Jokes
Published by Rick on Monday, October 26, 2009.
A man went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The man was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it and then went to the chemist's to buy some sea-sick pills and three condoms in preparation.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The man said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same chemist to buy some more sea-sick pills and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The man was elated and, and went back to the chemist's. He asked for some more sea-sick pills and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but, if it keeps making you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
- - - - - - - -
A lorry driver who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bag of chips!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The lorry driver replies, "Listen Darlin', I’m not feeling romantic, I'm homesick."
- - - - - - - - -
A man walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the cut-throat razor while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The man said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.”
The man said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
- - - - - - - - -
What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
The wrong answer.
- - - - - - - - - -
A man walks into a bar, sits down and says to the landlord, “Quick pour me twelve double whiskies.”
So the landlord pours him twelve double scotches and the man starts gulping them down really fast, one after another. The landlord says to the man, “Wow, you are drinking those drinks really fast.”
The man says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I''ve got.”
The landlord says, “What've you got?”
The man says, “75 pence.”
- - - - - - - -
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a haemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.”
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The man was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it and then went to the chemist's to buy some sea-sick pills and three condoms in preparation.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The man said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same chemist to buy some more sea-sick pills and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The man was elated and, and went back to the chemist's. He asked for some more sea-sick pills and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but, if it keeps making you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
- - - - - - - -
A lorry driver who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bag of chips!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The lorry driver replies, "Listen Darlin', I’m not feeling romantic, I'm homesick."
- - - - - - - - -
A man walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the cut-throat razor while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The man said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.”
The man said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
- - - - - - - - -
What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
The wrong answer.
- - - - - - - - - -
A man walks into a bar, sits down and says to the landlord, “Quick pour me twelve double whiskies.”
So the landlord pours him twelve double scotches and the man starts gulping them down really fast, one after another. The landlord says to the man, “Wow, you are drinking those drinks really fast.”
The man says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I''ve got.”
The landlord says, “What've you got?”
The man says, “75 pence.”
- - - - - - - -
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a haemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.”
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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