Logical Development Of Product Warning Labels
Published by Rick on Saturday, February 27, 2010.
Here are some new proposals that mandate the conspicuous placement of suitable warnings on the packaging of all products offered for sale in the European Union to reflect current scientific thinking:
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: This product will attract every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to their masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
CAUTION: This product contains the energy equivalent of 3 million tons of TNT per gram net weight.
HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of a thousand million kilometres per hour.
HEISENBURG DISCLAIMER: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle", it will be impossible for the consumer to know at any given time precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
QUANTUM TUNNELING DISCLAIMER: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any loss that may result.
BEST BEFORE DATE: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
THERMODYNAMIC WARNING: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the death of the universe.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "Gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
INGREDIENTS: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is 10-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to 3-dimensional objects, since the other dimensions are too small to be detectable.
PLEASE NOTE: Some theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCE ADVISORY: The subatomic particles comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
PRODUCT LIFETIME: The entire universe may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: This product will attract every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to their masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
CAUTION: This product contains the energy equivalent of 3 million tons of TNT per gram net weight.
HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of a thousand million kilometres per hour.
HEISENBURG DISCLAIMER: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle", it will be impossible for the consumer to know at any given time precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
QUANTUM TUNNELING DISCLAIMER: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any loss that may result.
BEST BEFORE DATE: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
THERMODYNAMIC WARNING: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the death of the universe.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "Gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
INGREDIENTS: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is 10-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to 3-dimensional objects, since the other dimensions are too small to be detectable.
PLEASE NOTE: Some theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCE ADVISORY: The subatomic particles comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
PRODUCT LIFETIME: The entire universe may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
Hat tip: Raymondo
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