The Edmondson Blog

I've been reading Stoned, Naked and Looking in my Neighbour's Window for the last couple of days. It's a book full of the best anonymous confessions that people have left on some website. It's absolutely hilarious. Some of my favourites are:

I was baking cookies in the oven, nude. When I bent over to pick up the tray my testicles fell onto the cookie sheet. I can no longer achieve orgasm unless I feel extreme heat but I told everyone it was because of cancer. I feel so bad.

I once watched my mum get dressed by putting strategically placed mirrors throughout the corridor all the way to my bedroom.

I made some marijuana brownies one day, and when I left them to cool my mother came home from work and ate almost half of them. She had never been stoned before, and when she got the massive hit she curled up in a ball on the ground in her room, screaming that she was dying, She made me write her a new will, in which the goldfish would inherit the house. I never told her that it was brownies that made her so sick, and she's still convinced it was a bad oyster she had for lunch.

I need to get this out. Years ago I took LSD with a good friend. I ended up thinking he was a space alien and beating him up with a baseball bat, which I thought was like a Star Wars light sabre. He ended up in ER and took another three weeks in hospital to recover. It freaked me out and I never had the courage to tell him it was me.

Last month my car broke down at the store. I didn't feel like walking so I stole one of those handicapped motorised shopping carts and rode it home. Then I sold it on eBay.