee Bastards with the initial tranche used for capital purchases including new speed boats, 200 yards of very strong rope and a gun the size of a cow.
The investment will also be used to establish an out-sourced personnel department to ensure the quick replacement of any colleagues shot by the Royal Navy during working hours. Personnel issues are now dealt with via mentoring and third-party arbitration.
Captain Ahmed will retain day-to-day management control and has also negotiated a clause allowing him to go ape-shit crazee and shoot everyone on board up to three times a year.
Happy Kitschmas!
Published by Rick on Saturday, December 06, 2008.
There was a time, of course, when beards covered a multitude of chins. There was Moses and St Paul. There was Leonardo and Michelangelo. There was Santa. There was even Marx and Darwin, both much bushy of face. But the day of the beard has now sadly passed. The beard is no longer king. All that remains are the bearded chops of Rowan Williams.To mark this tragic loss in modern life, the commemorative Jesus Shaves mug looks back to the most famous facial hair of them all. Simply add a hot drink to the mug, and the familiar facial hair of our Lord melts away to reveal ... a passable likeness to your Editor in his younger years. Sic transit gloria mundi*.
Mourn the passing of the great beards of yore with the Jesus Shaves mug. Only $12.95 from the good folks at www.philosophersguild.com.
*Sic transit gloria mundi translates as Thus passes the glory of the world.Acknowledgements to www.ship-of-fools.com
Other Religious Kitsch
Published by Rick on Saturday, December 06, 2008.
It’s never going to be easy learning prayers in ancient Hebrew. But it just got a little less hard, thanks to the wonders of microchip prayer.Stick the Say-A-Blessing! keychain in your pocket, and you're ready for anything in the culinary dept. About to eat a bagel? Hit the Hamotzi button, and your electronic rabbi recites the correct blessing. Ready to sink your teeth into some fruit? Click the Hoaytz button and get another pray-along blessing. The same's true for fish, eggs, vegetables, wine... you name it. This little box is full of amazing graces, all voiced by Rabbi Zalman Goldstein.
Say-a-blessing! turns ritual into a piece of cake. And there's even a button for that, too. Just $14.95 from www.jewishlearninggroup.com.
Acknowledgements to www.ship-of-fools.com
Separated At Birth?
Published by Rick on Saturday, December 06, 2008.
James Gordon Brown : Robert Gabriel MugabeUnelected Head of Government : Unelected Head of Government
Accuses political opponents : Accuses political opponents
of undermining economy : of undermining economy
Opposition politicians : Opposition politicians
get arrested : get arrested
Blames economic chaos : Blames economic chaos
on foreign counties : on foreign countries
Economic plan : Economic plan:
1. Spend more : 1. Spend more
2. Print more money : 2. Print more money
3. Nationalisation : 3. Nationalisation
G. K. Chesterton
Published by Rick on Saturday, December 06, 2008.
The English writer, G. K. Chesterton, once wasted a whole afternoon looking for the pub The Dull Man at Greenwich where he had an important meeting. Returning home having failed in his search, he discovered that he should have gone to The Green Man at Dulwich.
One Liners
Published by Rick on Friday, December 05, 2008.A backward poet writes inverse.
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is a man who jumps off a bridge in Paris, in Seine?
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said, "Keep off the Grass."
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was arrested for littering.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
A grenade thrown into a French carpet shop would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital, when his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse told her, "No change yet."
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is a man who jumps off a bridge in Paris, in Seine?
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said, "Keep off the Grass."
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was arrested for littering.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
A grenade thrown into a French carpet shop would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital, when his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse told her, "No change yet."
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Round Our House (Or Next Door At Least)
Published by Rick on Wednesday, December 03, 2008.
Claudia says she won't be home for Christmas, she's shacked up inCosta Rica with Cezar, the hottest thing since prawn vindaloo.
On second thoughts, Mrs Smithers, I think I'd rather pay rent.
Don't Play With Your Food!
Published by Rick on Wednesday, December 03, 2008.Charlie Chaplin in the 1925 silent film The Gold Rush, a comedy about the Alaska Gold Rush, written, produced, directed by, and starring himself. Chaplin declared several times that this was the film that he most wanted to be remembered for.
The film was a huge success worldwide. It is the fifth highest grossing silent film in cinema history, taking in more than $4,250,001 at the box office in 1926, and is the highest grossing silent comedy film.
Scarey Stuff Left Over From Hallowe'en
Published by Rick on Wednesday, December 03, 2008.
Captain Charles Boycott
Published by Rick on Tuesday, December 02, 2008.
The word boycott is derived from the name of Captain Charles Boycott, the land agent of an absentee landlord, the Earl Erne, in County Mayo who was subject to social ostracism organized by the Irish Land League in 1880. In September that year, protesting tenants demanded from Boycott a substantial reduction in their rents. He not only refused but also ejected them from the land. Charles Stewart Parnell proposed that, rather than resorting to violence, everyone in the locality should refuse to deal with him. Despite the short-term economic hardship to those undertaking this action, Boycott soon found himself isolated – his workers stopped work in the fields, stables as well as the house. Local businessmen stopped trading with him and the local postman refused to deliver post.
The concerted action taken against him meant that Boycott was unable to hire anyone to harvest the crops in his charge. Eventually 50 Orangemen volunteered to harvest his crops. They were escorted to and from Claremorris by one thousand policemen and soldiers – this despite the fact that Boycott’s complete social ostracism meant that he was actually in no danger of being harmed. Moreover, this protection ended up costing far more than the harvest was worth. After the harvest, the boycott was successfully continued. Within weeks Boycott's name was everywhere. It was used by The Times in November 1880 as a term of organized isolation.
On 1st December 1880 Captain Boycott left his post and withdrew to England, with his family.
Bridges
Published by Rick on Tuesday, December 02, 2008.
Since the Dee Bridge Disaster in 1847, new bridge designs have collapsed every 30 years or so as designers push them to, and beyond, their limits. Presently, a new design of bridge, the cable stayed bridge (such as the Queen Elizabeth II Bridge at Dartford in Kent) is being pushed to its limits. It is over-time for another disaster…
1847 Dee Bridge – cast iron girder bridge.
Then 32 years pass:
1879 Tay Bridge – continuous girder bridge (see illustration above).
Then 28 years pass:
1907 Quebec Bridge – cantilever bridge.
Then 33 years pass:
1940 Tacoma Narrows Bridge – suspension bridge.
Then 30 years pass:
1970 Milford Haven Bridge (now called the Cleddau Bridge), spanning the River Cleddau in Wales, and Westgate Bridge in Melbourne, Australia – both box girder bridges.
It has now been 38 years and counting…
Antidisestablishmentarianism
Published by Rick on Tuesday, December 02, 2008.
Antidisestablishmentarianism originated in the context of the nineteenth century Church of England, where antidisestablishmentarians were opposed to proposals to remove the Church of England’s status as the officially recognised and endorsed Christian church in England.
Being the officially recognised and endorsed Christian church means the Church of England is the established church.
To disestablish the Church of England is to remove the official recognition and endorsement.
Disestablishment is the process of removing the official recognition and endorsement from the Church of England.
Disestablishmentarians are the people who wish to disestablish the Church of England.
Antidisestablishmentarians are the people opposed to the disestablishment of the Church of England.
Antidisestablishmentarianism is the belief of the people opposed to the disestablishment of the Church of England.
Antidisestablishmentarianism is the normally accepted longest, non-scientific word in the English language. However, critics challenge its validity as a real word on the basis that it has two prefixes (anti- and dis-) and three suffixes (-ment, -arian and -ism), stating that not only is it possible to create a number of longer meaningful words by adding ever more prefixes, or changing the existing ones (e.g. changing -ism into the equally valid and longer suffix -istic), but that antidisestablishmentarianism is not a stand-alone word because of them. For example, theoretically counterantidisestablishmentarianism is a valid word, where it refers specifically to antidisestablishmentarians’ opponents, rather than merely disestablishmentarians in general.
Being the officially recognised and endorsed Christian church means the Church of England is the established church.
To disestablish the Church of England is to remove the official recognition and endorsement.
Disestablishment is the process of removing the official recognition and endorsement from the Church of England.
Disestablishmentarians are the people who wish to disestablish the Church of England.
Antidisestablishmentarians are the people opposed to the disestablishment of the Church of England.
Antidisestablishmentarianism is the belief of the people opposed to the disestablishment of the Church of England.
Antidisestablishmentarianism is the normally accepted longest, non-scientific word in the English language. However, critics challenge its validity as a real word on the basis that it has two prefixes (anti- and dis-) and three suffixes (-ment, -arian and -ism), stating that not only is it possible to create a number of longer meaningful words by adding ever more prefixes, or changing the existing ones (e.g. changing -ism into the equally valid and longer suffix -istic), but that antidisestablishmentarianism is not a stand-alone word because of them. For example, theoretically counterantidisestablishmentarianism is a valid word, where it refers specifically to antidisestablishmentarians’ opponents, rather than merely disestablishmentarians in general.
Saul Steinberg
Published by Rick on Tuesday, December 02, 2008.
There is a must-see exhibition of the cartoonist and master doodler, Saul Steinberg, at the Dulwich Picture Gallary until 15th February. We all know his 1976 cover for The New Yorker showing the world from 9th Avenue. It is as clever as the London Underground map - neither describes the proportion or relative positions of their subject literally, yet both can be understood immediately. Put it in your diary.
Saul Steinberg.Rarely Seen Street Sign (Around Here, At Least)
Published by Rick on Monday, December 01, 2008.
Caveat Emptor
Published by Rick on Monday, December 01, 2008.
Caveat Emptor = Let the buyer beware. Take a close look at the NOTE at the bottom of the labelling. Hmm. Still, I suppose they are being honest!
If We Don't Learn The Lessons Of History....
Published by Rick on Monday, December 01, 2008.
The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance.
Marcus Tullius Cicero
106 BC – 43 BC. Roman statesman, lawyer, political theorist, philosopher and constitutionalist.
Marcus Tullius Cicero
106 BC – 43 BC. Roman statesman, lawyer, political theorist, philosopher and constitutionalist.
Insight Into Gentlemen's Financial Planning
Published by Rick on Monday, December 01, 2008.
