The Edmondson Blog

Forty things you would love to say at work.

• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Fuck off, fatso.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• Ahhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid!
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I, flypaper for freaks!?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be?
• Do I look like a people person?
• This isn't an office; it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started with nothing and still have most of it left.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door no.1?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• I thought I wanted a career - turns out I just wanted payslips.
• Sure, you came up with that idea.
• I'd love to help you, but its 5:00 PM.