The Edmondson Blog

Hepburn vs. John Bult

Uncle Buck vs. knacker in The Christian Crusaders

Everyone has seen the email containing the worlds worst album covers, but I don't think anyone has realised their friends look like some of the featured artists. How about this?

Smith vs. Smallest guy in The Orleans

A Syrian-born airline pilot allegedly tricked a schoolteacher from Haverfordwest into having sex with him by pretending he had to administer ointment on the end of his penis, a jury heard yesterday.

In November, 2000, she discovered a rash of white spots and feared that typhoid, which she contracted on holiday some years before, had returned.

"He (Sbano) suggested he would apply the cream to his penis and apply it inside her."

The teacher put up with the treatment for nine months before telling her doctor.

I just hope she's not a human biology teacher.

Great lyrics

I've decided to update the look of my blog to something more sexy. This is definitely work in progress, so if there's anything you really like (or hate) then let me know!

The picture at the top is of Lido beach, where I'll be in three days time!

Most of you will know I'm off on a well deserved holiday to Florida next week. I'm a little miffed that I've just found flights for £189 (admittedly on XL Airways) to Orlando for the exact same dates, i.e. leaving this weekend! That got me thinking, how do you know you're getting the best deal when you book your flight.

I've just stumbled across this interesting article, which is worth a read. I also find these websites useful, some of which are in beta and hoping to start beating the airlines at their own game. Some are US-centric, unfortunately.

Travel Jungle
Skyscanner
Travel Supermarket
Dohop
Farecast
Kayak
Tripstalker
Yapta

I will be channging the best game show ever poll soon, so get your vote in now, if you haven't done so already!

1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
20. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.
26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321.
28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.
41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.
42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka.
46. There are more chickens than people in the world.
47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.
48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "s ub c ont in ent al".
50. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

Hat tip: Claudia

I'm 11,111 days old today! Please send presents to the usual address. Royal Mail has improved recently, so no excuses.

...for yesterday!

Should we have a bank holiday? NO! Not until it is celebrated properly.

It makes me angry when I hear about how much it costs to get to London's airports. The Heathrow Express in particular takes the piss. But I've just found out Heathrow Connect costs even more!

The 25-minute Heathrow Connect from Hayes to Heathrow costs £6 one-way for the three-mile journey, or £2 per mile. This is double the price of the Heathrow Express, which charges £14 for the standard one-way fare for the 15-mile, 15-minute trip, until now renowned as one of the world's costliest train trips.

The £6 fare means the brief journey from Hayes to Heathrow works out more expensive per mile than many of the world's greatest rail journeys:

In Australia, the Ghan railway covers the 1,862 miles from Adelaide to Darwin and costs 9p per mile, so for £6 you could cover a 66-mile stretch.

On the Canadian Rocky Mountaineer, from Vancouver to Calgary, £6 takes you 13.5 miles.

South Africa's Blue Train, at £780 for the 994-mile overnight trip from Cape Town to Pretoria, £6 will take you over 7.5 miles.

A flight on the now defunct Concorde used to cost just 79p per mile.

Now that the summer is upon us and the BBQs are making appearances, I urge you to control your carnivorous instincts, or suffer the embarrassment of meat sweats:

Meat sweats are generally categorized on a scale of varying degrees starting at third-degree, being a mild meat sweat, to a first-degree meat sweat being very severe in nature. Generally, pork and chicken dishes will result in third-degree meat sweats, depending on the gross amount consumed, and beef will result in a first-degree meat sweat. A first-degree meat sweat can result in a temporary debilitating condition causing one to feel symptoms of lethargy, depression and severe apathy.

I attended a fascinating talk over lunch today by Dame Pauline Neville-Jones at the Policy Exchange on the terrorist threat, both home and abroad. She made it clear that we are losing the war on terror (for want of a better phrase) both on the ground and in the media. She said the West must collaborate more with non-white non-western democracies (like India), engage more with Muslims at home (not via so-called "community leaders") and develop a plan to counter the very effective propaganda groups such as Al Qaeda put out via television.

Interesting stuff.

I went to see Sunshine at the cinema last night. It is a superb film (at least the first two thirds is). The basic plot involves a team of scientists heading to the sun to set off a nuclear bomb to re-energise the fading star. Naturally, it doesn't all go to plan. The special effects and soundtrack are the most impressive I've ever seen / heard. Definitely worth the multiplex experience. It's such a shame that the end part is complete rubbish.

Uncle Buck                           George Cazenove

EDIT: I have been asked to remove the surname in case present or future clients visit this website.

1 x pair shoes stained with vomit
1 x split scalp
1 x broken finger
2 x rolls cling film used
2 x butt funnels

Photos censored. Apologies.

Unbelievably, Simon and Olivia have completed the St. Bees to Robin Hood's Bay Coast to Coast walk, being the first family with a 6 month old baby, dog and mother-in-law in tow to do it!

Do the right thing and sponsor their achievement. Click here.

I'll be out of contact for the weekend whilst I ruin Hills in *** on his stag weekend. He doesn't know where we're off to yet, so I have to censor the destination. All I am taking is my toothbrush and two rolls of cling-film to tie him naked to a lamp post, after which a midget prostitute will get to work.

"Suitable" photographs will be posted after the weekend!

Once again, democracy is thrown out the window and I have added a new poll with MY selection of UK game shows. Please your bets now please!

There was a record 69 votes on my last poll asking you all to name you favourite British sitcom. The results were:

1. Yes, Minister 26%
2. I'm Alan Partridge 19%
3=. The Vicar of Dibley 10%
3=. The Office 10%
5. Blackadder 9%
6=. Absolutely Fabulous 7%
6=. Only Fools and Horses 7%
8=. Fawlty Towers 4%
8=. Phoenix Nights 4%
10=. 'Allo 'Allo 1%
10=. Men Behaving Badly 1%
12=. Bottom 0%
12=. Father Ted 0%
12=. Mr. Bean 0%
12=. Peep Show 0%
12=. The Young Ones 0%
12=. The Royle Family 0%

An interesting winner: the older generation have had a hand in this poll, me feels.

A dubious selection.

I'm not liking most closely resembling "Joey Fat One".

Notes from an inexperienced Chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, wht the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Frank: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge One: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili. Great Kick.

Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting drain cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now - get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting stupid from all the beer.

CHILI #4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; coyote-ugly gal is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To heck with those rednecks!

CHILI #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I messed in my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

CHILI #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like turds to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8: Lester's Last of the Red-Hot Lover's Chili

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
I wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

Hat tip: Roly

I watched Jackass Number 2 on the plane to New York back in January. It is probably the funniest film I've ever watched. This is one of my favourite scenes. I've just ordered it on DVD.

The only badge I ever earned at Cubs.

I hope the Easter Bunny has brought you lots of presents... Or maybe he was too busy enjoying himself.

Believe it or not, I used to be a bit of an athlete and once held the under 11 school record for the shot putt at 5m 18cm (actually, I sneeze further than that, now I think about it).

I just found the receipt from the only time I have taken on a chicken phall in a curry house. I genuinely had sensory shutdown and I was in bed doubled-up by 8pm that evening. Never again.

The seeds have arrived. They have been planted. Get ready for the full chilli onslaught. This is the first day of an adventure to blow Charlie and Howard out the water with my home-grown bum-burners:

Fatalii (Devil's Tongue)

Chilli Heat Level 10++++
Last seasons No. 1 best seller Fatalii, the deadly hot pepper from the central African Republic.

Fatalii is a Habañero relative, but the fruit matures to bright yellow and is long, wrinkled and tapers to a point - about 2 to 3 inches long. The plants produce lots of peppers - they start producing early and finish late. Fatalii's have a fruity, almost citrus-like flavour and they make a very attractive-coloured hot sauce.

On Friday, I returned to town to take in the Hogarth exhibition at Tate Britain. Art museums don't usually grab me by the cojones, but this was absolutely fantastic. There is so much to see in each of Hogarth's pieces, each one being genius social satire, the exhibition kept me entertained for over three hours. I highly recommend it.

There was only one place to eat on the way home.

A house near Seattle in the US was emptied of its contents after a hoax advertisement invited people to take whatever they wanted for free.
Landlady Laurie Raye's rental home was stripped of appliances, windows, light fixtures and even the kitchen sink.
The adverstisement stayed on the Craigslist website for two hours before being pulled.

Great gag!

Picked up my Nintendo Wii this morning! The controller is a revolution! It's so accurate, it takes even the most simple games to the next level. Add me to your address book, if you've also got one: 1370 6617 8511 6413

From the MOD website:

UK troops working with Multi-National Forces in southern Iraq have been helping with a project that has seen 200 wheelchairs donated to needy families in Basra.

The wheelchairs were donated to Sheik Monsoor AL-Tmimi and the Mercy Foundation, a charity based in Basra which helps Iraqis injured by acts of violence in the city such as mortar attacks.

The success of the project is a result of strong support from all the organisations involved.

Nowhere does it mention the wheelchairs are homemade. The Iraqis probably think this is bleeding edge design in the West. No wonder they want us out.

Hat tip: George

Spent last night in the centre of London's tourist district at All Bar One in Leicester Sq with Sister Annie and a smorgasbord of friends and family. Amongst the characters making an appearance were Orlando and Jilly, old family friends, along with the parents, Sister Annie, Jeff, Natasha, Talya, Botty, Jools, Claudia, Colin and Cazenove! A select few rounded off the night with the creme of sum yung gai at China China.

I've obviously hit a nerve this month considering the unbelievable number of votes on my poll. I'll be changing the subject soon - does anyone have any ideas? Please leave a comment.

On Sunday night (25th), I took the overnight train down to the Alps for a week with the Sandford-Smith's in Plan-Peisey to ski Les Arcs. The initial worry of zero snow in town gave way to unbridled joy as I managed to track down some of the deep stuff to make my own up top. Click here for some action shots on the slopes.

Again, photo to follow.

I'll post some choice photos here soon, but for a taster, check out this link to see some of the shenanigans in Kenmore last weekend for Rehan's stag weekend. Be warned - the last few are not for small children.

Thank you to everyone who has emailed or called asking where the hell I've been. The truth is that I was in Scotland the weekend before last then headed straight down to the Alps for a week's skiing. Unfortunately I had no time to blog that I was off. Can my loyal readers ever forgive me?

I'm hoping to resume service as soon as possible, and will be letting you all know about my adventures soon.