The Edmondson Blog

Made a pilgrimage up to Watford to see Van, Martine and the kids. The youngsters are growing up fast and Harry has a good head of blond hair (is Van the father?). I completely forgot to take a snap of the rascals so here are Van, Charlie and I after a pizza and a couple of bottles of rough Chianti.

Rehan and Sarah got the formal legal marriage business out of the way on Saturday before the fun organised for the end of June. More importantly, I'm off to Scotland on Thursday for Rehan's stag weekend. It should be fun, except for the whiskey tour organised for Saturday...

Thank you to the anonymous tipster who's just realised the value of my website has more than quadrupled in value to $9. NASDAQ, here I come...

Was down at my Uncle Malcolm's for Sunday lunch and a celebration of Mothers Day yesterday. He pulled out a fantastic rack of lamb accompanied by venison sausages. That set me up for the main event for the afternoon: the papers and a snooze.

This must be a piss take, but it could so easily be the real deal. When I was up at Durham, you always heard rumours of plumbers being called out to deal with similar problems!!

Hodson's birthday Saturday night. Dress code was Bond. Rather than stick with the drab tuxedo option, I went as Jaws, along with my sidekick Solitaire. Don't I look like the spitting image of Richard Kiel? In true Hodson style, it was puns-galore in the invitation, with the evening including:
-Martini (shaken but not stirred of course) drinks reception
-A free Poker Table to play on all night for all you budding Daniel Craig and Craigettes out there
-Gold-finger food (mini burgers, potato wedges etc)
-"A View To A Trill" karaoke competition
-Bond style shadow dancing competition
-The Man with the Golden Pun joke board
-A Double O Heaven-ly tasting Bond themed Birthday cake
-All night "LIVE and Let Dance" DJ playing all the Bond and maybe even some non Bond related tracks that you might want
-and, of course, prizes for the best Bond outfits

1.Nobody ever eats more than one mouthful from a plate of food
2.Every platoon has at least one person who can play the mouth organ
3.All young boys can reach their bedroom by climbing a convenient tree
4.Restaurants offer at least six different kinds of toast for breakfast
5.Nobody ever locks their car
6.The bedroom curtains are always left open at night
7.If there's a storm, the bedroom window is left open as well
8.Everybody goes to school until the age of 30
9.When people fall in love they go shopping in the local street market
10.Paper boys never need to get off their bicycles

Here's T "Ian Smith" Bone relaxing with a cigarello after lunch on Saturday. What a dweeb. Clint Eastwood he is not.

Pretty pathetic. But just in case someone asks me where they can buy one, can anyone enlighten me?

Hat tip: Claire

This is a particularly offensive list. Do not click here if you do not like rude words or you do not know what pornography is.

My thanks to McDonald's who have set up this website to answer any questions.

Search for "milkshake" and look at some of the queries they've answered.

Hat tip: Bella

From the website:

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

I have just bought myself some psyllium husk to help my intestinal tract deal with its daily dose of junk food. I will be keeping a record of how the kids look when being dropped off at the pool and will report back on progress.

ps. Does anyone want to be my Groom?

Make sure you watch Are We There Yet? on BBC2 at 7:30 this evening. Tonight, the focus is on London.

From BBC News:

Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked apart from bondage gear.

Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth.

Moral of the story: keep the ball in and your mouth shut.

Hat tip: George

I want one!

Try out this website which will give you your rapping alias. Please call me MC Pain from now on. There's a prize for the most amusing name generated. Leave a comment.

Hat tip: Roly

I've been alerted to this FREE SMS service which allows you to send messages to most mobiles around the world. I've tried it and it works! I also know the guy behind it, so can guarantee it's legit.

Being confident in my masculinity, I attended a Thai massage workshop this afternoon in Balham. Once I'd groaned at a number of people showing off their squatting techniques and multicoloured bangles bought from the beaches of Thailand, the course taught me the some interesting techniques to use on the feet and legs. Lots to practice on the cards... if you want to be my guinea pig, leave a comment and tell my why it should be you!

Friday night, I was in the company of Sir John and Lady Dunt. Sir John was telling me all about his current project: chairman of the Trustees for the Armed Forces Memorial being built at the National Memorial Arboretum. It, of course, deserved a Wikipedia entry!

Well done to Rik Waller George Cazenove for getting a letter published in The Times today.

With 'Allo 'Allo! coming back to our screens, I thought it would be appropriate to hold a poll of everyone's favourite sitcom of all time. I've only included a list of my personal favourites (remember this is not a democracy). Click now!

1=. The Simpsons 28%
1=. Popeye 28&
3. Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner 14%
4. Tom and Jerry 7%
5=. Family Guy 5%
5=. He-Man and the Masters of the Universe 5%
7=. The Flintstones 4%
7=. Danger Mouse 4%
9=. Inspector Gadget 2%
9=. The Pink Panther 2%
9=. Wacky Races 2%
12=. Bugs Bunny 0%
12=. Transformers 0%
12=. Hong Kong Phooey 0%

An interesting tie for first place - I was not expecting Popeye to show so strongly. Well done to him.

Many thanks to everyone for voting - an incredible 57 votes this month!

...and still going strong!

I'm very lucky to have some big brains around me. Management gurus always say surround yourself with people more clever than yourself, and I've certainly done that at TfL!

Keith (middle right) has just left to become a DJ in Brighton.

From Alastair Humphreys' Spring Update:

My first book, 'Moods of Future Joys', is going well. Sincere thanks to everyone who has bought it, and for all the feedback. I really appreciate it. Geographical magazine reviewed the book this month, writing, "this book is a literary match to his physical achievement." Comments like that are a huge boost after a year of being rejected by publishers and having to self-publish the book. The book is still ranked at Number 55 in the Amazon Bestselling Travel Books which is good news for a book that has had no professional marketing.

The only way I can generate sales is by spreading the word so I would love it if you could forward this to any friends you think may be interested. You can also now buy the book at Stanfords in Covent Garden. After 4 months of pestering I am now also on the Waterstone's register in the UK. The book is not in any of their shops yet but you can at least order the book there.

Buy it!

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says 'I vish to buy sex vit you.'

'OK' says the girl, 'I'll charge 100 dollars an hour.'

'Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant you to tie ze springs to your Hans and knees..'

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get down on your hans and knees.'

She duly does this, balancing on the springs. 'You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you.'

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps 'That was totally amazing....... What do you call it?'

'Ah', says the German, 'Four-sprung duck technique'.

I'm now playing with the big boys.

Why did I never ask to see my local councillor whilst at school?

I will be taking down my poll of favourite cartoons tonight. If you haven't done so already, vote!

Congrats to Mr and Mrs Robinson who now have a new addition to their family - baby Alexander James, born at 9pm on 23rd February weighing 8lb 10oz.

It took the common squirrel roughly 10 billion years to grow wings and evolve into their tree-gliding cousins, yet the genius behind this clip has achieved the same level of rodent aviation in just ten minutes, using only a common colander and a lingerie factory's-worth of elastic.

Hat tip: Charlie

Check out this site that Warby has set up out in the British Virgin Islands. It'll make you weep with envy (especially if you notice the temperature reading in the top left corner).

Take this survey to see where you sit on the political spectrum. I sit here. A centrist free-marketeer - just as I thought!

Feel free to leave your name and where you sit in the comments, along with your thoughts.

My internationally renowned author-buddy Rick has just had a piece published in CNN Traveller. Read it here.

From Galway First:

A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised “to get out and meet people,” the local court heard last week.
Thomas Aloysius McCarney with an address in south Galway was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.
Solicitor for the accused Ms Sharon Fitzhenry said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely.
“Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey,” she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like “Isn’t that right, Donkey?”
Supt John McBrearty told the court that Mr McCarney who had signed in as “ Mr Shrek” had told hotel staff that the donkey was a family pet and that this was believed by the hotel receptionist who the supt said was “young and hadn’t great English.”
Receptionist Irina Legova said that Mr McCarney had told her that the donkey was a breed of “super rabbit” which he was bringing to a pet fair in the city. The court was told that the donkey went berserk in the middle of the night and ran amok in the hotel corridor, forcing hotel staff to call the gardai.
McCarney was found in the room wearing a latex suit and handcuffs, the key to which the donkey is believed to have swallowed. He was removed to Mill St station after which it is said he was the subject of much mirth among the lads next door in The Galway Arms.
He was fined €2,000 for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837. Other charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

There's an Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act in Ireland??

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later however, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the Captain replied. "This is the Woolwich Ferry."

Hat tip: George

Just got back from four amazing days in Poland. The trip was fantastic fun, tinged with moments of seriousness as we were guided around Auschwitz. I'll be commenting on some of the photos I took soon, but for now check some choice ones out here.